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Old 07-13-2010, 04:33 PM   #1
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What do you do when Time-Out fails?

We have a very (and I mean uber) strong willed little boy on our hands. We have tried everything (even things I swore I would never try) at this point to get him to stop screaming, pinching and hitting. Time out only works to get him to sit but he will sit there and scream, ear piercing, louder than the fighter jets, screaming that I believe has started to deafen me. And as you're carrying him TO time-out (if he hasn't gone under his own willpower when asked/told) he pinches our arms so hard that if we don't make sure his nails are trimmed he would probably draw blood.

When he's finally quieted down (sometimes he doesn't even after 10 minutes and then we need to intervene) we sit and tell him why he was in trouble, ask if he understands and if he's ready to get up and stop doing X,Y,Z. Nodding and an affirmative response follows and hugs are given and received.

But then he'll do it all over again.

He's not talking (but he's currently in Early Intervention for that, and there's nothing "wrong" with him, he's just stubborn) and we do feel that's part of the problem. He'll just scream at the top of his lungs instead of telling us what's wrong or what he wants.

Please tell me someone else has gone through this and that it either gets better or there's a solution I haven't read/thought of? Thanks!

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Old 07-13-2010, 04:35 PM   #2
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

Our son did that in time-outs. We also learned time-outs weren't effective for him. We would just ignore the screaming, or add time if he kept it up. Now we take away toys or spank. It's all that seems to work.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:44 PM   #3
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

What is he getting sent to time out for?
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:48 PM   #4
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

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What is he getting sent to time out for?
Screaming (as a response to anything he doesn't like), hitting and pinching. Basically, unacceptable behavior.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:51 PM   #5
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

Try sending him to his room for quiet time. We had to start doing that to our 3 yr old (who btw turned 3 the same day your little man turned 2!) That was a real wake up call to my son! little boys testing their mommy and daddy is never any fun!
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:53 PM   #6
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

I use UP techniques like natural consequences & learning based correction.
Since I do home daycare, we are limited to what discipline we can use, no matter what the child's temprament or age.
I found UP stuff works best for us, I rarely give TOs. And I care for 5 toddlers!

Here's some links:
http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/...d.php?t=933337

http://hubpages.com/hub/10-Principle...onal-Parenting

The best part about doing this style is it's so easy & natural. It makes sense to kids so much that they teach it to each other & use it themselves in daily life. Nobody yells, nobody gets hurt, nobody feels violated, nobody feels badly, everybody feels empowered and valued for their feelings & opinions.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:36 PM   #7
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

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Originally Posted by monkeysmom615 View Post
Screaming (as a response to anything he doesn't like), hitting and pinching. Basically, unacceptable behavior.
Like the pp, we use natural consequences and not punishments. Using the behavior that you use time out for here's what I would do.

Screaming --- tell dd that screaming is only allowed outside, when we're in quiet inside places, we use quiet inside voices. If she were to continue screaming then we would go outside until she was ready to use her inside voice.

Hitting/pinching ---- tell dd that hitting hurts mommy and tell her she must stop. I do not ask her to stop because she can't refuse me on this. If she is on my lap or next to me then I move to a different location that's too far away from her to hit me.

You also said he doesn't speak much, have you tried signing with him? www.aslpro.com is a great site with a video dictionary. Signs like eat, milk, go, all done, sleepy, happy, angry and scared would give him the ability to express himself without resorting to screaming.

Also, we give dd two or more acceptable choices whenever possible. At bedtime we let her pick pj's, decide what order to do bedtimes things in, stuff like that.

We actually had an incident while I was typing this. DD and I are lying in bed while she watches tv and I surf. She was getting antsy and putting her feet on my and hurting me. I told her to stop and told her she hurt me. She did not stop. I told her again that if kept her feet on me then I was leaving the room. She kept her feet on me. I left the room. DH said that dd had to keep her feet to herself and say sorry to mama and she refused. DH gave a choice, apologize to mama, keep feet to self or go to her room to lie down. She chose her room. After a few tears she came back in to our bed and said sorry and is keeping her feet to herself.

One more thing in my novel here...we always try to phrase things positively. Instead of saying, "no kicking" we say, "keep your feet to yourself". Telling her what I want her instead of what I don't want her to do makes a huge difference.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:56 PM   #8
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

Try positive reinforcement instead. Try rewarding his behavior when he's not screaming - a sticker chart, or marble jar something like that. Well, that said - pick ONE behavior and try working on that.

With my (now 8 year old) we had to use a booster seat to get him to sit in time out - because they would never work if we couldn't disengage. So we'd put him in the booster seat set the timer, by the time the timer went off, he'd be calm. We couldn't put him in his bedroom when he was little - we had enough bedtime issues, that I didn't want a negative connection to time outs there, too. Also, he'd destroy his room during time outs. Now, at 8, we put him in his room to calm down, and that works.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:15 PM   #9
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

I like most if not all of the UP ideas and have to say, it works way better with young children than traditional forms of discipline. My main one is prevention. When kids are feed healthy meals, well rested, on a daily routine and engaged throughout the day, there are very few issues. I do home daycare too and this works for me. We have a cry corner (not timeouts) where kids can be upset but they can come out whenever they are ready provided they are no longer doing the undesirable behavior. Sometimes it takes a second literally and sometimes a minute or two. Definitely research this since what you are doing is obviously not working. good luck mama.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:18 PM   #10
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Re: What do you do when Time-Out fails?

Thanks for all the advice so far. I'll have DH look at all this tonight when he gets home from work and we'll talk about it.

We have done signing with him but that's actually part of the problem. He signs "More" for everything without learning any of the others...and it's actually inhibiting his speech. I just wish I had a more "chill" child.
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