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Old 02-12-2010, 11:39 AM   #11
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

We find (as with most parents) that each child needs a different punishment. Oh the lucky parents with the child that merely needs to be told! We have one that generally has to "feel" the hurt before she will stop. When she lied we discussed the hurt, the trust, etc. etc. Then I lied to her about something followed with a lengthy discussion on how that made her feel. She still lies on occasion but with her "lying face" I just stare and she fesses up within seconds followed with an apology.

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Old 02-13-2010, 12:02 AM   #12
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

Well, we're a spanking family, so that covers quite a few lying scenarios. We also talk to DSS (10.5yo) about how his repeated lies make it to where we have a hard time believing some things that he says (particularly where 5yo DS is concerned). When he lies through deceitfulness, he earns more chores. E.g., I ask him to put away clothes and I find them crammed under his bed, he gets to complete the first task, and then gets a full second load to put away, to practice doing it the right way.



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Originally Posted by Sillebille View Post
we still have issues with lying.
we have 3 kids and as usual no one did it....

Even if we are 1000% sure because there is no other option, even if you find the wrapping paper from candy in their room...they won't admit it.
Put the candy somewhere inaccessible, or get rid of it altogether.

How would you punish 9 and 12 year old kids???

Taking away the allowance did not work, they lost 3 months worth in a few days and still lie.
Have you considered doing fines? Have a set fine for lies and let them pay it up. Put it in a clear jar so they can see it add up. More effective than just not getting an allowance, IMO. Maybe allow them to earn it back through catching them being honest. For example, if they're caught with candy trash in their rooms and they speak honestly, they can have one fined amount returned to them.

Forbidding TV/PC/DS did not really work because when everybody else is watching/playing you would have to put the punished kid like into the basement.....
Take everything fun away - friends, electronics, pack up all of the toys. They can spend time in a bare room, secluded from entertainment. When they can be counted on to be trustworthy, they can start getting some privileges back.

Sometimes I let the kids write a sentence 100 times "Eating and drinking in the bedrooms is not allowed" (because she never cleans up and then you have the mold in the plates and bowls and stains in the carpet...)
Have her take dishes duty for a week. When you catch her with food or dishes in her room, regardless of whether there is mold or not, let her know she's in charge of washing & putting away dishes for the next week. If she continues eating in her room during that wee, extend it by a day. She can take on dishes for a full week beyond the last day she was caught eating or drinking in her room. Writing sentences is often ineffective as punishment.

So far that works best, but sometimes it is a big hassle to get the kid to write it and stop kicking and screaming. And sometimes we simply don't have time for that.....

Be sure we had some serious talks about stealing, trust, property and so on. So my kids KNOW everything but do not care 5 minutes after the talk.


So, tell me: how do you punish your older kids??
Help me find a solution that works.
For the most part, I will say let the punishment fit the crime, and start by targeting specific situations. If those won't change , then I would move to full grounding, with the rationale that if they can't be trusted to act honestly at home, you can't expect them to act honestly away from home (extra-curricular activities, going on errands or to friends' houses).
Thanks
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:58 AM   #13
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

We also use spanking when it is necessary. DD is almost 11, and rarely gets spanked anymore, because we have found other punishments work better.

Number one for us- if you know they did it- don't set them up to lie! Don't ask them if they did it, just say hey- I know you did XX- and depending on the XX, we will either talk about why, and come to a solution (for us this would involve things like not turning in homework, getting a bad grade on a test and not telling us, or being disrespectful(which we often find out is because they are frustrated over something, and not usually related to the person they are being disrespectful to)) or tell her because of the action, there are consequences, directly relating to the offense. I am also vocal about how her actions effect me, and other people, and how I feel- I tell her flat out that I am disappointed that she made poor choices, etc, and that she should be ashamed of herself.

We don't believe in this newer idea that we have to only build up a child's self esteem by constantly heaping praises on them.

We also
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Old 02-13-2010, 07:45 AM   #14
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

Take everything fun away - friends, electronics, pack up all of the toys. They can spend time in a bare room, secluded from entertainment. When they can be counted on to be trustworthy, they can start getting some privileges back. Quote



I have done this before and it does work. We removed everything from his room except his bed, even took the door off.
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:00 AM   #15
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C'mon girls. Do you never punish your kids in one form or another?
I need ideas!!! ...before I put them in a package to Alaska!!!
Oh man I am having the same issues with my 9 DS and almost 11 dd. don't send yours up here! We don't know what to do with the ones we already have!
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:14 PM   #16
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

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We also use spanking when it is necessary. DD is almost 11, and rarely gets spanked anymore, because we have found other punishments work better.

Number one for us- if you know they did it- don't set them up to lie! Don't ask them if they did it, just say hey- I know you did XX- and depending on the XX, we will either talk about why, and come to a solution (for us this would involve things like not turning in homework, getting a bad grade on a test and not telling us, or being disrespectful(which we often find out is because they are frustrated over something, and not usually related to the person they are being disrespectful to)) or tell her because of the action, there are consequences, directly relating to the offense. I am also vocal about how her actions effect me, and other people, and how I feel- I tell her flat out that I am disappointed that she made poor choices, etc, and that she should be ashamed of herself.

