View Poll Results: Cohabiting before marriage: yay or nay?
Yes. 164 52.56%
No. 112 35.90%
Who cares? Marriage is an outdated institution anyway. 36 11.54%
Voters: 312. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 09-03-2012, 08:51 PM   #41
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I didn't read all the responses but I imagine you got some wonderful advice already. I moved in with my ex because of a very unplanned pregnancy. He was not "the one" but I was pregnant and wanted my baby having a traditional family. We were talking about marriage and I was going to do "the right thing". Then I had my baby and I totally snappedout of it. I immediately broke up with him and never looked back. I think deep down I knew what was right, but I was so worried about appearances. Now I don't care at all what anyone thinks. I always do what is best for me and for my DD.

My advice is don't move in with him because you're pregnant. That's just a horrible thing to do, trust me. Also you aren't ready to move in by the sounds of it. You two seem to be on different oases when talking about the future. Unfortunately pregnancy just speeds relations up, buti highly recommend taking it slowly and doing what feels right, not what society or friends or family are pressuring you to do.


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Old 09-04-2012, 12:41 AM   #42
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

Originally Posted by beccatown View Post
The statistics for divorce are higher amongst those who co-habitate before marriage compared to those who don't.
This is not true. This is information touted by most organisations who are against cohabitation before marriage for religious reasons.

My husband and I lived together for 3 years before marrying. The 6 months of our marriage have been harder then those 3 years because it is a change in mindset. BUT. We are so willing to work for what we have and fight to prevent it falling apart that we stand a good chance of making it.

Every relationship can work if both parties are willing to work at it and work darn hard at it.
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Old 09-04-2012, 01:07 PM   #43
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

You can take your relationship with him as A)boyfriend and B) father of your child at different rates. If you weren't pregnant, would you move in? My DH and I got pregnant fairly quickly in our relationship and I moved in when I was a few months along, but it made sense for us both where we were in our relationship togeter (I would have even if I hadn't been pregnant). We too lived an hour apart and I spet more time at his house than my own apartment, and after 6 months together we were ready. He proposed a short time later but we didn't get married for 2 more years, when pg with DD2. For us, we were able to co-parent and be mommy/daddy together to our children without feeling like we needed to be married. After being together for 2.5 years, we were ready for marriage.
Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. He may be open to commitment but just of a different sort. Maybe your timelines or journeys are different, even though the goal is the same. It's a hard place to be in. Don't put pressure, ask open-ended questions, and avoid absolutes.
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Old 09-04-2012, 06:11 PM   #44
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

Thanks for your input. A few interesting things happened this long weekend. First, we spent Saturday at his family's camp for an early Thanksgiving dinner (his family lives all over the US and come to Maine for the summer). We were asked twice if we were going to get married. The first time I dodged the bullet by saying: "I guess there is no point now...since we had dessert first!". Then, his dad asked if my last name was still my ex's. I said yes and explained that I decided to go to the path of least resistance and I wanted my son and I to have the same last name. Little did I know I was going to meet his son (who BTW, is not happy with the fact I still have my ex's last name). Ryan's aunt then said: "Well, you can change your last name if you guys get married". I really had enough, so very politely I said: "He does not want to get married".

Silence. Ryan protested loudly, and replied: "Well, that is not necessarily true!". And then proceeded to change the subject. Shortly after that we left, and spent the night at Ryan's parents.

The following day his mom asked how I was doing, and I spilled the beans about what had been happening and how anxious and insecure I felt. She listened carefully and calm me down, and in a very gentle and motherly way told me that her son does love me, but is letting his past rule his present.

"He thinks marriage ruins everything. He loves you. He keeps telling me: Mom, I love her so much! She is the one. Just give him time. I still have no clue what his ex did to him that left him jaded. But you are not like his ex and Ryan is not like yours. You guys live in fear of history repeating itself and all you'll end up doing is ruin a beautiful relationship."

It made so much sense that I felt relieved. I thought he had overcome his marriage failure. Turns out like-most men- he set his feelings aside. I am very open and honest about what a mess I still am and I am working on getting back on track. Now it seems he has work to do but I think together we can overcome that.

Proud mom to my intact, mostly unvaccinated, baby boys Jayden (11/30/08) and Riley (03/28/2013). WOHM who still manages to lead a semi-crunchy, mostly organic, homeopathic, frugal life.

Last edited by Iliana; 09-04-2012 at 06:13 PM. Reason: clarity
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Old 09-04-2012, 07:22 PM   #45
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

You're lucky to have future in laws like his mom and I should agree that she's right. Don't rush things over because a lot is pressuring the two of you. If only I could turn back time, I'll definitely not marry first my DH because I was pregnant. Unfortunately, divorce is not permitted here in my country so I have no choice but to stay with him. We have two kids now and still our means can't really support a family. I think we really have to wait when will they mature and hopefully it's soon.
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Old 09-04-2012, 08:40 PM   #46
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Honestly-I think all these opinions you're gathering will only do one of two things. Confuse you even more or solidify what you know but don't want to face for whatever reason. Bottom line is either YOU are comfortable with Living together or not, even though that seems like a superfluous issue to me. What seems to be the issue (and I could be wrong) is that you want a clear cut 100% out there "I will never leave you" commitment. And to you it seems that a wedding is the first step in that direction. If that's how you feel, whether you want a huge gala affair or a small backyard cookout, you HAVE to make it clear. You and he need to sit down and actually talk about things. I know pregnancy hormones will make it difficult but it needs to be done. Because if he thinks all you want is a wedding and everything else is jut second fiddle then I can see him being hesitant. From what I've read here it seems that you and he both want the same end goal-a marriage and commitment. You just disagree on the road to getting there. All the statistics in the world an all the advice and anecdotes from strangers on the Internet (who are all lovely women-and men-by te way) won't change what you need to feel secure and happy. Which is why I'm not sharing my personal views. They don't matter. All that matters is you and what you need and your boyfriend and what he needs. I'm sorry if this came off as preachy by the way. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make. ::
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Old 09-04-2012, 08:49 PM   #47
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I was always for it but am not now. My current bf and I moved in 3 years ago. We had had both been married and divorced before. We had only been dating 9 months when we moved in together. I will avoid the details but there were circumstances that pushed us a little faster. We moved in with my 2 boys and his dd. We planned on getting married but weren't engaged. A year later he moved out. He stayed in the same town and we kept dating. It was hard on me and the kiddos. Not to mention I now have a more expensive house payment and all that crud. We are oddly still together, talking seriously about getting married now. Even though we are both stretched financially we aren't moving in until we are married.

It just depends on who you are. Relationships are sooo hard and I wish you the best at working this out!!! Congrats on the pg!
Suzi, working mama to my ODS(2004) , YDS(2006), DSD(2004) and married to the love of my life
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Old 09-29-2012, 12:24 AM   #48
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I say it's absolutely imperative for a couple to live together with a little one coming along, if ONLY so that the couple can both help each other in caring for the child.

My partner and I have lived together for 7 years and have an almost-2 year old. We are not married. Nor are we intentionally "unmarried". We're just a loving couple raising a family together. [And yes, now that we have a little one EVERYONE assumes that we're married.. but that's another thread topic there.]
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Old 09-30-2012, 02:49 PM   #49
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I say yay. We've been living together for 6 years, and we started as roommates, not dating. We've bought and are currently selling a house, have two kids, and are working on number 3, and we've never been, nor do we plan on getting married It works for us. We are happy as can be!
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:14 AM   #50
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I said yay but only if you want to. For me I will not marry a guy til I live with him a min of 6 months and not sure I would marry again anyway.

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