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Old 07-08-2012, 05:48 PM   #1
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Exclamation Your thoughts please..... and support

OK so I am going to try to make sense of what happened today at church.....

DISCLAMER- I KNOW I messed up, I feel HORRID as a mother and have cried a TON today about this and my choice.

My youngest child is just 13 months old. We recently started attending a new church near our home about a month ago. We do a more attachment parenting type lifestyle with our kiddos. I have always kept my babies with me during church and would go to the nursery and stay with them so they could play if needed or nurse etc. I have never had a problem doing this at any church we have gone to. Well at this new church I did my normal routine of going with my son to the nursery to nurse and play when he would get restless in church. He is going thru pretty strong seperation anxiety currently and prefers to stay with me or his daddy etc. Pretty quick at this new church I felt strong pressure from the head nursery lady that I needed to get my son use to the nursery and start leaving him....she even told me that his problem is ME...cause I won't let him go....won't seperate and make him get used to other people etc. I feel he is not ready to seperate or he would on his own- all my other kids did on their own without being pushed. Anyways...I continue doing my own thing with him every sunday....up until a week ago. The nursery worker made me feel like I am ruining my son. I also feel very akward and disliked when I stay in the nursery with my son. I can feel them being super annoyed with me that I am still staying with him. Fast forward to today- I finally agreed to letting them keep my son for the church service- reluctantly....I totally caved into the pressure! (Enter bad mommy sign )
I was repeatedly assured they would come get me if he kept crying, or they felt he was too upset. They kept telling me how he NEEDS to learn to stay with other people and such. I started questioning my parenting...and really started thinking maybe I was messing my son up!

So I handed him over... he started crying immediatly. I walked away and tried to go to service. I could not sit in the service because my heart was SICK. SO I go back and hang around the nursery area to see if I can hear him...He is crying off and on. I am thinking, Ok...maybe they are doing good with him..he is gonna be fine and maybe they were right afterall. I kept going back and forth from the service to the nursery wall...he was crying off and on...then while there I hear him start crying pretty hard....I run to the nursery to get him...but another lady stops me and tells me he is OK and I need to relax and learn to let go of him. I felt like a whipped dog. I went back to the service and sit there just kindof disconnected. My husband tries to talk to me and I tell him our son is still crying but they told me they got this and I need to let him go. Service ends and I go to get my baby.

(Before I type the next part I want to clarify that my son is just 13 months old- was a month premature and is smaller for his age- he is just starting to pitch a "fit" when frustrated because he cannot say more than a few words- his "fits" are where he will squeeze his fists and shreak at you or simply cry out in a frustrated tone...he does not do anything worse at this age and we are doing gentle teaching/discipline to correct this behavior-he does however cry very loud and desperate when seperated from me- he will scream frantically. This was my son's first time to stay in the nursery without me and with strangers so he was scared, confused etc)

This is where it gets super bad. So my baby pratically runs out the nursery door to me and is crying- while the nursery worker hangs onto his arm. I pick him up and the secondary worker starts telling me that he did really well (liar- I heard him crying!) Then the primary lead worker starts telling me that when I left he was not just crying he started throwing a temper tantrum and she had to put him on the floor to teach him not to throw a fit with her...she said that made him mad that she wouldn't hold him so he started screaming worse at her. She then tells me how she put her hands up inches in front of his face (like fingers up to the ceiling with palms side by side- like a wall) so he would learn not to cry and scream at her! She said he cried for a bit then stopped crying cause he learned his lesson!! I had to stop her and clarify what "tantrum" he was throwing based on what I know about my son (see above for a description of the only fits I have seen him throw). She said that he was just crying and screaming NO fist clenching- her definition of a tantrum, MY definition of a frightened, frantic baby!!! SO she then tried to show me on my son what she did and he freaked out and started crying and pulling away- and I said "YOU DID WHAT??!!". So she shows me up against MY face how she did this and said we need to do this at home with him! My jaw dropped on the floor and I stood there STUNNED as she proceeded to continue to tell me how after she did that my baby kept crying and following her around the room, but she had things to do and he just had to stop throwing his tantrums! She then tells me that he finally stopped crying and went and hid behind a chair in the room and sucked his paci! She said he finally understood he could not act bad with her and she laughed! She said they told him if he wanted to be alone that was fine with them! She then proceeded to tell me how he needs to learn to socalize better because he would not play with the other babies in the room- all he did was cry. Both workers then tell me I need to toughen up and keep bringing him so he will learn to socalize and learn he has to behave and not throw fits to stay with his mommy. So I took my baby and left... and processed what all she had said the whole way home. I burst into sobs when we got home, and told my husband what all had happened....I wasn't sure if I was being an overprotective mom or they were in the wrong for how my son was treated today... But my husband assured me he is LIVID for how his son was treated and I have every right to be angry. We are not sure what to do at this point...I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO guilty for leaving him in there against my mommy's insticts! You would think after raising kids all these years I would have more of a backbone...but this nursery leader is one tough cookie and I have never encountered this before so I was not prepared at all.....she really made me second guess my parenting choices...ugh...I know its my fault and I just needed to vent about today and hopefully get some feedback that helps me solidify that its OK for my son to still need me so much and stay with me. He won't be going back to the nursery...and honestly after this we are probably going to find another church.


