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Old 04-19-2017, 10:53 AM   #21
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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Originally Posted by jen_batten View Post
The woman does sound quite controlling (and a bit crazy, but I'm in chirpy's group so not sure my opinion would be 'normal'). However, some things are better addressed as they happen.....

Crazy--I am taking the group's babysitter. I will find a new one for the group, and our day will need to be changed to accommodate this.

Me--Since this is something that effects the whole group, we need to discuss it together before any changes are made.

It isn't a direct insult to her or anything, non confrontational, but it does get the point across that she is not in charge and cannot decide whatever she wants on a whim. With responses like this she should get the point pretty quick that you will not be pushed around, and start treating you with more respect. Or she will leave. Either way works, really.



I didn't realize there were five families already, I agree that adding more is probably too much.



I also agree that that's way too much for a babysitter when everyone's parents are right there! But babysitting rates can vary widely. Here you can get all day care for like $12, which is unreasonably cheap.



You can (and should, IMO) talk to other mom about the babysitter situation, but at this point it might be wise to call a group meeting. You can ask everyone's opinions about how the group is going, what they would like to see moving forward, if the new day is a time that works for them, if there are any changes they would like to see made, etc. This way no one is directly blamed for anything, everything is out in the open, and EVERYONE in the group gets a chance to have a say in what happens. Take caution not to let crazy mom run the show if you go this route though.

This was lightly brought up last night. Since when she texted just the "ladies group text" about all the changes *she & her husband* decided on, all I responded with was that this needs to be discussed as a group. Let's just say DH & I were less than thrilled about not only that she felt it appropriate to make a decision for everyone, but also not message/email everyone. Just the women. Also when it came up yesterday, she again worded it as "husband & I" decided this. Our issue isn't the day of the week, it's how this has been handled and having to pay a sitter etc. this is when she brought up I should look on care.com "they have resumes & all sorts of info on there!" and she just keeps bringing up how kids are a distraction for her & she wants to be there 100% (yet she's whining about the series we chose to do after 1 session). It seems her way is how it'll work right now.
I did message the other mom a few hours ago asking her thoughts on the situation, but have yet to get a reply.
We do really need an informal gathering more for the purpose to get to know each other (& the guys have already gone fishing and to breakfast, women nothing), but everyone (particularly crazy one) is super focused on not wanting to skip a lesson week for a BBQ.
In the interest of being honest & open communication, husband did email crazy directly to address a different issue we have with her, curious how she will respond to that.
She also ran the show on another issue in attempt to coax her kids to stay with the sitter- "hey let's have the tv during the meeting to distract the kids!" Which made me irritated too. Why would I want to pay a sitter when the tv is running the whole time? I can put on a tv and my kids will watch for free. But my husband opted to let her win that one after some carefully worded replies in hopes that it'll make her feel heard and that he is open to working with her on things. Obviously I was right from the start and she is just trying to run the show from the sidelines, unfortunately.
It also bothers me to pay that much when D is with me 95% of the time anyway & Oliver could be easily entertained with a movie for free. I think husband & I feel bad for forcing that on the other family when it seems they are also trying to make wise financial decisions (at least from what he can tell), so he doesn't want to just go out and recommend they get their own sitter too.
Just so frustrating when from the start, we made a point of making it known it's important for us for the group to be kid friendly so we wouldn't have to leave them at home.
We also wonder if maybe she will just get fed up and leave. But I think she won't because they already tried a different group & quit after like 2 meetings because they weren't comfortable & she seems very emotionally invested in making friendships (with the other ladies). She and one of the childless women are into wanting to plan a "girls night out" to which I shot down because they were suggesting going out to some fancy restaurant sans children & husbands "so we could get to know each other". What's wrong with going to someone's house or a coffee shop or something??


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Old 04-19-2017, 10:58 AM   #22
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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That's not the goal!! The goal is for everyone to be happy and growing in the group. We can get along even though we are different. *If* she decides she can't, then that's on her and she has the option to go. Sort of like the unyoked marriage. Ideally though they would learn to work together and worship together despite the differences.


I was totally kidding!!! I know the goal is for everyone to work this out so that God would be glorified. But sometimes Evil MamaChirpy jumps out of her box!
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Old 04-19-2017, 11:00 AM   #23
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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That's not the goal!! The goal is for everyone to be happy and growing in the group. We can get along even though we are different. *If* she decides she can't, then that's on her and she has the option to go. Sort of like the unyoked marriage. Ideally though they would learn to work together and worship together despite the differences.


