Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-17-2016, 09:51 AM   #1
carlyq12
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 78
MIL issues

My husband and I plan to homeschool our children. We are having problems with his mother (my mil). She is very secular/atheist and doesn't like our Christian world view.

She is very against our wanting to homeschool and has confronted me in emails and has snuck behind our backs and confronted my mother too.

Another problem is we do not have a close relationship with her as she was a neglectful mother to my husband growing up. So he only puts up with her for short visits. She really wants to build a relationship with our oldest and we do not like her influence....


How do you deal with someone like this? How do you tell them to back off without them threatening you?

She is a very dangerous women who likes to use the legal system in her own favour. We want to raise our children the way we want to without feeing worried about threats from her.


She is never respectful of our home rules (we tell her to only bring presents and Christmas and birthdays, she brings presents all year long) we don't want to spoil our children with gifts we want them to be more appreciative. How do we deal with a women who is very secular/atheist and not respectful of our beliefs...

Anyone been there?

Advertisement


Last edited by carlyq12; 02-17-2016 at 09:55 AM.
carlyq12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2016, 10:30 AM   #2
LuBird's Avatar
LuBird
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 33
Re: MIL issues

Well they aren't her kids, so really she has no say. However if she likes to play dirty with bringing in the legal system/CPS or what have you, then I would start documenting EVERYTHING she says on the matter. Threats, passive aggression, everything. So when that day comes she decides to play the dirt card, you have proof she's just trying to sabotage you.

The next thing I would do, is firmly state that these are YOUR CHILDREN, not hers, so she has no say. Tell her that you will drop the matter any time it is approached, and if she insists on pressuring, that you will go no contact with her. Then, and this is the biggest thing, STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You do not have to explain yourself or your beliefs to someone who just isn't willing to listen in the first place. You'll be wasting your breath and your energy on it. It's not worth it.

Not only that, but just from what little you've expressed here, it sounds like this woman does not respect you or your husband. I wouldn't want to keep someone like that around my kids, especially when they undermine your parenting right in front of them.

If MIL isn't being reasonable, then you should put into place an absolute no tolerance policy whenever she is in YOUR home with YOUR kids. If she doesn't follow the policy, she loses the privilege of grandma. Your husband should be telling her this as well, as it's his mother. Don't let someone try to bully you into what they want for YOUR children. You are their MOTHER, he is their FATHER, it's up to no one but you guys. That means knocking anyone out of the picture that threatens that right.

Seriously, document everything. I would write an email out with your husband about your loss of patience on the matter, and that you are setting into place the no tolerance policy. Be civil, but FIRM. Then, if she loses her marbles in a response, well you have documentation that you tried to remain civil but she just isn't willing to work with you guys.

I have many toxic family members, and almost all of which I no longer have contact with, due to their lack of respect in my means of parenting and lifestyle, or even their lack of respect towards just me in general. It sucks, because you think family is supposed to be around forever, but that's just not the case some times, especially when those times pertain to your children.

I hope this helps, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Better to nip it now before she starts to really influence your kids when they're most impressionable.
LuBird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2016, 12:32 PM   #3
carlyq12
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 78
Re: MIL issues

thank you so much for your wise response. I have been keeping her emails in a folder from the very moment we started emailing. So I will for sure be keeping those in case any issues arise in the future.

You gave such solid advice. Thank you very much! Sorry to hear about your own situation with family as well... it can be so difficult when its supposed to be people close/rely on when they act disrespectful.
carlyq12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2016, 12:38 PM   #4
LuBird's Avatar
LuBird
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 33
Re: MIL issues

You're already being really smart in the situation keeping what you have, that's great.

I'm glad I could give some help that could possibly ease your troubles. I really hope things work out. Homeschooling is awesome! (And in my opinion, at least where I live, much better than public schooling.) Good luck with your troubles!
LuBird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2016, 02:21 PM   #5
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 18,668
Re: MIL issues

Bye, bye! Anyone I feel is a threat to my children get the door. I don't tolerate that. DCFS is nothing to play around with. That is a direct threat to the children. Nothing and no one will make me tolerate such a person in my life.
qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2016, 12:20 PM   #6
carlyq12
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 78
Re: MIL issues

Yes, but how do you cut someone out of your life without them retaliating and actually making a false claim against you? Can you get a restraining order? I feel like I have to play it very smart and keep her at arms length (you know the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer) she is a very unsteady women.... and smiles at your face but is horrible behind the back.
carlyq12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2016, 01:14 PM   #7
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 18,668
Re: MIL issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by carlyq12 View Post
Yes, but how do you cut someone out of your life without them retaliating and actually making a false claim against you? Can you get a restraining order? I feel like I have to play it very smart and keep her at arms length (you know the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer) she is a very unsteady women.... and smiles at your face but is horrible behind the back.
Document everything. Then, if needed, by all means get a restraining order. I would also do everything to avoid her. Don't answer the phone. If she comes over, leave.
qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2016, 05:49 PM   #8
carlyq12
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 78
Re: MIL issues

ya she even asked for our phone number to call our 3.5 year old! I didn't want to lie and gave her our number (because she had heard the phone ring when my mother was calling) so now I have to avoid her.
carlyq12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2016, 06:58 PM   #9
NewMommy6111
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Spring Lake, NC
Posts: 1,876
My Mood:
Re: MIL issues

Join HSLDA and you will automatically have legal counsel should the problem you're anticipating arise. My mother is very disrespectful as well. It makes things hard for no good reason, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with that.
NewMommy6111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-01-2016, 10:06 AM   #10
SCTwinMommy's Avatar
SCTwinMommy
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: South Carolina Lowcountry
Posts: 36
My Mood:
Re: MIL issues

From the sounds of things, neither you nor your husband want her around. Neither of you enjoy having her in your lives. You feel she is a threat to your way of life. You feel she is a threat to your children. She brings nothing but stress into your lives.

Why on earth have you kept her around? Why are you allowing her to do this to your family? The legal system is far from flawless, but it's not like it's never dealt with retaliatory family issues before. Evidence of wrongdoing is still required, and there is nothing wrong with raising children religiously or homeschooling them. If you fully believe she will call police/CPS/whoever on you because of how you raise your children and the choices you will make in the future, then why keep inviting her into your home to collect more "evidence" against you?

Easiest way to cut ties is just to do it. Do it openly, honestly and fully. Recently I decided to get rid of a toxic family member, I wrote her that I had been avoiding doing it but that she deserved my honesty and deserved the respect of my directness. I very briefly and frankly spelled out a number of my complaints, stated I felt she had a long, established pattern of toxic behavior, and that I did not want her in my home or in the lives of my children. It took all of two paragraphs. Don't be wishy-washy or say something like "maybe, if you do this..." or "perhaps in a few years..." Be direct, respectful and brief. After I hit Send, she asked if we could talk about it, I politely declined. Then, to my utter amazement, she took it like an adult. That was six months ago and no issues since. It will need to be your husband writing it and sending it, though. And he needs to be 100% on the same page with you. This can't come from you--it must be him.
SCTwinMommy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2018 VIX-WomensForum LLC. All Rights Reserved.