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Old 03-09-2018, 08:40 PM   #1
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Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

My 5 YO daughter gets very upset if you tell her she is pretty/beautiful. She will shut down and not respond at all. This is a frequent problem because.... she is truly a beautiful child. People at church, the grocery store, family members (though family have pretty much calmed down on it) everywhere she goes people say "oh what a pretty girl" or they address the whole group "oh what beautiful children."

We have tried again and again to understand what about it she doesn't like. Finally I got it out of her tonight that she doesn't believe them when they say it. Maybe she thinks they are saying it to tease her?

My idiot father used to say "oh your hair looks nice, B." Or, "have you combed your hair today?" He is absolutely stupid and I can't do anything about him. I already have limited his contact with them as much as humanly possible.

Her hair used to be very wild and floated around her in ringlets. No matter what we did it was unruly. But it was and still is very pretty. It has calmed way down and he hasn't said anything in my hearing about her hair that I know of in quite some time.

My MIL grabbed me once and said that she was "drop-dead gorgeous." She said it in this weird intense way. But I really don't think B heard her. I don't know if the children were even in the house.

Those are the only things I can think of that may possibly have contributed to this. If it was just that she didn't respond it wouldn't be a problem. But she is very nervous lately about everything. A few minutes ago, she didn't want to come downstairs because she said she was afraid that Daddy would tell her she is beautiful. He doesn't say that, because he knows it bothers her. Her hair was up in a ponytail for her bath. She immediately took it down when she came down. She refuses to put anything at all in her hair, by the way.

What on earth do I do? I don't want my child to think she is ugly. No matter if she is or if she isn't, that's a horrible feeling to have.

Is this really about how she looks? Or does she just not want to be noticed, period?

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Old 03-09-2018, 09:52 PM   #2
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

I wonder if she just prefers to go unnoticed? is she outgoing or more quiet?
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Old 03-09-2018, 10:47 PM   #3
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

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I wonder if she just prefers to go unnoticed? is she outgoing or more quiet?


She is very outgoing with just us and my mom or my aunt or my grandmother. But around others she does stay quiet until she gets to know them. It's the intensity of the feelings that has me stumped.

I don't know if this is relevant, but she does suck her finger as a comfort measure. We are working on trying to get her to stop. She does great for a while but as soon as she is tired or nervous she does it.
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Old 03-10-2018, 01:30 AM   #4
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

My niece (almost 8yo) used to get offended if you told her she was beautiful. Probably around age 5? But it lasted at least a year if not longer. If you said something like "you're so beautiful" she would shake her head and say "No!" Or "Nuh Uh" cross her arms and go in the other room or wherever to get away from you for a moment. All that to ask, is it just a phase you think or has she always been bothered by it?
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Old 03-10-2018, 03:34 PM   #5
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

My 7 yo DD is very sensitive to what her brothers deem appropriate. 9yo DS is critical of anything he thinks is "gaudy" and once he says something DD used to always avoid wearing that thing because brother says it's gaudy. Maybe your DD has heard something like that from siblings or other children? But if your DD has heard this over and over again, she may just be sick of it, or maybe doesn't really know how to respond (even if you've taught her how she can respond she may not understand why she should respond like that).

PM'd you.
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Old 03-10-2018, 04:25 PM   #6
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

It's something relatively new. It's been going on for a couple months maybe.

I did ask her if she knew what beautiful meant. This DD has been known to mix up words before. She said she didn't but I think she was just frustrated by that time. I explained it was the same as "very pretty" but she had shut down by that time.

She might just be sick of it as Zeo said. I hope that's the case.
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Old 03-10-2018, 04:33 PM   #7
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

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Originally Posted by zeotwoski View Post
My 7 yo DD is very sensitive to what her brothers deem appropriate. 9yo DS is critical of anything he thinks is "gaudy" and once he says something DD used to always avoid wearing that thing because brother says it's gaudy. Maybe your DD has heard something like that from siblings or other children? But if your DD has heard this over and over again, she may just be sick of it, or maybe doesn't really know how to respond (even if you've taught her how she can respond she may not understand why she should respond like that).

PM'd you.


Something else I just thought of is that lately she really wants to be like her big sister, AB. AB has always been a little envious of B's hair. Not in a bad way, just wishes hers looked like B.
B even wears AB's clothes lately.
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:36 PM   #8
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

This is off-topic, but you reminded me of something. A lady from our church has really beautiful kids, and when they went out and about they would get comments. Their grandma would always whisper to them in the way to the car, "...but you're a LITTLE bit ugly" because she didn't want them getting big heads! Cracked me up.

Anyway, I think I would just make sure that she understands that it doesn't matter what people think about how she looks - it's what's on the inside that counts. People can say she's beautiful; people can say she's ugly; all that really matters is her heart.
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Old 03-11-2018, 06:28 PM   #9
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

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This is off-topic, but you reminded me of something. A lady from our church has really beautiful kids, and when they went out and about they would get comments. Their grandma would always whisper to them in the way to the car, "...but you're a LITTLE bit ugly" because she didn't want them getting big heads! Cracked me up.

Anyway, I think I would just make sure that she understands that it doesn't matter what people think about how she looks - it's what's on the inside that counts. People can say she's beautiful; people can say she's ugly; all that really matters is her heart.




I did have this conversation with B jokingly when this issue first started:

Me: "oh that looks beautiful, B." (Getting her ready to go somewhere)

B: "don't tell me that." (Makes a mad face.)

Me: "B, you look like a mud fence."



She was not amused.

This was at the beginning though, before I realized she was taking it seriously.
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Old 03-11-2018, 07:31 PM   #10
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Re: Five year old hates to be told she is beautiful?

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Originally Posted by MamaChirpy View Post


I did have this conversation with B jokingly when this issue first started:

Me: "oh that looks beautiful, B." (Getting her ready to go somewhere)

B: "don't tell me that." (Makes a mad face.)

Me: "B, you look like a mud fence."



She was not amused.

This was at the beginning though, before I realized she was taking it seriously.
My Memaw used to tell me "your face will freeze like that"
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