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Old 10-27-2010, 09:30 AM   #1
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Unhappy Feeling Really Unappreciated

DH is always in a bad mood in the morning. He is usually still asleep when I leave for work, but when I have to wake him up he is always in a rotten mood. Not because I woke him up, but for no apparent reason. He just isn't a morning person. Well, this morning I had to wake him up to ask him where his car key was since his car was blocking mine and I needed to move it. And so starts the crummy mood. I say to him "Why do you always have to be in such a bad mood in the morning?". His response, "How would you know if I'm in a bad mood? You just take off and leave me to do all the work". That comment completely crushed me. I don't enjoy being away from my child 50 hours a week so that we can have food on the table. I don't enjoy watching my child choose her father over me all the time because he is the one who is there with her all the time while I have to leave. I don't enjoy having to ask him how her day went and what new thing she did that day because I wasn't there to see it. I do this for them. I do this in hopes that we can have a good life. I do this because I'm the one who can make enough to support us and still have one parent at home. I love my job, but I would switch places with him in a heartbeat.

It is hard enough commuting, working all day, and only having 3 hours a day with my daughter by the time I get home. I try to remember that I'm doing this for her and so that she can have her dad stay at home with her, which is what he claims to want. But now I feel like the two people I work so hard for don't even appreciate what I do. I feel like the wind is knocked out of my sails. The pep talk I give myself about my family being thankful for me providing isn't really working anymore. Comments like those make me feel like he isn't thankful at all, just resentful. I feel like my daughter doesn't even like me because she gets so little time with me and now I feel like on top of that my DH is making it sound like I ditch them to go party for 10 hours a day. I just feel like complete crap now. I just wonder why the heck I'm even working if no one appreciates it. But I can't leave because DH can't get a job that makes enough to support us. Sorry for the rant. Perhaps I'm just hormonal. I'm having a heck of a time sitting at work when I feel like I'm sacrificing another 10 hours with my DD by being here at work, and my DH couldn't care less about how hard it is on me.

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Old 10-27-2010, 09:40 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

You guys probably need to sit down some night and talk about it. It sounds like he thinks you aren't contributing to the family. or maybe he was just sleepy and upset that he had to get up. I'm sorry.
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Old 10-27-2010, 09:47 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Does he get much time away from the two of you? A boy's night once a month or something? I know that as a SAHM, I start to get really grumpy if I don't get some time to myself- just a few hours, once a month, out with a girlfriend or something. Not errands, or anything like that, but time JUST for me. I know I used to tell my hubby "your commute is your me time." Not fair, I know, but remember that it's hard to be in his position, too.
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:23 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

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Originally Posted by wlillie View Post
You guys probably need to sit down some night and talk about it. It sounds like he thinks you aren't contributing to the family. or maybe he was just sleepy and upset that he had to get up. I'm sorry.
It definitely feels weird since the second I get home and try to offer to help with dinner or whatever, he always tells me to just play with DD because I don't get to. Mind you I make her something to eat, bathe her, get her ready for bed, and lay her down for the night in those 3 hours, so I'm doing something. I also do diaper laundry, fold clothes, do dishes, whatever. I guess I'm really confused because he does make it sound like I don't do anything at home, but I do and usually he is telling me that I should just enjoy my time with DD instead of helping.

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Does he get much time away from the two of you? A boy's night once a month or something? I know that as a SAHM, I start to get really grumpy if I don't get some time to myself- just a few hours, once a month, out with a girlfriend or something. Not errands, or anything like that, but time JUST for me. I know I used to tell my hubby "your commute is your me time." Not fair, I know, but remember that it's hard to be in his position, too.
He does. The second I get home, he leaves for a half hour or more to go get a coffee or just go for a drive. I do the grocery shopping, so I will often take DD once I get home and go grocery shopping so he can have time by himself. And on the weekends he gets a few hours (or more if he wants) each day to just go somewhere else or do something else. And I'm in bed a couple hours after I lay DD down, so he has the rest of the evening to do whatever he wants. Granted these are small bits of time, but I always offer to buy tickets to concerts that he likes when they come to our city, or encourage him to go hang out with his brother, or things like that. He always turns me down. I try to give him lots of opportunities. I just don't know what more I can do.
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:55 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Well, speaking from the perspective of not being a morning person myself... I can see why he said that. No, it doesn't make it right, nor less hurtful to you, but I have snapped at my DH a few times in the mornings, and not really meant it.

