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Old 04-09-2009, 09:55 PM   #1
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Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

I am honestly curious to hear from AP moms of all sorts. I don't consider myself to be an AP mom....we sort of pick and choose from various "parenting styles" to find what works for our daughter and some of this has included general AP principles. Here is what I am curious about....the hard core AP moms that I know IRL are not moms that I would want to emulate. This is in NO way saying that AP principles cannot work for some families. I see these moms literally sacrifice EVERYTHING....to the point where they can't go anywhere that is not kid friendly, their children will not be comforted by anyone but mom (not even dad), they are at the mercy of their children's current mood so they are not reliable for any gatherings, events, etc. and seem to even let personal things go. I had one mom tell me she literally could not even take a shower because she was holding the baby ALL day. Are these normal sacrifices for an AP mom or have these moms gone too far? Where do you draw the line on what your kid needs versus what is best for the family, your SO, the other children, yourself, your life outside of being a mom? I just feel bad for one mom in particular. I have known her since high school. She was always so enthusiastic, goal oriented, social. Everything a girl would want to be and she was even her college valedictorian. Since she had her daughter, she has let everything else go.....housework, relationships with friends and family, her weight, her enthusiasm for anything that is not about her daughter. She rarely wears makeup and most of the time her clothes are literally way too small, dirty or just so raggedy. It just makes me feel sad to see someone who had so much going for her and was someone everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I am not even sure what she is sacrificing all this for though because her daughter is horribly spoiled and not a child that anyone wants to babysit (including the grandparents). I just miss the way my friend used to be. I don't even recognize the person she is now. I am a mom myself so I know that there are so many changes in one's life when you enter motherhood but in her case, I see some specific things that are directly related to her AP style. Just throwing all this out there to see what your thoughts are. I am sure there will be a few flames but I am honestly wanting some insight on how I can understand why she does what she does. Perhaps it will make me be more patient with her. We used to be best friends. Her daughter is four and I have been waiting these four years to get my best friend back but by now, I am not holding my breath. We just have nothing in common. We aren't enemies or anything. It is just that her WHOLE life is her daughter so there is no room for anyone else I guess.
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:14 PM   #2
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

My gut tells me not to touch this one with a 10 foot pole, however....

It sounds like she is going extreme. I consider myself to be pretty schooled on AP (got the books, attended the support groups, practice it myself, etc) and one big thing that pops out at me is the 7th B-- BALANCE
Attachment parenting is meant to facilitate a stronger attachment between mother and child, and generally make life EASIER on mom and babe (although there will be times where you will take the "hard road" when necessary if it means an end payoff of an emotionally secure child) It is NOT meant to run a mother ragged or make her stressed and unhappy.
Everything that said all sounds like YOUR opinions. You never said if SHE is actually unhappy or depressed with her life. You just said that you are sad she is no longer around for YOU. Maybe she doesn't care that her clothes aren't perfect? What really matters is how SHE feels about things, though from what you say she sounds possibly stressed and unhappy.
Also, when practiced correctly, AP actually creates children who become MORE secure and adaptable to experiencing different situations. Not right at first, but at 4 yrs old it should def. be kicking in. So I guess that is another red flag for me that she in all actuality may NOT be practicing AP, but some other extreme interpretation of it.
Only .... probably not worth much!
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Old 04-10-2009, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

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It sounds like she is going extreme. I consider myself to be pretty schooled on AP (got the books, attended the support groups, practice it myself, etc) and one big thing that pops out at me is the 7th B-- BALANCE
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:14 PM   #4
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

Wow. IMO, your friend is a little extreme. Don't get me wrong... there's days where I look like a hot mess and a day goes by I couldn't shower BUT I feel like this... in order to *properly function* as a mom, wife, daughter, friend... you NEED to have some time for yourself.

I honestly don't like the title AP... you can say I fall under that category. I didn't even KNOW there was such a title until I joined some mama boards. I LOVE being a mom and being with my babies BUT mama needs a break from time to time, kwim?! Ok, I've rambled long enough and probably didn't make any sense... I'm tired! LOL
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:26 PM   #5
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

I consider myself AP.

Our son is almost 28 month old. He has never been away from me for more then two or three hours at the most. That only ever happend six or seven times since he was born. Wait, one timeI was away from him for 8 1/2 hours for my CPR and First Aid class, but that's it.
If he was not with me then he was with daddy. Never with anybody else.

