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Old 09-27-2016, 10:28 PM   #1
maliha
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Biological vs surrogate father

a guy knocked me up against my will. i didn't know i was pregnant until i was already hanging out with my now partner. he was with me during my whole pregnancy and even named the baby after him, with his full knowledge that he is not the biological father. so, when should i tell my daughter that his papa is not his biological father? anyways, the biological father says he loves my daughter yet he never bothered about her even during childbirth.

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Old 09-28-2016, 12:34 AM   #2
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Re: Biological vs surrogate father

That's a tough one. If bio dad eventually decides he wants to be a part of your daughters life, than unfortunately you'll probably have to tell her at that point. If bio dad remains absent in her life you may convince him to sign over his rights and allow her real papa to adopt her, if things are done this way it would be easier to wait until she's much older and emotionally ready to understand the concept of what bio vs adopted means. If he refuses but still decides not to be in her life, she may start to question why she has a different last name and your partner won't have any legal rights to her, so you may need to have that conversation sooner. It really comes down to circumstances and what you as her mother and full time care taker feel is best. The most important advice I can give you is go to the Family Court and file for full custody of your daughter because even if bio dad isn't in the picture if he suddenly had change of heart, or gets a bitter thorn in his side, he will have just as much rights to your (his) daughter as you do.

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Old 09-28-2016, 01:00 AM   #3
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Re: Biological vs surrogate father

If he got you pregnant on purpose why did he not want anything to do with the pregnancy or child? That seems strange to me.


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Old 09-28-2016, 08:54 AM   #4
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Re: Biological vs surrogate father

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Originally Posted by missydawn View Post
If he got you pregnant on purpose why did he not want anything to do with the pregnancy or child? That seems strange to me.


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Old 09-28-2016, 06:37 PM   #5
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Re: Biological vs surrogate father

Not sure what's confusing, guys? Some people are just crappy and weird.

When I was 17, my 19-year-old boyfriend (whom I'd only known/dated/partied with for a month) decided to poke holes in our condoms and skip using them when I was too wasted to notice. The whole thing was obviously a mess and not a collection of my finest moments, but I guess he thought it would be a good way to cement our "relationship". When I went to get my birth control shot, I found out I was pregnant. We'd only known each other for 6 weeks at that point. I immediately sobered up after learning about the pregnancy.

When not inebriated, I quickly realized this guy wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be in a relationship with, so I ended it. After that, he expressed some interest in the baby a couple times during the pregnancy, and made some threats-- but he largely left me alone when he realized that the baby wasn't going to force me to be with him for the rest of my life. He then made one half-hearted attempt to see my daughter when she was 3 months old. He ambushed me at my grandparents' house and asked to show the baby to his new girlfriend... and then that was it. He was in prison by the time she was a year old. Not exactly the kind of behavior you'd expect from a person who had intentionally impregnated someone else... But it is what it is.

As for your question, OP, I think that you should tell her when she is old enough to understand or ask about things related to the subject. That's going to be different for everyone. I didn't meet my DH until my daughter was 3.5, and didn't date at all before that. My daughter did have questions early on about why she didn't have a daddy when other kids did. I was honest with her in an age appropriate way. Kids are smarter than many people realize. She now considers my DH to be her dad, even though he hasn't officially adopted her yet. Knowing that he is not biologically related hasn't affected their relationship. If anything, I think it makes it stronger for her to realize that he CHOSE to be her dad, which is pretty special. I don't think there is anything to be gained by waiting to tell your little girl the truth for any significant length of time.
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Old 09-29-2016, 09:02 AM   #6
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Re: Biological vs surrogate father

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Originally Posted by luvmybaby333 View Post
Not exactly the kind of behavior you'd expect from a person who had intentionally impregnated someone else... But it is what it is.
I don't know about that. I think someone who is self-centered, thoughtless, controlling, and cruel enough to deliberately get someone pregnant against her will is exactly the sort of person to ignore that person and the baby when they don't meet his immediate whims--and to try to keep controlling them.

OP, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. It sounds to me like the kind of situation where you can't do what anyone else did; you have to just figure out what's best for you and your family, and that will change as your child ages.
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