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Old 06-18-2018, 08:39 PM   #11
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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Originally Posted by Elchorrito View Post
Of course there are many problems, but there are general "themes" or trends in parenting that go along with the times. Today, these trends are set by babycenter "experts" and possibly other experts such as our pediatricians. Examples: my friend gives her son timeouts of 1 minute per year old that he is, because that's "all he can handle". I can guarantee you my mom would not have made me sit in a chair for 4 minutes after I threw my food on the floor and expected to have accomplished teaching me a lesson. That wasn't the trend in the 80s, but it is the trend now. I also just read an article on babycenter that says my child is too young to sit quietly in a church service. The article suggested that DH and I take turns staying out with him - one if us attends the first half of church and the other attends the second half. Again, not what my parents would have done, and not what DH and I do. DS knows very well how to properly behave in church, and we have incredibly long services.

Every well-child checkup we get a new printout of what your child should be doing at this age and what your child can and can't handle yet. They are complete jokes. If I limited DS to what the doctor says he is able to do and what she says he can handle at this point, I feel like I would have a mess on my hands, and I would be severely limiting him.

So...I do think it's fair to say there are some problems with the current trends in parenting, or in "today's parents". Honestly, I have many friends who basically do whatever babycenter tells them to do with each issue that comes up.

I feel like a lot of this is tied to the idea of not accepting responsibility, as well as the children have the authority, not the adults. I'm not sure when this started, but it's definitely a trickle down affect from a generation or two ago.

I suspect that when divorce became more common, more moms were out of the house working, and fewer homes had 2 parents many things started to slide. I feel like a lot of this was due to people falling out of church. What it really boils down to, though, is people don't want anyone in authority over them, especially God.

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Old 06-19-2018, 05:15 PM   #12
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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I suspect that when divorce became more common, more moms were out of the house working, and fewer homes had 2 parents many things started to slide. I feel like a lot of this was due to people falling out of church. What it really boils down to, though, is people don't want anyone in authority over them, especially God.
I feel like a lot of it has to do with this. Not that women have to be home for a family to function, of course not. But it seems like so many families are unable or unwilling to accept the responsibility of not only caring for children physically but also training/teaching/caring for them emotionally and being present with them. So many don't feel like they can, even if they want to. It's a hard world for families, and we have to really work at it if we want our families to be successful, because it isn't automatic anymore (not that it ever really was).

Also, I see so many women (like the ones who follow babycenter for everything, for example) who no longer trust their intuition and don't know how to look within or upward for answers. Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor, and every family is different. I have found that when I listen to my own heart rather than the "experts", I find better answers for my own family and my parenting works better. But that takes practice, and it seems like it so often isn't even thought of anymore.

My personal most difficult issue with parenting is simply not knowing what I am doing and having to do it anyway. I feel like there have been so many changes in society and technology and KIDS themselves that what worked for my family growing up isn't the right answer for my own family now, so I feel like I'm largely starting from scratch. I don't know how to juggle the responsibilities of parenting/homemaking with the things I want to be doing with my kids, because I never saw it done. So I muddle, and never feel like I'm fully getting it right. One thing I realized a while ago though was that the best way to be a good parent is not to be a bad one. Families function and kids turn out fine under lots of different extenuating circumstances, and no parents/families are perfect, but if we do our best and keep trying and aren't abusive or negligent, our kids will be okay. They're more resilient than we give them credit for, and we are generally better parents than we give ourselves credit for too.
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Old 06-20-2018, 08:01 PM   #13
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

The biggest problem with today's parenting is...
Me
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to do my best, trying to use my intuition, but I feel like I'm failing on a daily basis. I just found out my baby is stalling in weight gain because my supply is too low. I feel like I'm failing her. Meanwhile my son has issues with behavior and listening and seems to be behind in some areas. I'm trying to overcome these issues but I don't even know what direction to go in. I have a short fuse and I'm too impatient, and those things just don't help.

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.. you can't trust anyone anymore so even though it still probably should "take a village" to raise children we instead have to parent in a silo.
Yes! I'm naturally trusting. But I've been burned in some situations. Meanwhile the friends I do have seem so unwilling to do anything social. But everyone's busy, so I get that.

