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Old 01-07-2012, 10:15 AM   #31
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

It sounds like your husband may not want confrontation, either & that's why he just doesn't say anything. (& didn't tell you about C coming to stay). What if you write him a letter?
It sounds weird, but then you can get it all out, he has to read it without interrupting, and maybe he can see where you're coming from a lot easier. Maybe you can write out a solution, involve C in the decision & sign it together.

I understand the stress of C/S, I'm sorry you're going through this, it does sound difficult

Good luck!


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Old 01-08-2012, 07:44 AM   #32
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

I hope things are going better now.
I wanted to say the past is the past. I do think thing could have been done differently and I do think Step children should be treated equally to bio children. So yes I think should have kept going and getting the kids, but that is in the past.
As for now. My theory on this is, don't make him pay household expenses. You want him out ASAP right? If you make him pay money to do you then that only slows the process. I would try/offer to set up a budget with him and see if he can really afford being on his own. We all know even if all utilities are included there are other expenses. Household supplies, food, etc. Maybe he doesn't realize he can make it, or maybe he can't and you could help him get to a place where he could.
If he were my son or my step son I would help him out. To me what is one more? Yes it is an added expense but besides that it really isn't that much more. I would ask he do something to help out. Maybe mow the lawn, watch the kids so you can nap, etc. I would do my best to make him an active part of the household.
I don't want to be mean but I am sure he knows you don't want him there. Just by things you have said here I would feel that way if I were him. For all you know your DH could be telling him to ignore you. I would hope not but from what I have read it is possible.
I think most of your issues has to do with how this came about and I do not think C is at all responsible for that. If I wanted to move in with my Dad I would ask him. I would ask if he talked to Jackie(his wife) first but he if said yes I wouldn't confirm with her. I called and asked for money for a surgery down payment. It was the hardest calls to make. I called my dad and my mom. My dad said he had to talk to Jackie, which I totally understood. Had he thrown a number out there on his own I wouldn't have said talk to Jackie. My mom talked to her husband to but I didn't know she had except she said that she did.
I do hope things are looking up there! It has been 2 months since the last post by you and I hope you all are on the road to him being able to be out on his own.
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Old 01-15-2012, 01:55 PM   #33
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

(((Hugs))) I too am a step mom. My step son has been living with us since he was 10 and he's now 17. He too isn't sure of where he's going in life. We're really trying to steer him towards the military b/c the lack of jobs with a sustainable wage in our area. He also does NOT want college, so that can be hard.

Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by trying to help your step son. I don't think you're a b**** at all. At almost 24 years old he needs to pull it together and your trying to help him with that. Your dh really needs to step up and help you with this. Really and truly. I also know what it's like having a dh who is laid back and doesn't want to take the reins so to speak. It's HARD, especially when dealing with a step child!

Keep us updated. Hang in there!
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Old 01-15-2012, 02:20 PM   #34
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

i didnt read all the responses, but at 24 he should be self-sufficient(heck im 25 and have been on my own since before HS graduation). i tell my friend whose 3 boys(27, 25 and 23) still ive at home the same thing. he's old enough to work and old enough to pay bills. her boys DO work and still freeload. now im not saying he starts paying you rent, but he does need to be a helpful part of the household AND have a plan for moving out. not bc he's a step child but bc how else will he move on with his life and make something of himself? id just sit down with dh(first) and dss and say listen, in 6-9-12 months you need to be working, with money saved up and moving into your own place. and it doesnt make you a **tch or a wicked stepmother. id say the same to my children(most likely before that age lol)
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Old 02-24-2012, 06:23 AM   #35
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

I just found this thread, and I feel that some of the responses to the OP are pretty harsh. I am a stepparent to adult stepchildren, and in the past, there had been times where I butted heads over the grandchildren. The problem here is number one: dad feels guilty and is trying to make up for his lack of involvement (wether intentional or not, it still is a factor), number two: stepson knows that dad feels guilty and he is likely taking advantage, number three: hubby didn't tell you (OP) which is a huge red flag to me, and four: you are really being pushed over here. I see the OP trying to make the best out of a difficult situation. Number one, bio child or step child, a 24 year old needs to be contributing to the household. If it isn't possible financially, then at least step up and help with child care and housework. My brother freeloaded on my mom till about 23 or 24, it was absolutely ridiculous. Enabling a grown man to be irresponsible is not helpful. Tough love needs to be applied here. I do think that maybe he is unsure of what is expected of him. If OP and her hubby have never been clear with what they expect, then he's not likely to offer it, kwim? As far as finding a room, with seven other kids in the house, there probably just isn't the room. And if he got his own room, I doubt he'd be willing to try any harder to get out on his own, kwim? I get it that he's their child/stepchild, but come on folks, he's 24 with a kid of his own! Something needs to give here. OP I hope you all have come to some resolution. Sounds like you care but you are just at the end of your rope. Hugs to you.
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Old 03-11-2012, 02:48 PM   #36
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

Your not being a B. Here are a few suggestions.

Have him pay rent...period. It doesn't have to be much, but if he has free range in the kitchen and uses your hot water to bath and launder his cloths he needs to contribute to the house hold funds.

Have him pay for the gas he uses. When he takes one of your cars look at the mileage, and again when he gets back, calculate what gas he used and charge him for it. Or require that he always returns with an equal amount of gas as when he left...if it was full, fill it up, if it was half full return it to half a tank before coming back. etc.

If you want him gone tell him. Let him know you thought this was a temporary arrangement and you won't have the room for him to be there much longer and you would be happy to help him find a place he can afford, near his job or a bus stop.

Just so you know, my husband and I agree that our boys will be out of the house by the fall semester after they graduate high school. We will give them the summer to work and save for the fee's that apply when you get your own place, then they have to go. We are raising them to be self sufficient and know how to be productive members of society. Sometimes it is hard and takes tough love. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to live without us, as productive, and strong members of our society.
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Old 04-06-2012, 05:51 PM   #37
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

I was the "child" in a situation like this. My dad's GF expected me to pay 1/2 of all rent and utilities even though there was 4 of them and 1 of me. But if I wanted a place to live, that's how it was. I had a job, a car and I paid half of their rent and bills. I wasn't even home half the time because of work or hanging out with friends. When I was home, I was sleeping and I never used anything but a couple hours on my lightbulb and a shower usually every other day.
When I lived with my mother after turning 18, I was expected to pay $500 which was MORE then half of her rent. I only made $500 and she expected every last dime. Yet again, if I wanted a place to stay, it was getting paid.

I think your step-son has it easy peasy and needs to get his head out of his B U T T and either figure something out or start paying you rent.
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:03 PM   #38
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

How are things now?
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:17 PM   #39
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

Sorry had no idea how old this thread was!
Homeschooling mama to 6 year old twin girls and their sweet baby brother

Totally new to cloth, so any advice and info is much appreciated!

Last edited by Melaine; 04-11-2012 at 12:20 PM.
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