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Old 04-29-2011, 11:35 PM   #11
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

I'm not an adoptive parent, but the experience of a friend of mine is that one reason could be for the safety of younger children. She adopted an older child when she had a young toddler in her home, and her older child had a lot of trouble adjusting and was, unfortunately, not always safe around her little one. Obviously, the same thing could happen in a bio family too, but in her case it was trauma from her older child's past that fueled the issue.
I think it might also be best for a child who is hurting to have a chance to be the "baby" and get more love and attention during that early period.
That said, I'm sure you will know what's right for your family, and I'm sure out of order adoptions go smoothly all the time too.

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Old 04-30-2011, 12:34 PM   #12
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

http://www.wehaveroom.blogspot.com/

This blog is written by a mom who has adopted sibling sets 2 different times and the birth order for the oldest was how do you say it replaced 2 different times.
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Old 04-30-2011, 03:32 PM   #13
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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I agree - if I were in your situation, I would adopt both. Your oldest will still be your oldest and your younger one doesn't really 'know' better anyway. Especially if it is a sibling group - I wouldn't worry about birth order with such young ages and you not displacing your oldest.
We can't. India only lets you take home one child at a time. They aren't siblings, but they both have spina bifida and are in the same orphanage.

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Then its probably not right and keep looking. We tried for 5 years and nothing felt right till we met our son's birthparents and held our son (we met lots of other people and even held a few kids who we were promise). All I can just say is you just know. I know it isn't very helpful but your heart, gut, soul will tell you when its meant to be and everything will fall in place when its meant to be.
That's not what I meant, I was just trying to say that people tell us we shouldn't adopt her because she is older, and I don't feel that way. We do know we want one of these girls, and we thought we had it figured out, but we were thrown-off when one that they told us found a family (that we had put in pre-adoption paperwork on) came back up for adoption because the family dropped out and their back-up family didn't qualify. Adopting one of the girls does feel right to us, we are just really torn on who to adopt, and they won't let us take both.
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Old 04-30-2011, 03:34 PM   #14
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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http://www.wehaveroom.blogspot.com/

This blog is written by a mom who has adopted sibling sets 2 different times and the birth order for the oldest was how do you say it replaced 2 different times.
Off to read
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Old 04-30-2011, 03:55 PM   #15
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

Ok, I'll just tell you guys the full story


A while back someone contacted me on my blog about a little girl with spina bifida in India that was needing a family that they were thinking of adopting. Her health wasn't too good (UTIs due to unclean caths, leading to kidney issues) and if she wasn't adopted within 30 days, she would be transfered and go unadoptable internationally. So.... they decided not to take her. We talked a lot, prayed, talked to other families with multiple kids with spina bifida (since my daughter has SB too) and David said we should just put in the pre-adoption application and see what happens. I agreed, but was trying not to push him so I knew he was in it, not just going along with it. Anyway... by the time all that happened two other families put in for her. We were sad because we really believed she was supposed to be in our family. They asked if we would take this other little girl (the younger one) since she also needed a home and also has spina bifida. They are in the same orphanage. Anyway... we said we needed time to think and we stepped back, turned in our homestudy information to at least start that, prayed about it, then decided yes, we would like to try and adopt her. We got photos of her, talked to the doctors about her, and started seeing her in our family, just like we did with the first little girl. We felt like she was meant to be part of our famiy and the first little girl had opened the door to the second child joining our family. After a few homestudies came and went I got an e-mail that the first little girl was back up for adoption because the first family dropped out and the second didn't qualify. They asked us what we wanted to do. I asked what the protocall was in this situation, and they said they hadn't encountered it and didn't know. So.... as of right now we are on for both girls, BUT we cannot take both girls because India will not let us. It's just not even an option, or we would seriously consider it. Now, though, we are having a hard time because we sent our hearts out to both little girls, if that makes sense. As of right now, we are just waiting to watch events unfold because we believe that we will know the right choice to make, or God will just make it for us. The problem is, though, that people keep e-mailing us or telling us what we should do, and they all say we should not get the older because we shouldn't adopt out of birth order. We don't feel this way, though, and started researching. We found a lot that had to do with your oldest having the responsibilities of the oldest, then taking those to give to the new oldest, etc... but those don't really pertain to us. Anyhow, long story short, we are just trying to cover all of our bases and make sure we've thought through everything as much as possible (though I know you really can't possibly because you never know what the kids have been through or how things will go) to prepare ourselves.


Ok, that's it, thanks for listening
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:26 PM   #16
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

I feel like either will be a good fit for your family.

My only thought...
If you adopted the older girl you could do networking and help find a home for the younger girl. I you chose the younger one would the older one still be able to find a family?
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:47 PM   #17
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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I feel like either will be a good fit for your family.

My only thought...
If you adopted the older girl you could do networking and help find a home for the younger girl. I you chose the younger one would the older one still be able to find a family?
Good point! Or maybe they would let us go back and adopt her??? Like spread it out a little? I need to ask . They are making it sound like we are the older girl's best chance at a family, so I'm not really sure on that part. That's a good question too!
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:32 PM   #18
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

Interesting situation! There is no way that I would adopt older than my oldest. But, if you adopt a kiddo between your current two, your youngest still gets to be the baby. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Your younger kiddo is the one with SB, right? So big brother is already used to the dynamics of having a higher needs sib, the medical stuff, etc. Both kiddos from India would be coming from orphanage care and have special needs. Who knows what level they are at developmentally. Honestly, I don't see birth order playing a huge role in the dynamics of your family. Sorry, that was no help!
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:31 PM   #19
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I say go for it. My aunt and uncle had 2 daughters ages 10 and 8 and they adopted a 15 year old boy from Bulgaria. Everyone seemed to adjust really well and we are all so happy he is a part of our (extended) family!

He's married now and they are expecting their first baby!
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:38 PM   #20
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Re: Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

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Originally Posted by Beth. View Post
Interesting situation! There is no way that I would adopt older than my oldest. But, if you adopt a kiddo between your current two, your youngest still gets to be the baby. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Your younger kiddo is the one with SB, right? So big brother is already used to the dynamics of having a higher needs sib, the medical stuff, etc. Both kiddos from India would be coming from orphanage care and have special needs. Who knows what level they are at developmentally. Honestly, I don't see birth order playing a huge role in the dynamics of your family. Sorry, that was no help!
Nope, that helps, because that's exactly how we feel, so it helps me know we aren't just crazy .


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I say go for it. My aunt and uncle had 2 daughters ages 10 and 8 and they adopted a 15 year old boy from Bulgaria. Everyone seemed to adjust really well and we are all so happy he is a part of our (extended) family!

He's married now and they are expecting their first baby!
That's awesome!!
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