Kellina ~Wife to a Cowboy & Christian Homeschooling Mama to 9 kids and YES we would love to have more! Expecting baby #10!! EDD January 2017!
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Old 07-08-2012, 05:56 PM   #2
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I probably would have done the same things Mama.

I would speak to someone about this woman's behavior, honestly, because she may be doing things to other children that would be upsetting to them and their parents as well.
Then, I would find a new church.
~Lana~ SAHM and EMT student to J 4/11/07, Asperger's, ADHD, ODD, MDNOS A 3/25/10, Autism N 10/14/11
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:05 PM   #3
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Church or not that lady should be lucky she didn't get punched. Your not in the wrong mama and I would definitely bring it up with the church.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:09 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by GreenHome Sewing
I probably would have done the same things Mama.

I would speak to someone about this woman's behavior, honestly, because she may be doing things to other children that would be upsetting to them and their parents as well.
Then, I would find a new church.
Exactly this. I would be going nuts with anger if I were you. I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from flipping out on the lady. Try not to beat yourself up Mama.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:10 PM   #5
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I think the lady was pretty bossy. I hate when people try to tell you how to parent your own children. Sometimes it is so shocking it is hard to stand up for yourself. Some people are just so pushy.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:11 PM   #6
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I would feel the exact same way you do. All my kids were like this at one time or another...they eventually come around and become less attached on their own time. 13 months is still a baby! What that worker was telling you is total bs...I would be looking for a new church as well. She has no right telling you how to parent your son.
Carrie, married to my best friend, Scott and mama to Grace '05, Kate '07 and Claire '08 and Brynn born 8/18/11
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:14 PM   #7
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Wow. You are a strong woman. I would have been trying so hard not to slap her.
I would report it to the church and if she has to be licensed to take care of kids I would report it to the state as well. Then I would find a new church.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:15 PM   #8
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I think I may have punched that lady I appreciate that you like the service at this church but this does not seem like the family friendly place of worship you need as a family with 8 children. Is there a church with a mama room? I have heard of many churches where the mama can keep her baby with her and enjoy the service in another room with a large glass window or closed caption. I am so very sorry that this happened to both of you
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:15 PM   #9
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Before you head off to find another church, if that's what you and DH feel God calling you to do, please speak to the pastor. Even if you leave, he needs to know your reasons so that he can take steps to see it doesn't happen again. Her behavior is not acceptable and she needs to be held accountable for it.

Try to not beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes, unfortunately, so you are certainly not alone.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:21 PM   #10
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I agree that you should speak to the pastor. I've helped in the nursery at our church, and there have been parents that stay there with their kids. Sometimes there are MORE parents in the nursery than kids! There's no way you should have been pressured to leave him there. Sure, it makes sense that the nursery worker would say to you that you could leave him (because some parents don't want their kids to be a huge bother to the workers), but to pressure you to leave him is wrong, and they way the whole situation was handled after that is appalling. Talk to someone about. And give your baby extra snuggles
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