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Old 03-06-2013, 01:43 PM   #51
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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This is an interesting rabbit trail my brain has hopped down numerous times. If I do x, what long term affect will it have? If I don't do x, what would that do? What would a better mom do? What would my perfect best friend's Erica's mom have done? haha. I think what I've tried to do is be as consistent as possible. In other words, I don't use food as a reward or a carrot so to speak. I don't yell as a general rule. I keep calm and carry on in most situations. I disparage the behavior not the child, etc. But there are times... we zig instead of zag. I'm coming to find that despite my need for guidance in this situation, I think there's room to make mistakes or exceptions.

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes that bear eats you.

I kind of figure no matter what I do, they will have complaints later. I find we (as a whole) worry a lot about long term results of our parenting decisions. I wonder if it has always been so.

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Old 03-06-2013, 01:45 PM   #52
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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My buddies did not die face down in the mud so you could have an oriental rug mousepad tying your desk together.
I can't repeat the next line since it has the f-word in it about 4x!
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Old 03-06-2013, 01:48 PM   #53
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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Originally Posted by danner View Post
This is an interesting rabbit trail my brain has hopped down numerous times. If I do x, what long term affect will it have? If I don't do x, what would that do? What would a better mom do? What would my perfect best friend's Erica's mom have done? haha. I think what I've tried to do is be as consistent as possible. In other words, I don't use food as a reward or a carrot so to speak. I don't yell as a general rule. I keep calm and carry on in most situations. I disparage the behavior not the child, etc. But there are times... we zig instead of zag. I'm coming to find that despite my need for guidance in this situation, I think there's room to make mistakes or exceptions.

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes that bear eats you.
The best you can do is show her what happens when you find someone in the Alps (or so the clean version goes).
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:18 PM   #54
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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The best you can do is show her what happens when you find someone in the Alps (or so the clean version goes).
Smash the crap out of her Matchbox? Poor kid has me for a mama.
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:12 PM   #55
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

OP's situation reminds me of something similar that Mariah went through last month. Every time a girl in her class has a birthday she makes something for her. For one child she wrapped a plain headband with colored string to make it pretty. One child she drew a picture of a dog (and she's talented), etc. Well for this girl she made her a beaded bracelet. Well Mariah never got invited to the party. Not only that but she recently came home and told me that this child recieved a piece of jewelry from another classmate that she wears often but that she never wears the one Mariah gave her. It's a very hurtful feeling.
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:15 PM   #56
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I haven't read responses yet but here is my take.
There are disappointments in life and these are teaching moments for our children. I would simply tell her, it is okay to feel sad/angry/upset but we don't always get invited to everything just as we don't always invite everyone. It doesn't mean we aren't friends/friendly with her, it just means that this time other children were invited and next time it might be her turn.
There may have been limits given to this child by her parents and she was asked to chose so many friends. At this age maybe her parents chose children based on their social group (friends with parents), maybe they're it based on who she talks about.
My personal opinion is that by not letting our children experience disappointment and teaching them to accept and deal with it we are setting them up for failure. The cake could be a way to help her express her feelings. I love to bake when I am sad and then I take it to share with friends and it cheers me up. I think for me it is tied to the fact that my grandma always asked with me and thinking of her cheers me up :-)
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:52 PM   #57
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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Smash the crap out of her Matchbox? Poor kid has me for a mama.
Ideally it would be someone else's. Oh! How about Emma's?
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:41 PM   #58
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

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About that cake: It's DELICIOUS.
Hey, I have an idea....how about boxing up a slice or 2 and sending it to me?
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:16 PM   #59
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Re: My 4 yo excluded from a party

I'm sorry that your little girl went through this, OP.
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:42 PM   #60
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I know it's life - yada yada yada. But can I just say that parents that do this kind of thing make me :burn:

A. I would never exclude one in a group of friends or class. I think it's just plain wrong.
B. if for some bizarre reason I just had to do it, I would make a point to contact the parents of the excluded kid and apologize and explain.

I get that sometimes there are space limits but there is no real excuse for being so thoughtlessly cruel.

I think making cake was a fine thing to do. Not making cake is also fine. It sounds like it helped the OPs dd so that's great. I am sorry the other parents are such douches. You shouldn't have to be in the clique for them to include her.
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