Yep. That's why we're trying to work it out. And I'm using everything I learn about these people as part of their personality profile in my mind, not to hold it against them. I know I've had a negative impression of people before, but not blocked them out & ended up really liking and respecting them. We really are hoping she opens herself to being outside her comfort zone, but if she can't do that, that's on her.


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Old 04-19-2017, 11:33 AM   #24
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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I was totally kidding!!! I know the goal is for everyone to work this out so that God would be glorified. But sometimes Evil MamaChirpy jumps out of her box!
I thought so but figured it would be best to clarify for others reading along.
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Old 04-19-2017, 11:37 AM   #25
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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I thought so but figured it would be best to clarify for others reading along.


Good idea. I forget there are others reading.
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Old 04-19-2017, 12:12 PM   #26
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Re: Babysitter during small group

I was just thinking about this again & figured I'd add that the initial babysitter, she had never even met before the first time she watched all our kids together. She is a cousin of her old babysitter that moved away. And she made a point of emphasizing just how "really hard" she & the other girl worked to find the group a new sitter.


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Old 04-19-2017, 12:25 PM   #27
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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I was just thinking about this again & figured I'd add that the initial babysitter, she had never even met before the first time she watched all our kids together. She is a cousin of her old babysitter that moved away. And she made a point of emphasizing just how "really hard" she & the other girl worked to find the group a new sitter.


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Irrelevant point. No one made her the babysitter finder. I wouldn't even acknowledge it unless she says it again.
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Old 04-19-2017, 12:45 PM   #28
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Re: Babysitter during small group

I'm having trouble pegging her down. Outside of controlling, that is.

Maybe she's realized that a group that brings kids is not the right fit for her, and that's why there is so much focus/defensiveness about the sitters?

Maybe she is finding a particular child very distracting and this is her (wrong) way of expressing that?

Maybe she is trying too hard to seek attention from/gain favor of the other members and is coming off poorly?

I don't know, I can't figure it out!! Whatever the case, how she is behaving obviously isn't ideal. You could try approaching her, if you feel comfortable and might gain some insight. Like if she brought up how she needs to be 100% present (or something similar) you could try something like "You know, I remember you mentioning something like that before. Is there some specific distraction or issue you are struggling with?" My guess is she isn't a bad person and doesn't have bad intentions--but she isn't communicating well either and if it doesn't get worked out it could get ugly before it's all said and done. Nobody wants that!

On a side note, I find it very amusing that she makes a comment about how hard she worked to find sitter 2 after she stole sitter 1!
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Old 04-19-2017, 12:56 PM   #29
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Re: Babysitter during small group

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Originally Posted by jen_batten View Post
I'm having trouble pegging her down. Outside of controlling, that is.

Maybe she's realized that a group that brings kids is not the right fit for her, and that's why there is so much focus/defensiveness about the sitters?

Maybe she is finding a particular child very distracting and this is her (wrong) way of expressing that?

Maybe she is trying too hard to seek attention from/gain favor of the other members and is coming off poorly?

I don't know, I can't figure it out!! Whatever the case, how she is behaving obviously isn't ideal. You could try approaching her, if you feel comfortable and might gain some insight. Like if she brought up how she needs to be 100% present (or something similar) you could try something like "You know, I remember you mentioning something like that before. Is there some specific distraction or issue you are struggling with?" My guess is she isn't a bad person and doesn't have bad intentions--but she isn't communicating well either and if it doesn't get worked out it could get ugly before it's all said and done. Nobody wants that!

On a side note, I find it very amusing that she makes a comment about how hard she worked to find sitter 2 after she stole sitter 1!


I'm like you, I can't figure her motivation.

Maybe she is having a really hard time with an issue in her life and thinks that "no distractions" at small group will help her work through it.

Maybe she is afraid her parenting will be Called into question if her child is present and the group sees her interact with the child.

Maybe she DOES find a particular child really annoying.

I just can't figure why it would matter what the rest of the group does about their children or what sitter they use when her own child is going to be at home with a sitter.
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Old 04-19-2017, 02:53 PM   #30
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Re: Babysitter during small group

Our last small group had an issue with our kids being there even if they were in another room quietly watching a movie.

Let me correct that. They all loved my kids and wanted a chance to see them with the exception of one couple who were both working parents and couldn't understand why we wouldn't just hire a sitter.

It was a world view difference that we never came to agreement on.

Some people do see kids even their own as a constant annoyance.

The reality is that group dynamics are/can be difficult. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It can be difficult though since my gut reactions are usually spot on.

So basically, I am of no help.
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