I do respond to his every needs and moods.
Our son sleeps in our bed and still breastfeeds. He chooses his own naptimes and he goes to bed when he feels like it. We are perfectly fine with this.

However, AP doesn;t mean that you raise your chhildren without boundaries. Actualy I think I am pretty strict with our son. He has to go in time outs and has to apologize if he was mean to others or takes toys away and doesn't share. He says thank you and please and bless you when someone sneezes. He likes to share and help others.

If I had to do it all over again I would do it the same exact way. Our son comes first and my husband is on board with that. We decided to have him and now I am a WAHM and do the best I can.
Honestly, I do not feel like I want to go anywhere without our son. He is very well behaved when we take him with us. As well behaved as a little one in his terrible twos can be that is
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:34 AM   #6
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

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Originally Posted by NataschaN View Post
I consider myself AP.

Our son is almost 28 month old. He has never been away from me for more then two or three hours at the most. That only ever happend six or seven times since he was born. Wait, one timeI was away from him for 8 1/2 hours for my CPR and First Aid class, but that's it.
If he was not with me then he was with daddy. Never with anybody else.

I do respond to his every needs and moods.
Our son sleeps in our bed and still breastfeeds. He chooses his own naptimes and he goes to bed when he feels like it. We are perfectly fine with this.

However, AP doesn;t mean that you raise your chhildren without boundaries. Actualy I think I am pretty strict with our son. He has to go in time outs and has to apologize if he was mean to others or takes toys away and doesn't share. He says thank you and please and bless you when someone sneezes. He likes to share and help others.

If I had to do it all over again I would do it the same exact way. Our son comes first and my husband is on board with that. We decided to have him and now I am a WAHM and do the best I can.
Honestly, I do not feel like I want to go anywhere without our son. He is very well behaved when we take him with us. As well behaved as a little one in his terrible twos can be that is
We sound very much alike in this aspect!
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Old 04-10-2009, 08:37 AM   #7
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

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We sound very much alike in this aspect!
me too .

I consider myself an AP parent for the most part and what you are describing does not sound like AP. My son is only 6 months old (he is my first) and is pretty comfortable going to diff kinds of people. I usually let him decide if he wants to be carried by an adult (sometimes he allows it sometimes he doesn't) only time I would pass him to an adult w/o my son initiating it would be if there is an emergency or I really need to go to the bathroom. He rarely cries, is good natured, and has stayed with my inlaws for 4hrs with very little crying (sometimes when I keep him from his naps by taking him out of the car and in he gets cranky).

He is progressing just fine and seems healthy. I got criticize a lot (by family) at first but I am already seen the emotional payout which makes me even more committed to the principles that have been working for us thus far. My in laws are impressed with how well behaved he is. The majority of my friends do practice ap, still go on vacation, we even went hiking with our LOs, go to the museum, and restaurants etc. Their children are similar to mine in temperament.

LIke a previous post mentioned, she might just be happy that way. in my opinion it sounds more like she might be suffering from depression and wanting to keep her child a baby a little longer. It doesn't sound healthy but to each their own.
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Old 04-10-2009, 02:07 PM   #8
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

Our parenting styles are similar. With two babies at once, some of these things I've read on here are just not practical for us. I also have a very involved extended family, so my children are with other people besides us. Anyhoo, I know moms very similar to what you described who would not have a clue what I was talking about if I told them they were AP. I think some women are just like that, honestly.
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:10 PM   #9
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

I don't consider myself to be very AP but I wanted to touch on the depression thing. No one in my life except my husband would know that I'm VERY depressed and have panic attacks thinking about going out of my house. I still do it because I have to but I can put on one giant happy face and fool the world. You can never, ever tell just how bad depression might be for someone else. If you're an outsider looking in, she may seem fine but she may really be struggling to hold it all together.
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:43 PM   #10
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Re: Question for AP moms...where do you "draw the line" or is there one?

I'm still new at this but i think there is a difference in attachment parenting and an unhealthy parenting style. Attachment parenting aims to build the child's confidence in a supportive way. What you describe is not healthy.

Don't get me wrong... a week has gone by without me leaving the house sometimes because I'm breastfeeding or holding him all the time. I have days where I go out in workout clothes and no makeup and don't care because it's a small victory that I actually got out of the house lol... but he's only 6 months old. A child who acts like a spoiled brat and has no discipline or confidence is a result of poor parenting, not AP.
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