We don't believe in this newer idea that we have to only build up a child's self esteem by constantly heaping praises on them.

We also
Amen! We have a 9.5 yo and an almost 12 yo. Ugh! I feel your pain. The 12 yo is more into the subtle manipulation of a situation (she's big on asking forgiveness rather than permission b/c she knows beforehand what the answer will be), and the 9 yo just flat-out lies. She lies about things that are obviously not true.

It is getting better, but we're not through it yet. When something happens/get broken/someone hurt, etc. I start with "what happened that caused you to _______?" I assume guilt from the beginning. This greatly offends my 9 yo, but I've just explained that when one lies as much as she has, she is guilty until proven innocent. Then when I catch her in a lie, I point out that this is the reason we are forced to treat her as guilty b/c she continues to lie (this has actually been the most effective for us). It really seems to sink in that x causes y and she should tell the truth. Occasionally, I add the bit about God being able to see all of our actions and if she were to die, would she want to bring those sins to heaven and have judgement passed. That may seem extreme, but I am seriously desperate when I pull the death and dying card.

We try to find consequences that fit the crime. For eating in the bedroom, she got all snacks taken away for a period of time (I think 3 days) and when she did it again, the time became a week. We don't typically have much around to snack on, so it is obvious when something is gone (plus we have scheduled snack times).

DH and I received a Kindle Fire for Christmas and it seems that our children have come to think that it is theirs. Yesterday, all movies, computer time and Kindle time were removed until Saturday b/c they need to understand that those are privileges, not rights. My 4 yo hid the Kindle in his bedroom (after asking DH if he could have it-DH didn't know the no electronics order had been issued since he was at work and told him yes) and now does not get any shows until Monday (for having it at all and for asking the other parent when one had said no). And, yes, he will go sit in his room when we have family movie on Saturday night. And, yes, he will scream and moan and act like we're ripping off his arms. He will live and theoretically he will ask (only if he can use it to begin with) the next time he wants to mess with the Kindle. If not, we'll rinse and repeat.

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Oh man I am having the same issues with my 9 DS and almost 11 dd. don't send yours up here! We don't know what to do with the ones we already have!
I hear Alaska is nice this time of year. You can have 2 more.
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:58 PM   #17
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They were taking our iPads, iPods and using our computers when we were out of the house. It wasn't even worth it to continue to punish them cause they would continue (we use them for the littles to watch shows because they are on iTunes). To eliminate it, we just passworded everything. It is a pita for us, but it is almost funny when we pick something up and it is locked out for an hour because they tried to break in and couldn't guess the passwords.

Ya. Eating in their room is awesome. The oldest would make brownies and stuff and then eat the raw batter till it made her sick and then just hide it to mold. I just stopped buying treats and then they miss out way more because the took. My husband does physical punishments because spankings are long past not working. The kids are stubborn enough they will take it and not change their attitudes. We took them to counseling because things were just so bad and the counselor was totally on board with our parenting plan. The girl told him she didn't care about punishment because she got away with a lot more than she was caught and punished for so the risk was worth it? I was so mad when I heard that. He pretty much told us to keep on and not ease up or it will reinforce her mentality and make her feel like she is winning in this battle of insanity. We were to the point that we didn't want to reward little bits of good because it was like we were rewarding all the bad. Eventually the kids would say, I hate the way this is going. Something has to change and it isn't going to be them! And it was only then that we started seeing improvements. But we are not out of the woods yet. If they want to grow up to be spoiled little liars it won't be because we made it easy for them! Gah!
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:11 PM   #18
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Re: What to do with lying 9/12 year olds??

AddingOh.. glad to hear I'm not the only one with this. I will just make short. 8 almost girl lies & steals for at least last 4 yrs. Hides candy & fod wrappers. Stole from store but manager had to try to not laugh so not sure how much that did. Took a necklace recently with out asking not hers... she lies about cleaning her room like if she did she will say no & vise versa.

I don't know what to do she cries about everything & its hard to take tv & all away because little sis & only one family room. Nowhere to put toys if take out of her room.

She's bright but her biodad did this type of stuff on military base & apparently they couldn't do anything. Am I hopeless for ideas gals?

She already has to help clean up toys, no allowance. She's in girl scouts & hoping it helps.

She says she doesn't know why she does & feels bad about doing but 5hen she does stuff again......aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!bang head....pull out hair........

I think most shocking advice is from pastor that said put in corner til she pees herself & what not. That coule be days. She is a stubborn kid at times. Tried telling her things wouldn't be as bad if she fesses up to things but not much better.

Unless someone else can verify story I assume she lies.....

She hates spicey stuff so maybe I will try that.......
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