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Old 05-03-2017, 07:06 PM   #1
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One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

My DH's 20-year-old niece has requested that my 4-year-old son be her ring bearer for her wedding this fall. I'm fine with that, but there is one small problem. I have a 9-year-old daughter as well who adores her big cousin and was hoping to be the flower girl. Our niece has a 6?-year-old half-sister that I'm assuming is going to fill that role. I don't have a problem with that, I was just hoping she'd make room for two flower girls or ask DD to be a junior bridesmaid instead. I'm afraid that DD's feelings are going to be hurt if DS is included and she's not. Thankfully my MIL had the same concern when DH told her about the situation and was going to talk to my SIL about it. And my DH understands where I'm coming from.

I really don't want to be an overbearing aunt trying to run the show. Honestly, if DN had asked DD and not DS I wouldn't have blinked twice because he would be too little to know what he's missing, and he's not the most outgoing kid anyway. But DD loves that kind of thing and is old enough to know that she wouldn't be in the wedding. And honestly, I'm afraid DS might be too scared to walk down the aisle in that role without his sister.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting DD to be in the wedding, too?


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Old 05-03-2017, 07:15 PM   #2
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Ehhh, it's her wedding and I would let her proceed with whoever she has chosen without mentioning your daughter and her desire to be in the wedding. I would use it as a life lesson for your daughter and move on. Niece really shouldn't have to worry about the situation at all IMO.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:24 PM   #3
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Could you ask if DD could support DS since he would be nervious and let them do it together? It could be planned instead of you all of a sudden being "in the wedding" because DS won't go. It could be a bit of a life lesson because DD isn't the star, but could also solve other potential issues and not leave her completely out.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:27 PM   #4
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

I'm sure she (niece) probably didn't even realize that your DD wanted to be in the wedding.

This is a tough situation.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:39 PM   #5
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

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Could you ask if DD could support DS since he would be nervious and let them do it together? It could be planned instead of you all of a sudden being "in the wedding" because DS won't go. It could be a bit of a life lesson because DD isn't the star, but could also solve other potential issues and not leave her completely out.

This is the angle that I'd like to use. Heck, DS wouldn't go sit down on the carpet at storytime the other day without me right next to him, and that was a small setting with only a couple of other kids. I just don't know how reliable he'd be as a ring bearer without a familiar face to walk with. He doesn't know the half-sister at all, and the rest of the family lives over an hour away making it hard to arrange some sort of play date.


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Old 05-03-2017, 08:40 PM   #6
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

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This is the angle that I'd like to use. Heck, DS wouldn't go sit down on the carpet at storytime the other day without me right next to him, and that was a small setting with only a couple of other kids. I just don't know how reliable he'd be as a ring bearer without a familiar face to walk with. He doesn't know the half-sister at all, and the rest of the family lives over an hour away making it hard to arrange some sort of play date.


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I'd be honest with your niece about your concerns about DS not walking or getting too nervous. She can decide if she still wants to use him or find someone else, but I still wouldn't bring your daughter into it.
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Old 05-03-2017, 09:20 PM   #7
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I'd be honest with your niece about your concerns about DS not walking or getting too nervous. She can decide if she still wants to use him or find someone else, but I still wouldn't bring your daughter into it.
I agree with this. I'm not particularly close to my extended family, but if one of my aunts or my MIL would have tried to interject a child/teen into my wedding, I would not have been happy. I say let your niece have her day, and make it a learning moment for your daughter.
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Old 05-03-2017, 09:38 PM   #8
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Sometimes unexpected people end up in the wedding anyway when little kids are in the picture. My two-year-old son was ring bearer for my brother and my husband ended up carrying him down the aisle. He was very young, so it was not unexpected, but it can happen with a four-year-old too. I would say to mention to your niece that he may have some trouble, and offer to let your daughter be on stand-by in case he needs someone's hand to hold, and leave it up to your niece to decide ultimately what to do. Don't say anything to your daughter until you hear a final decision from your niece, and then if she still is not included in the wedding party, help her support her brother from the sidelines and get through it. That's my two cents. Good luck!
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Old 05-04-2017, 04:38 AM   #9
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Our ring bearer was only 3, but his mom was a bridesmaid, so we could just tell him to go walk to his mom. And his grandparents (my aunt and uncle) were sitting towards the front of the church, so he had familiar faces to focus on. He did fine. But my son's personality is different. We'll see family next weekend for Mother's Day so I'm hoping we'll be able to find a solution.


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Old 05-06-2017, 08:13 AM   #10
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

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Our ring bearer was only 3, but his mom was a bridesmaid, so we could just tell him to go walk to his mom. And his grandparents (my aunt and uncle) were sitting towards the front of the church, so he had familiar faces to focus on. He did fine. But my son's personality is different. We'll see family next weekend for Mother's Day so I'm hoping we'll be able to find a solution.


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I wonder if they could make a role for her in some way. It's a tough one. Maybe when you see them they'll have a solution.
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