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Old 08-03-2015, 05:05 AM   #1
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What do you think... 2nd child planning

... About this article?

http://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/12/01...ime-marriage/#

DH and I are still trying to find balance 19 mo postpartum and me having PPD for that first year... I am 34 and we discussed a possible second baby and maybe trying after DD turns 2 in January 2016... So they are about 3 years apart.

I have heard that for a lot of folks the first baby is the hardest but then I find opinions saying it's the second... Or even when the kids out number you and you partner at 3 or more that's rough.

I mean really isn't that first 6 months is hard with any new addition to the family....?! I don't think I slept more than two hours at a stretch for the first 9 months of DD's life!

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Old 08-03-2015, 05:43 AM   #2
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Oh gosh, there is so much truth to this. Even though my DH is generally awesome (and a great dad) I have had to remind myself lately "You don't hate him, you're just exhausted and taking it out on him."
I think that #1 was hard as FTPs, but the priorities were pretty clear, and we made our marriage priority#2 which was not so hard to "get to." Now, priorities are more difficult bc who wins: the baby who needs a nap or big sib who needs to run and jump and yell? Marriage is a distant 3rd (at best) for us right now, and it shows.
I have ZERO interest in sex, and DH refuses to do it with the baby in our room (#1 was never in our room). Getting around those two issues would take effort, and we are both too tired to put forth effort into anything not required for survival at this point.
I think the only thing NOT true for us (although may be true for many) is #1 bc DH has always been very hands on and even now actually PREFERS to get the kids out of the house and get lots of AWWWWWs from ladies at Target :-)
DH keeps reminding me that things will get easier.
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Old 08-03-2015, 05:54 AM   #3
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

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Originally Posted by DottieHarley View Post
Oh gosh, there is so much truth to this. Even though my DH is generally awesome (and a great dad) I have had to remind myself lately "You don't hate him, you're just exhausted and taking it out on him."
I think that #1 was hard as FTPs, but the priorities were pretty clear, and we made our marriage priority#2 which was not so hard to "get to." Now, priorities are more difficult bc who wins: the baby who needs a nap or big sib who needs to run and jump and yell? Marriage is a distant 3rd (at best) for us right now, and it shows.
I have ZERO interest in sex, and DH refuses to do it with the baby in our room (#1 was never in our room). Getting around those two issues would take effort, and we are both too tired to put forth effort into anything not required for survival at this point.
I think the only thing NOT true for us (although may be true for many) is #1 bc DH has always been very hands on and even now actually PREFERS to get the kids out of the house and get lots of AWWWWWs from ladies at Target :-)
DH keeps reminding me that things will get easier.
So, so true! I was a crazy person for about 4 months after #1 because I was trying to be perfect and listening to the wrong advice. DH was clueless that he needed to help (I was on maternity leave so the baby was my job). Now with #2 I'm more confident and DH is so much more supportive. But the transition to 2 was hard on #1, and still is a struggle. I feel like I have to choose one over the other all the time. I think I will look back and be happy with the age difference (27 months). Any age difference will be hard as everyone adjusts. I have heard going from 1 to 2 kids is hard because with more, the older one(s) are usually more independent and helpful.
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Old 08-03-2015, 06:09 AM   #4
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

Some of the things mentioned in the article were not an issue for us with the birth of the second.

What we didn't expect was how intense baby number 2 was. She really have us both a run for the money. I was so happy to have a baby girl that it carried me through a lot of the stress.

To me the most important thing was that the husband has to step up. I feel that by the second my dh was more confident in the baby care department by the time we had dd. They formed a special bond that is still there to this day.

I felt third was the hardest.
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Old 08-03-2015, 09:07 AM   #5
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

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Originally Posted by Agla View Post
Some of the things mentioned in the article were not an issue for us with the birth of the second.

What we didn't expect was how intense baby number 2 was. She really have us both a run for the money. I was so happy to have a baby girl that it carried me through a lot of the stress.

To me the most important thing was that the husband has to step up. I feel that by the second my dh was more confident in the baby care department by the time we had dd. They formed a special bond that is still there to this day.

I felt third was the hardest.
This was my experience with our second also. Our first was such a breeze we thought everyone was just whining about how hard parenting was. Then we had number two and wow was that hard!
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Old 08-03-2015, 09:21 AM   #6
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I think age plays a huge role on handeling things.


My son was almost 4 when we were finally able to have our second. Which made it kind of like having our first all over again. The oldest could do things for himself. I wasn't burned out from not sleeping through the night from the first (if we had them closer together I think I would)

It also totally depends on the personality of the child.

My third is mr independent and did everything early and huge. Watching his older siblings do things he wanted to. Which of course means you have to watch him like a hawk!!!

Which is why he is our last :giggle2;
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Old 08-03-2015, 09:36 AM   #7
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

That's an interesting article but I think so much of it depends on the people and the situation. With DS1 I got pregnant on birth control so it was a huge adjustment for both of us. Meanwhile DH was working a stressful job with an hour and a half commute, and so once baby came it seemed like we had no relationship and tons of stress. Fast forward to DS2 (one month old!) And Dad works from home, has built an amazing relationship with the 2.5 year old and knows he'll feel the same way about DS2. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been, and baby just makes us feel closer. Yes, it is hard to.juggle two kids, the toddler is struggling to adjust, and we're all exhausted but it's not straining the marriage like DS1 did.
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Old 08-03-2015, 10:41 AM   #8
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

The article makes it sound like she is working thru some major issues. She hasn't come out on the other side, yet, and she still sounds angry.

The checklist at the end is a good thing to do BEFORE you have #2, and continuously throughout your marriage. Keeping your marriage in good shape is crucial.

Having #1 was super difficult for me, so I prepared for difficulties with #2, and lowered my expectations of myself. When you have been thru PPD, or whatever, with the first one, you can have a viable plan in place so you don't go insane with your second. You have an idea of what you need (physical, emotional, etc.). And then you may be pleasantly surprised and get an amazing, happy sleeping baby... but if that doesn't happen, you will have begged for or hired enough help to be able to cope.

Everyone's experience is different, but I feel like that article is really negative...
1. Dad stepping up is a GOOD thing. And it will benefit the whole family, in the long run, even though it may be difficult at first.
2. Four isn't really THAT many people. You can keep your sedan. You can put baby in the Ergo, and the toddler in a stroller, and going to the farmer's market won't necessarily be "a disaster".
3. Not all toddlers "suck".
4. Not true of everyone.

Etc. Etc.

Of course there are challenges, but they can be overcome, and overcoming them together makes you stronger.
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Old 08-05-2015, 08:26 PM   #9
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

I don't agree with much in that article. There are too many variables in different families and baby's personalities to make such blanket statements. I also read her link in there about why having an only child is bad for them and it sounds like she just had major issues with her own particular upbringing and is applying it to ALL only children. And most only children that I have known were perfectly happy about it.
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Old 08-21-2015, 02:14 PM   #10
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Re: What do you think... 2nd child planning

This was not true for us. We were thrown into a tailspin when the first one was born. She was extremely high needs and very hard to satisfy. We initially were planning to get pregnant with the second at such a time so as to make the two children three years apart. I was exhausted and so was he and we were planning for another so we weren't being super careful and ended up pregnant with the second sooner rather than later. They are two years and four months apart. I think by the time the second one came along, things started smoothing out for us. The second was a super easy baby.

Every person is different and every family is different. You can't take what one person says and expect it to apply to everyone. I hope you can find what is right for your family.
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