Why shouldn't you adopt out of your birth order?

[sweetpea]

we have a 3 1/2 year old, almost 2 year old, and little one on the way this summer... we are praying about adopting twins from Africa who are 7 years old. i spoke with my friend, who just so happens to be the home study agent, and she said that as long as our family dynamics are ok with it and that we are ok with jumping ahead in the parenting roll then its totally fine. some agencies say no, which doesnt make sense to me as a blatant rule, i think it should be case by case, family by family. my oldest has never acted like the oldest and always does better when he is with older kids. it's not even a concern for me.
as far as which one, if you were made to choose between the girls, the older one is probably "less likely to be adopted" because she is older with special needs. but what about adopting her, then waiting the 6 months (isnt that how long most places make you wait before starting another adoption) and then adopting the younger one.
He is in control... praying for discernment, direction, and peace!

[jveprek]

Originally Posted by sweetpea we have a 3 1/2 year old, almost 2 year old, and little one on the way this summer... we are praying about adopting twins from Africa who are 7 years old. i spoke with my friend, who just so happens to be the home study agent, and she said that as long as our family dynamics are ok with it and that we are ok with jumping ahead in the parenting roll then its totally fine. some agencies say no, which doesnt make sense to me as a blatant rule, i think it should be case by case, family by family. my oldest has never acted like the oldest and always does better when he is with older kids. it's not even a concern for me. as far as which one, if you were made to choose between the girls, the older one is probably "less likely to be adopted" because she is older with special needs. but what about adopting her, then waiting the 6 months (isnt that how long most places make you wait before starting another adoption) and then adopting the younger one. He is in control... praying for discernment, direction, and peace!

Wow, that is awesome! How exciting! I'm going to ask the adoption counselor about that one, that's a good question. IDK if we could even find the money (it's 22,000 plus travel and private lawyer fees), but if they said yes, and David agreed, I'd try!

[Aleta]

Now that I know the 'whole' story - I think either child would be a good fit, but agree with PP that the older with special needs is going to be harder to find a family for. Will be praying for God's guidance for you!

[missionsmamma]

We adopted out of birth order. It was talked about a little bit but not very extensively with us. Our birth sons were 2.5 yrs old and 7 months old and our adopted are 9 and 4. We started out as foster to adopt and so maybe that is why they didn't really talk about it with us. I believe there was a mention but that is all I can really remember. Anyways, it has worked out beautifully for us. None of our children are affected. Our 2.5 yr old had an adjustment period but I think it helped that he got a close brother! They are now inseperable. I would say that the 4 yr probably has had the hardest time but he is fine now.

I hope everything works out for you!

[pcjs]

Originally Posted by jveprek Ok, I'll just tell you guys the full story A while back someone contacted me on my blog about a little girl with spina bifida in India that was needing a family that they were thinking of adopting. Her health wasn't too good (UTIs due to unclean caths, leading to kidney issues) and if she wasn't adopted within 30 days, she would be transfered and go unadoptable internationally. So.... they decided not to take her. We talked a lot, prayed, talked to other families with multiple kids with spina bifida (since my daughter has SB too) and David said we should just put in the pre-adoption application and see what happens. I agreed, but was trying not to push him so I knew he was in it, not just going along with it. Anyway... by the time all that happened two other families put in for her. We were sad because we really believed she was supposed to be in our family. They asked if we would take this other little girl (the younger one) since she also needed a home and also has spina bifida. They are in the same orphanage. Anyway... we said we needed time to think and we stepped back, turned in our homestudy information to at least start that, prayed about it, then decided yes, we would like to try and adopt her. We got photos of her, talked to the doctors about her, and started seeing her in our family, just like we did with the first little girl. We felt like she was meant to be part of our famiy and the first little girl had opened the door to the second child joining our family. After a few homestudies came and went I got an e-mail that the first little girl was back up for adoption because the first family dropped out and the second didn't qualify. They asked us what we wanted to do. I asked what the protocall was in this situation, and they said they hadn't encountered it and didn't know. So.... as of right now we are on for both girls, BUT we cannot take both girls because India will not let us. It's just not even an option, or we would seriously consider it. Now, though, we are having a hard time because we sent our hearts out to both little girls, if that makes sense. As of right now, we are just waiting to watch events unfold because we believe that we will know the right choice to make, or God will just make it for us. The problem is, though, that people keep e-mailing us or telling us what we should do, and they all say we should not get the older because we shouldn't adopt out of birth order. We don't feel this way, though, and started researching. We found a lot that had to do with your oldest having the responsibilities of the oldest, then taking those to give to the new oldest, etc... but those don't really pertain to us. Anyhow, long story short, we are just trying to cover all of our bases and make sure we've thought through everything as much as possible (though I know you really can't possibly because you never know what the kids have been through or how things will go) to prepare ourselves. Ok, that's it, thanks for listening

I think you should go for it. It is what you want and clearly right for your family. Now how you decide which child I don't know. I do know we faced that with our son and my gut told me to wait it out and go with him. We found an agency that had a baby in their care that we could just go get born and our son was a huge gamble as he was not born yet. Safe/expensive route was this child but something just didn't feel right with the agency and other stuff, so I held out and I'm glad I did. I think you just need to look at the girls needs & personalities and see which will fit in better with your family. It sucks you can't adopt both and its so hard making a choice but that's one of the hard parts about adoption. You don't have to "choose" a child or birth family or they choose you like in domestic or a biological child but its just the tuff part of some adoptions.

