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Old 03-27-2011, 11:34 PM   #1
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Unhappy DH changing birth plan

So today I am talking to DH about touring the natural birth center where I plan on birthing. It was just completed December 2010 and is a very nice homey rooms with private guest areas, queen sized beds, oversized jacuzzi tubs, and apparently large flat screen TVs. Very snazzy. It is a med free zone so if you changed your mind and wanted an epi or anything they would transfer you to labor and delivery.

I am pretty excited about birthing there and am totally gung-ho about no meds at all. I was telling DH about how I am already feeling zen about the whole thing, I know there will be pain but I am confident I can handle it. And how excited I am to try a water birth or at least water labor. His response is "I dont know about that". I ask him if he thinks I wont be able to handle the pain and he says he doesnt think he can watch me birth at all.

He IS hyper sensitive to my pain, with our first son he was woozy and sick during my bad contractions and when I was given an epi he fainted. He says he is not the same person he was seven years ago when our first son was born. Up until today we had been planning a natural water birth and how he wanted to hold me in the tub and catch the baby and everything. Now I feel like my dream birth is being taken away from me.

I dont want to force him into anything that will make him uncomfortable but at the same time I had such clear picture of how things were going to go. He thinks he 'might' be able to be with me if I get meds but even that is tentative. I still have a few weeks and I know things 'could' change even last min but with DH that is not usually the case. It was supposed to be me, DS, DH and midwife. If DH isnt there neither can DS. I am super bummed and don't know how to react.

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Old 03-27-2011, 11:54 PM   #2
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Re: DH changing birth plan

I'd be pretty bummed too mama I don't mean any personal offense to you (or anyone reading) but I have a hard time having sympathy for guys who get more worked up emotionally or physically during labor than their partners who are actually doing all the work. Man up and give your wife/girlfriend/baby's mother the support she NEEDS.

Anyway, can your midwife just serve the purpose your DH was supposed to so that you can still birth in the manner you were planning? If this is what you're set on and you truly believe that you can do this, I wouldn't let your partner's hesitation interrupt your plans. This is your deal, not his, so long as baby is safe.
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:16 AM   #3
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Re: DH changing birth plan

I can understand your being upset Mama. If DH wants to be there for the birth of his child though, it should not matter if that is in the natural birthing center or the regular hospital. You have to go through labor one way or another, there will be pain/discomfort either way. I don't want to sound insensitive, but if he was my DH, I would tell him to suck it up if he wants to be there for the birth. If he can't handle it, find a friend/ or family member for labor support or hire a doula. You need to feel comfortable with your choice and ultimately, it is your decision.
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:37 AM   #4
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Re: DH changing birth plan

Im SS you have to deal with this. I have no advice, as I have simple planned C-sections and dont get to choose much other than what fun socks I wear into the OR LOL I think its really sweet that he cares so much about you that he is so overly concerned about your discomfort, though. It cant be easy for the dudes either, yanno? I hope you can find a peaceful place to coexist with the plans.
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Old 03-28-2011, 10:56 AM   #5
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Re: DH changing birth plan

This is such a tough situation and something I can really sympathize with! I've already compromised some of my birth plans to make DH more comfortable and it's not all sitting well with me. We started working on the birth plan a bit too and, while there's some things in there he's not overly comfortable with, I've compromised enough and it's really between me and my OB what we can and can't do at this point. DH is really going to have to suck it up and deal with it from here on out. We're in the hospital because that's where he feels more comfortable so everything beyond that is my call.

If your heart is set on the birth center with the midwife, do it. I think you need to ask yourself how comfortable you are giving birth WITHOUT your DH there, if it really comes to that. If that's something you can be comfortable with and have it be just you and the midwife, stick with your plans. For me personally, I need my DH there so having him fully on board was important, which is why I compromised on our birth location and care provider. However, if having him there meant that I had to be on meds for him to be comfortable, I'd tell him to go home and I'd call him when I was done. I think it's a little silly that your DH is requiring you to be medicated for him to be comfortable, when he passed out when you got the epi last time.

I'm sorry you're in this position, mama! I wish there was an easy answer for this but unfortunately, there's not. You really have to do some soul searching and figure out where your limits are and what you're comfortable with and where your DH could fit into that and go from there. Good luck with everything and I hope you and DH can figure something out!
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:17 AM   #6
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Re: DH changing birth plan

How about getting a doula to be your support person? Let DH off the hook, tell him he can be in or out of the room... whatever he wants. If you have no expectations of him during labor and birth, he can't disappoint you. This way the pressure is off (which might even help him). Accepting him this way could be a very loving, just as he should accept that you need to birth in the way that feels right to you. He can support you in other ways before and after the baby is born.

What is funny is that there was a lot more screaming, fear, and pain in my medicated birth than in my completely drug free one.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Not being on the same page as your DH is such a crappy feeling. I hope you still use that birth center, it sounds like a dream come true!

ETA: just realized that I crashed your ddc, oopsie!
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:28 PM   #7
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Re: DH changing birth plan

agree that you should see about getting a doula. i'm homebirthing, but it's still up in the air if DH will be there or not - he has some trust issues and may start to freak out, which will in turn freak me out - and i can't have him there if that happens. But i'll have my MW, her birth assistant, and my friend/doula, so I know I won't be on my own if DH has to leave. Good luck mama!
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:04 PM   #8
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Re: DH changing birth plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by chippybug10 View Post
I'd be pretty bummed too mama I don't mean any personal offense to you (or anyone reading) but I have a hard time having sympathy for guys who get more worked up emotionally or physically during labor than their partners who are actually doing all the work. Man up and give your wife/girlfriend/baby's mother the support she NEEDS.
I have to say I agree with completely. You are having this man's child and honestly, if you want to do an unmedicated birth in a center where you feel good, then he needs to support you. If he needs to go in and out or be able to leave, so be it. I highly recommend a doula regardless of how your SO handles labor. It is amazing to have another support person there with you. YOU are having this baby Mama, you should do it however you feel good doing it.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:25 PM   #9
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Re: DH changing birth plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by chippybug10 View Post
I'd be pretty bummed too mama I don't mean any personal offense to you (or anyone reading) but I have a hard time having sympathy for guys who get more worked up emotionally or physically during labor than their partners who are actually doing all the work. Man up and give your wife/girlfriend/baby's mother the support she NEEDS.
DDC...

My dad is a wuss when it comes to medical things - he thought the world was going to end when he had his cataracts done recently. Anyway, my mom knew this about him and didn't have in the room when she delivered my brother and later, me. Of course, it was the 70's so there wasn't the expectation that the father be present as they are today. Just some guys are not cut for that type of thing - it doesn't make them bad but you just have to optimally decide what is best for YOU.

I also agree with having a doula or a close friend that you can trust.
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Old 04-07-2011, 02:19 PM   #10
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Re: DH changing birth plan

Thanks for all your support ladies. I am going to go ahead with my original birth plan minus DH. I told him that he needs to at least be in the hospital/birth center somewhere so after I deliver he can come in and meet our LO. I am going to meet with some doulas this weekend, hopefully someone will click.
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