I wake up hard, I feel groggy, and stiff, and all I want is a few hours of silence and a whole lot of coffee to get woke up. I don't get it now that I have a toddler, having to wake up, get up, go change her, brew the coffee, feed her breakfast, etc all before my brain kicks in fully is very hard. If DH woke me early, and asked me for something, it takes real mental effort to focus and understand what he wants and give him the answer. As I am already grumpy from being woken too soon, I probably snap or growl out the answer, somehow hoping to satisfy him so he would go away and let me sleep just a bit longer. Any comment at that time on the tone of my voice, or being short, or on my mood would totally piss me off.

All I would be thinking is I don't want to be up yet, where the hell is my coffee and why the hell are you bugging me about stupid things right now (and anything other than here's your coffee is stupid at that time lol)? So yes, I would probably snap off something rude.

I am a SAHM, and DH goes to work every day so I can stay home. While I am crawling out of bed and stumbling to the coffee pot, and knowing I have diapers to change, the house to clean, and a hundred other things that all need done, I admit I get jealous that he gets to leave and not deal with DD dumping her cereal all over the floor, or the stinky diapers, or the tantrums and the whining and the clinging and the fussing. But then I get my coffee, and DD has been fed, and we are cuddled on the couch for our morning I love him even more for working so hard so I can be home with her, and wish somehow he could share the time too.

So I guess my point is try not to take it personally, he was woken early, he isn't a morning person, and I would say that the behavior you say he has when you come home would be more true to what he really feels.
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Old 10-27-2010, 01:10 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated



i get this from DH a lot, which is nuts since we BOTH work and i do the lions share at home. he's home more than me, however, because i work farther away and have activities, plus i go out more often. and i have a messy desk/bedroom area, because i clean public/shared spaces first (we have a sitter that comes to our house). he doesn't understand why i complain about being the only one who washes the table and sweeps the floors when my desk is a disaster zone.

talking does help a lot. of course, so does bailing. not in the permanent sense, but when i'm feeling under-appreciated and picked-on because he says i don't "do anything," i leave. i get angry easily and it's not worth fighting over, because I know what i get accomplished (or not) every day. not being there when I normally am to pick up slack makes a difference. It's like "day without immigrants" or something. really helps get my point across when words don't.
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Old 10-27-2010, 01:13 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

PS pregnancy hormones are a b*tch. it's OK to mope and feel sorry for ourselves! i'm SURE he really does appreciate you and it came out badly, and that your DD loves you to death. he may just need a gentle (or not-so-gentle) reminder.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:03 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Ditto to everything that PP said. Being a SAHD is a lot more difficult than being a SAHM -moms usually can go find other supportive SAHM (mother's group etc), less so for SAHD. There's also the ego thing; prehaps he secretly wants to be the breadwinner and feels that he is less of a man because you are the one with the better paying gig. There is society's views and prejudices that SAHD have to deal with. How many Daddy and Me play date do you know of? Women in geneal are also much more willing to ask for help (or direction). I think he needs a SAHD support system - try to find him something online, a space where other SAHD understands what he is dealing with.
I am certain DD loves you. Afterall you are her one and only mom - nothing will change that. All children need their mommy - WOHM or SAHM - mommy is mommy.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:37 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

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It definitely feels weird since the second I get home and try to offer to help with dinner or whatever, he always tells me to just play with DD because I don't get to.
I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to that. When I have been home with the kids all day (I'm on maternity leave right now) all I want from DH when he gets home is to TAKE THE KIDS! Please, play with them. I would SO much rather cook dinner for everybody than spend another hour playing with the kids while he cooks.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:57 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Maybe he is feeling the exact way you are, underappreciated and overworked. I just noticed you in another thread say that you two have never been apart from your daughter for a date, etc. so maybe it is time to figure out a way to spend time just the two of you and reconnect. I know babysitters and that kind of thing get really tricky and can be scary but at some point, you both need time together instead of it just being family or alone time. It would give you both a chance to feel like you are being heard, attended to, feel special as a person and not just a parent/provider. Just something to think about.
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