[jveprek]

Originally Posted by Aleta Now that I know the 'whole' story - I think either child would be a good fit, but agree with PP that the older with special needs is going to be harder to find a family for. Will be praying for God's guidance for you!

Thank you

Originally Posted by pcjs I think you should go for it. It is what you want and clearly right for your family. Now how you decide which child I don't know. I do know we faced that with our son and my gut told me to wait it out and go with him. We found an agency that had a baby in their care that we could just go get born and our son was a huge gamble as he was not born yet. Safe/expensive route was this child but something just didn't feel right with the agency and other stuff, so I held out and I'm glad I did. I think you just need to look at the girls needs & personalities and see which will fit in better with your family. It sucks you can't adopt both and its so hard making a choice but that's one of the hard parts about adoption. You don't have to "choose" a child or birth family or they choose you like in domestic or a biological child but its just the tuff part of some adoptions.

No, no, you don't get out that easy, you have to help me choose . Just teasing. You are right about looking at their needs and personalities. We just got to see video of both of them, so that was really cool.

Originally Posted by missionsmamma We adopted out of birth order. It was talked about a little bit but not very extensively with us. Our birth sons were 2.5 yrs old and 7 months old and our adopted are 9 and 4. We started out as foster to adopt and so maybe that is why they didn't really talk about it with us. I believe there was a mention but that is all I can really remember. Anyways, it has worked out beautifully for us. None of our children are affected. Our 2.5 yr old had an adjustment period but I think it helped that he got a close brother! They are now inseperable. I would say that the 4 yr probably has had the hardest time but he is fine now. I hope everything works out for you!

Thanks for sharing your story!

[pcjs]

Its really one hard things with adoption as adoption is a choice and the particular child is a choice vs. a bio. child who you just get what you get. But, that just makes that child all the more special. I'd also maybe take the videos if you have copies to your specialists & ped. who see your daughter if they are the same issues and get some opinions that way in regards to the medical needs. There are also some doctors that specialize in watching videos and helping families adopt. I can't tell you who but maybe another mom can since I just learned about it looking into international but we didn't go through with it - I wouldn't always go with who your agency recommends as there could be bias (but your doc's may do it to help you out). I know my specialists (i.e. neurologists are all dads) and when I have had concerns with his skull fracture/flat head they took a look and reassured me. They don't do kids and it wasn't anything official but it was nice for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinion since I had gotten a referral for him and took him but didn't like the doc.

[cowangel]

Also a blog from a mom who has adopted out of birth order and shares some of her struggles and experiences...
www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com

We are looking into adopting out of birth order too, so that's why I'm reading up on it myself. We are actually considering adopting a child through foster care (foster/adopt) that is older than our oldest. Not sure how this will work, but I feel God pulling us this way and I think that this process will be tough but will ultimately teach us all more about showing God's love through our family...

If I were you...since you asked I'd go for the older one first, if at all possible I'd then use the adoption tax credit to start the process for the 2nd when I got that if she were still available. Check with your agency, I don't think agencies such as Reese's Rainbow make you wait the entire 6 months to start the process to adopt again.

GL sounds like your heart is in the right place!

[jveprek]

Originally Posted by pcjs Its really one hard things with adoption as adoption is a choice and the particular child is a choice vs. a bio. child who you just get what you get. But, that just makes that child all the more special. I'd also maybe take the videos if you have copies to your specialists & ped. who see your daughter if they are the same issues and get some opinions that way in regards to the medical needs. There are also some doctors that specialize in watching videos and helping families adopt. I can't tell you who but maybe another mom can since I just learned about it looking into international but we didn't go through with it - I wouldn't always go with who your agency recommends as there could be bias (but your doc's may do it to help you out). I know my specialists (i.e. neurologists are all dads) and when I have had concerns with his skull fracture/flat head they took a look and reassured me. They don't do kids and it wasn't anything official but it was nice for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinion since I had gotten a referral for him and took him but didn't like the doc.

I hadn't thought of that! Great idea! I sent the doctors the medical records and got feedback on those, but the video tells a lot, IMO. Thanks for the tip!

Originally Posted by cowangel Also a blog from a mom who has adopted out of birth order and shares some of her struggles and experiences... www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com We are looking into adopting out of birth order too, so that's why I'm reading up on it myself. We are actually considering adopting a child through foster care (foster/adopt) that is older than our oldest. Not sure how this will work, but I feel God pulling us this way and I think that this process will be tough but will ultimately teach us all more about showing God's love through our family... If I were you...since you asked I'd go for the older one first, if at all possible I'd then use the adoption tax credit to start the process for the 2nd when I got that if she were still available. Check with your agency, I don't think agencies such as Reese's Rainbow make you wait the entire 6 months to start the process to adopt again. GL sounds like your heart is in the right place!

You are SO smart!! I'm going to e-mail Jo and ask (she's at Wacap)

[jveprek]

Well, we can't take both

You’re right that India doesn’t allow you to adopt two unrelated children. In theory, you could adopt one child after another, but it takes about two years to adopt a waiting child from India as we’ve discussed, and your first child has to be home for some time (about a year) before you can begin a second adoption, so you’d be looking at 4-5 years in between the adoptions. Hopefully the child would have found another family before then!