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My personal most difficult issue with parenting is simply not knowing what I am doing and having to do it anyway. I feel like there have been so many changes in society and technology and KIDS themselves that what worked for my family growing up isn't the right answer for my own family now, so I feel like I'm largely starting from scratch. I don't know how to juggle the responsibilities of parenting/homemaking with the things I want to be doing with my kids, because I never saw it done. So I muddle, and never feel like I'm fully getting it right. One thing I realized a while ago though was that the best way to be a good parent is not to be a bad one. Families function and kids turn out fine under lots of different extenuating circumstances, and no parents/families are perfect, but if we do our best and keep trying and aren't abusive or negligent, our kids will be okay. They're more resilient than we give them credit for, and we are generally better parents than we give ourselves credit for too.
Yes! Sometimes I feel sad and guilty that my kids are stuck with me. But I am trying. There are many kids in much worse situations, so at least I'm providing them a safe home.
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:02 AM   #14
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elchorrito View Post
Of course there are many problems, but there are general "themes" or trends in parenting that go along with the times. Today, these trends are set by babycenter "experts" and possibly other experts such as our pediatricians. Examples: my friend gives her son timeouts of 1 minute per year old that he is, because that's "all he can handle". I can guarantee you my mom would not have made me sit in a chair for 4 minutes after I threw my food on the floor and expected to have accomplished teaching me a lesson. That wasn't the trend in the 80s, but it is the trend now. I also just read an article on babycenter that says my child is too young to sit quietly in a church service. The article suggested that DH and I take turns staying out with him - one if us attends the first half of church and the other attends the second half. Again, not what my parents would have done, and not what DH and I do. DS knows very well how to properly behave in church, and we have incredibly long services.

Every well-child checkup we get a new printout of what your child should be doing at this age and what your child can and can't handle yet. They are complete jokes. If I limited DS to what the doctor says he is able to do and what she says he can handle at this point, I feel like I would have a mess on my hands, and I would be severely limiting him.

So...I do think it's fair to say there are some problems with the current trends in parenting, or in "today's parents". Honestly, I have many friends who basically do whatever babycenter tells them to do with each issue that comes up.
But I feel like trusting babycenter/the doctor/whoever is a problem with parenting. Going with the trends or peer pressure or whatever because it's popular, not trusting yourself, not taking responsibility for your parenting, that's a huge problem IMO.

It's interesting, one of the people in our discussion was talking about how he couldn't teach his children to be respectful because they went to school all day and the school didn't do it. It's not the school's job to raise your children. Or the doctor, or a web forum. It's yours. And I just don't feel like a lot of people want to put in the time and effort. It seems like many parents look for the 'easy' way--stick the child in front of the TV, video games, enroll them in as many things as possible so they don't have to deal with them, etc. I know several divorced parents who really look forward to the weekends their child spends with their ex because it's like a vacation for the parents. Should they? IDK. It kind of bothers me. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with some TV or enrolling your kid in something you feel like would benefit them, or even looking forward to a few days away. But when that's all you're going for, I think that creates a huge problem for parenting. I guess I just feel like a lot of people treat their children as a hassle instead of a blessing, and it isn't meant to be that way. It's like the best a lot of people hope for is to just manage their kids--they don't seem to aim to teach/train, let alone expect to succeed.

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Originally Posted by tallanvor View Post
I feel like a lot of this is tied to the idea of not accepting responsibility, as well as the children have the authority, not the adults. I'm not sure when this started, but it's definitely a trickle down affect from a generation or two ago.

I suspect that when divorce became more common, more moms were out of the house working, and fewer homes had 2 parents many things started to slide. I feel like a lot of this was due to people falling out of church. What it really boils down to, though, is people don't want anyone in authority over them, especially God.
I do think broken families make a lot of barriers to parenting that wouldn't normally be there. And I agree whole heartily with the authority statement.



