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Old 08-28-2013, 08:33 AM   #41
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

i went thru it. my husband cheated shortly after I had our child. he kept doing it, and I kept watching it by investigating. so when he told me he was NOT doing it, i knew he would continue to lie. I saved all evidence to this day and even read back on it when I have a weak moment.
my hubby would never answer me that he wanted to make it work. he just sorta freloaded off me and sat here. and I let him
mainly cause I didnt want a divorce... but after more than 5 girls and his family supporting him with money and enabling it... I was done. been divorced 4 1/2 yrs now.
best decision ever. staying with him was a constant hassle, me being anxious wondering when the next girl would happen and trying to have stability for my kiddo. it sucked. once he was gone, my life sorta just took a turn for the better, right away.
I got rid of the negative and positive came tumbling in


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Old 08-29-2013, 01:23 PM   #42
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

Adultery sucks, plain and simple. :-( My husband had a brief physical affair a few years ago when we were going through a rough time. While he bears the sole responsibility for making the poor decision to choose to cheat, we both are responsible for the conditions in our marriage that led to him being vulnerable. This is no way excuses cheating! But very rarely is one person the only one making mistakes in the marriage. We're all human and we mess up...and at one point or another, we fail at being the husband or wife we're supposed to be.

My husband had no emotional attachment to his affair partner, and he ended it immediately upon being confronted. He did continue to lie about details but finally came clean about everything. He is not always comfortable answering questions or discussing things even now, but he does it because he knows it's what I need, and it's necessary. He was 100% willing to go to counseling and has shown a changed heart and a changed attitude. But I have changed too. Someone mentioned showing respect, and I was very guilty of being disrespectful toward my husband in ways I didn't even realize. We have both made great strides to change the way we treat each other, and our marriage is in a much better place because of it. I wish that we had learned these things in a different way! The affair still hurts. I am still grieved by it. But I think that, especially for my husband, it took almost losing his wife and family, for him to realize how stupid he was being and how close he came to destroying everything he holds dear.

Don't give up on your husband yet. If he won't talk about anything with you, pray that he will have a change of heart. Ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he won't, invest in counseling for yourself. Maybe he will decide to join you at a later point. As long as he is committed to the marriage, has ended all contact with the affair partner, and is being faithful to you, that is still a step in a positive direction. He is not a lost cause. My husband had a lot of difficulty talking about everything at first, but it was mainly because he was disgusted with himself and was eaten up with guilt. No one wants to actually face the horror of doing something so terrible to their spouse. He will have to face it at some point. But give him time. As long as things stay moving in a positive direction, try to be patient. But definitely get counseling for your own self, even if he won't go. Whether your marriage ultimately survives or fails, you still need to heal. It may even come to the point where you need to separate for a while, especially if the infidelity continues. But it's not over until it's over. I remember in some of the early days thinking there was no way we would ever survive and that divorce was inevitable. But many people do get past this, and end up with marriages that are much better after healing from infidelity, than they were before it all happened.

My heart breaks for you because I KNOW how badly this hurts. But I hope your marriage survives and that your husband's heart is softened. But I hope that no matter what happens, you have a peace in that you did everything you could do from your end, and that even if your marriage ends in divorce, that you will be okay.

Some books that really helped me were Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver, Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Also, my husband and I have done the Love and Respect series by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs several times now and have learned more every time. It has really helped us pay attention to the way we treat each other and communicate more clearly and effectively.

Praying for you and your husband. :-)
Trish...wife to my truck driver and part-time farmer husband, mama to 6 boys ages 16, 13, 8, 6, 3, and 1 1/2...and our first princess due in January 2014!!!
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:03 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by makinhomesweet
I would try a different approach. Don't talk about your problems. Praise him for every little thing you can. Do things that are meaningful to him. Another words... Be his friend and his cheerleader. Show him how important he is to you and remember to tell him things you RESPECT about him (not just love... Men thrive on respect, and the affairs could have to do with feeling like you don't respect him.)

My husband had an emotional affair. Before he slept with the woman he told me that he felt like she cared more about him then i do, because she would give him her undivided attention and remembered the details of his story. He also told me that even though he loves how I take care of the kids, he hates that I will walk away when he is in the middle if of a sentence to take care of them.

He was ready for a divorce. I was devastated. I did all the things i suggested you do. I didn't nag him. I didn't ask him to talk. I didn't ask for help unless I was desperate. Ifplaying video games our watching tv, i left him alone. And every day I praised him for every little thing he did well. And i wrote him respect letters weekor more often. I also asked him to tell me ways I could show him more respect. He said pay better attention to him. So i did.

The first few times i praised him/told him I respected him, I could see it touched him, but he tried not to show it. Within a month, he had a.change of heart. Today, we are back to being best.friends. Wee have 4 kids, including a 2 week old. But, our marriage is a priority. We spend tine together everyday, even if we just watch tv. And he never did have the affair. Instead, he quit his job. (the woman was his supervisor.) I couldn't be happier... But it was hard on the beginning. Good luck Mama.
Wow, you are stronger than I am. I could not live with a man who "almost" had a physical affair, then pretty much blamed me because I don't make him feel that I "care" about him as much as the random hussy he was pursuing. And afterwards, I would not be telling him how much I respected him... Because that would be a total lie.
Living life with DP Jamesy
Mom to DD 13, DD 6, and DS 4.
by surprise, Due in June
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