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Old 04-29-2011, 12:15 AM   #1
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Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

I read over and over and over that you shouldn't, but never do I see WHY. I tried to look online and I see some theories and the such, but never really any research or even much information on why you shouldn't. Does anyone have any good information/links?

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Old 04-29-2011, 01:53 AM   #2
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

There is a book entitled "The Birth Order Book" it doesn't so much talk about why you shouldn't but it talks about the birth order and I think he briefly touches on how adopting can disrupt it, but I don't think he says don't ever do it.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:20 AM   #3
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

I guess it really depends on the age of the kids. My 8yo would have her nose out of joint if she was suddenly not the oldest, KWIM? And when birthing kids, you don't ever birth out of 'birth' order so each child gets a notch higher on the pecking list when a new child joins the family. If your kids were older, and you adopted a child older than them, it could knock them down a notch and there might be issues.

This is just my 'personal' view. But we definitely want a child younger than our youngest.
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Old 04-29-2011, 03:00 PM   #4
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

I can't answer your question, but I can say that we are chosing to foster/adopt out of birth order. My son is 20 months old and we are hoping to get placed with kids who are 3-7 years old. We figure he won't really know the difference because he is currently an only child, so no matter what his world will be different. Right or wrong, its what we decided on.
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Old 04-29-2011, 03:08 PM   #5
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

We tried it and it didn't work - our bio kids were having a really hard time with it. At the time our kids were 2,4,6,8 and the foster/adopt kids were 2 and almost 5. Our kids felt displaced and the 4 year old foster was really bossy and used to being the oldest. She felt dethroned and had a really hard time with it. We had them 4 mos and decided it was too hard and they weren't "gel-ing" with our family so we disrupted since we were being pressured to make an adoptive committment. Just my from my experience - doesn't mean it would never work.
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Old 04-29-2011, 09:14 PM   #6
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

Well, in our situation, there are two girls in an orphanage we are looking at. One is one, being younger than my children, and one just turned 4, being a few months younger than my oldest, but older than my youngest. So.... the older of the two would keep the birth order in the way that my oldest is still my oldest and my youngest still my youngest, but not in the 'traditional' way. I'm not sure if at one point we will have to decide on one of the girls, or if somehow it will all just work out and only one will be available (we will only adopt one, we can only adopt one per India's rules), but so far I haven't felt really strongly that we shouldn't/couldn't take the older one. And for some odd reason, even when we thought she wasn't available any more (long story) the older one is the one Conner always says we are going to adopt :dontknow:. I guess I'm just trying to make sure I'm not missing something big, but because they are both younger kiddos and at or around my kid's ages, I'm just not seeing a big reason not to take either girl, if that makes sense.
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Old 04-29-2011, 09:24 PM   #7
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

Do what feels right for you and your family!
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Old 04-29-2011, 09:51 PM   #8
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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Originally Posted by pcjs View Post
Do what feels right for you and your family!
I haven't figured out what feels right yet, but I also know that it doesn't feel wrong . I'm a mess!
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Old 04-29-2011, 10:09 PM   #9
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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Do what feels right for you and your family!
I agree - if I were in your situation, I would adopt both. Your oldest will still be your oldest and your younger one doesn't really 'know' better anyway. Especially if it is a sibling group - I wouldn't worry about birth order with such young ages and you not displacing your oldest.
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Old 04-29-2011, 10:14 PM   #10
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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I haven't figured out what feels right yet, but I also know that it doesn't feel wrong . I'm a mess!
Then its probably not right and keep looking. We tried for 5 years and nothing felt right till we met our son's birthparents and held our son (we met lots of other people and even held a few kids who we were promise). All I can just say is you just know. I know it isn't very helpful but your heart, gut, soul will tell you when its meant to be and everything will fall in place when its meant to be.
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