To the ones struggling with thinking they aren't good enough, I'm pretty sure that is a great sign that you care, that you are trying, and that you are doing better than you think. Kids don't need perfect parents, just ones that show up everyday and do the best they can.
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:48 AM   #15
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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The biggest problem with today's parenting is...
Me
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to do my best, trying to use my intuition, but I feel like I'm failing on a daily basis. I just found out my baby is stalling in weight gain because my supply is too low. I feel like I'm failing her. Meanwhile my son has issues with behavior and listening and seems to be behind in some areas. I'm trying to overcome these issues but I don't even know what direction to go in. I have a short fuse and I'm too impatient, and those things just don't help.
I'm going through this right now too. I'm impatient with my kids and since they a bit older than yours seem to be I try to avoid playing with them, being with them when I can -- but then I feel guilty. I really wish I could stop being a parent just for a few weeks, I really could use a break.

We/I nag my oldest about some of his bad habits and I really think its going to be more hurtful in the end, so I'm trying to stop - he does need to fix a few things but nagging isn't the answer. I often feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes all we can do is try our best and keep plugging away -- and try to find some *me* time so we don't explode.
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Old 06-21-2018, 07:01 AM   #16
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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But I feel like trusting babycenter/the doctor/whoever is a problem with parenting. Going with the trends or peer pressure or whatever because it's popular, not trusting yourself, not taking responsibility for your parenting, that's a huge problem IMO.
THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS.

Nothing irritates me more then when my friend says to me "well they say..." WHO IS "THEY" AND WHY DO YOU TRUST THEM MORE THAN YOUR OWN GUT?! I know more people then just her do it but I talk to her on a daily basis so I hear it often.

It makes me crazy! She googles or facebooks every little thing about her kid/pregnancy/nursing and just goes with it. I dont think arming yourself with different opinions or info is wrong but at the end of the day YOU need to make choices for your family not "they".
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Old 06-21-2018, 07:09 AM   #17
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

I see the "friend parent" in my own life... DH. He means well but I think he feels guilty that he works so much so his way of making up for it is being the one to let them lounge around and watch TV, stay up passed their bed times, let them have too many cookies, etc. Do not get me wrong, DH is an excellent Dad and we have had many a discussion about this and he has worked on it a ton through the years.

I think a lot of parents are "friend parents" and dont even realize it. I have a friend that has adult children that take her for granted and walk all over her and use her because they know she will do whatever to please them. But in a round about way thats how they were raised because their mom was a friend and not a mom.
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Old 06-21-2018, 01:07 PM   #18
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

I am baffled by the parents that try so hard to be a friend. I mean, you can have a great relationship with your kids, and be their friend while being the parent. My oldest is 17 and she'll tell you that I am her best friend. However, she also recognizes that I still have authority over her as a parent.
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Old 06-21-2018, 01:39 PM   #19
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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I am baffled by the parents that try so hard to be a friend. I mean, you can have a great relationship with your kids, and be their friend while being the parent. My oldest is 17 and she'll tell you that I am her best friend. However, she also recognizes that I still have authority over her as a parent.
For DH, a lot of it comes from thinking he owes DS1 something. DS1s bio mom was very absent and in and out of jail and on and off of drugs etc. She seems to have her life together now but there were many years she let him down. This also led to DH working all the time as a single dad and DS1 spending time with my MIL and family friends which in a round a bout way made DH a bit absent out of necessity. So DH has this mind set that he will do anything to please DS1 because he needs to make up for all his bio moms mistakes etc. He has worked on it a lot and is a completely different parent then he was the day I met him.

Like I said before, I honestly think some people fall into the friend parenting style withoit really realizing it unless someone brings it to their attention.
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Old 06-21-2018, 02:23 PM   #20
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Re: The biggest problem with today's parenting is....

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For DH, a lot of it comes from thinking he owes DS1 something. DS1s bio mom was very absent and in and out of jail and on and off of drugs etc. She seems to have her life together now but there were many years she let him down. This also led to DH working all the time as a single dad and DS1 spending time with my MIL and family friends which in a round a bout way made DH a bit absent out of necessity. So DH has this mind set that he will do anything to please DS1 because he needs to make up for all his bio moms mistakes etc. He has worked on it a lot and is a completely different parent then he was the day I met him.

Like I said before, I honestly think some people fall into the friend parenting style withoit really realizing it unless someone brings it to their attention.
Very possible. I know I fall into things without realizing it until someone points it out. Very easy to do.
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