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Old 05-02-2011, 01:31 PM   #1
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Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

We are just now starting to think about foster care adoption, and I have a big question. Would you stay only within your own race for the sake of not losing family support? I think dh and I would be okay with fostering/adopting a child of any race, but we are very close to our family. We would want to have their total support and not have them treat our adopted child any differently that our bio children, but I don't think they would if our child was of any other race. This pains me to even have to ask, so please don't flame me! I hate to admit we both come from racist families. We both want to avoid passing any of this down to our children, but we also don't want us or our children to be shunned due to any issues, including race. WWYD?

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Old 05-02-2011, 01:35 PM   #2
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

I remember being faced with these questions when we were doing foster care. I remember my gmil asking me with our first placement if the kids were white. I was so offended. What does it matter? That's when I realized that to the rest of my family race does matter. So for the sake of family ties and the kids feeling included we decided to stick within our "race." We made the decision for the sake of the child comming into our home so they wouldn't feel unwanted. But to us, it really didn't matter the race.
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:37 PM   #3
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

we are looking into adoption right now, and honestly if my family didnt support/love my forever child(no matter where they were from) i wouldnt be around them. i dont know who God has out there for us but we will love any race and if either of our families dont respect that (which DH's family might not) then they obviously dont love us and dont need to be around our family.
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Old 05-02-2011, 02:16 PM   #4
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I have thought about this issue some. We are open to foster any children regardless or their race. As for adoption, the way they work here we would only adopt from another race if the child was already in our home as a foster placement, so we would already know how the child meshes with our family and not consider race at that point. I do feel really lucky though that our closest family members would love the children whatever their background.
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Old 05-02-2011, 02:28 PM   #5
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

First- you can't help who you fall in love with! And that includes the child

Had you told me and DH that when we started our venture in foster care that we would be adopting an African American baby, I would have told you NO WAY!

Honestly the thought never entered my head BUT when you have a child and you fall in love with them and they become adoptable and the thought of life without them- you reconsider everything.

My mom was really weird about it at first and admitted it to me. Now she is fine- but that was how she was raised - it was hard for her at first. Although a lot of what she does in general is strange and I think her excuse for "this is how I was raised" is a cop-out.
But that's another story.

I can also say that what a child is "on paper" and who they are in real life are so-so-so different.
We have had the opportunity to adopt other kids in our care who on paper were the ideal match for us- BUT since we had the honor of fostering them first and getting to know them and their personalities- it became quite clear that this perfect match was far from that.

Again - you can't decide who you fall in love with- it just happens. If it's meant to be then it will happen.
Do what is comfortable for you and forget everyone else.
You don't want to second guess yourself nor think of explaining to a child that although you love them and would adopt them, the family just would not understand nor accept them
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Old 05-02-2011, 03:19 PM   #6
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

The only way I would let it determine what race child I would adopt is if I already had children If the grandparents treat the same race child differently then it will create many issues - even if you cut ties with them. JMO
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Old 05-02-2011, 03:44 PM   #7
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

It can be done for fostering, but depending on your area, may really limit what you get. Sometimes race isn't even known until later. I will say I have some concerns about this with my inlaws, but it is not so much race with them (FIL in particular) but biology. I truly believe it won't matter with them in the end as love is love but it is concerning. Our family is fully prepared to take on whatever race is given to us. My parents are more than supportive though. Just the inlaws.
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Old 05-02-2011, 04:46 PM   #8
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

We foster/adopted our DD 2 years ago. When we were first told about her, she was said to be white, blonde hair, blue eyed. A perfect match to in our family. After we made the decision to take her, we found out she was mixed African Amer and Amer. It took us back for a min. We were concerned about what people (family, friends, strangers) might think or treat her b/c she looked so different. We quickly decided all that didn't matter. She was a child that needed a home, we had already decided we wanted her...it was OUR choice. We are very close to our families as well. I was really concerned about my grandpa and his racism. To my surprise we have all the support in the world from everyone! She has not been treated any different and I know she is loved by everyone Strangers do give us looks, we have been asked questions. I was paranoid for a few months, but you get used to it as time goes on. GL
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Old 05-02-2011, 06:10 PM   #9
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

We are a bi-racial family and I think of it this way. If you met and fell in love with someone who wasn't your race would you still marry them? It is the same with a child in my opinion. It definitely was out of the norm for my white-bread family, but they love my dh now and don't see his skin color.
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Old 05-02-2011, 07:23 PM   #10
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

The majority of our foster children have been of a different race. The only time it was an issue was when we had a FS who had RAD and would have major fits of rage at any given time. There were a few times in public that it was very uncomfortable trying to correct him. I felt like people where staring at me and thought that I had no business with this child. Not sure if it was a race issue or just a hard situation. It was an early placement and we almost quit fostering.

Anyway, when it came to our homestudy to adopt we listed that we would like to be placed with a child that at least shared 1/2 our race. We were matched with a biracial son to foster/adopt. I love that he is biracial he is absolutely beautiful and we want him to be proud of both races.

We will continue to foster any race of children and if one of these children ever become available to adopt we will prayerfully consider no matter what the childs race.

Both sides of our family have been more supportive than we ever dreamed when it comes to fostering outside our race. They seem to just see a child in need and have embraced them. We were very concerned about my DH family because there have been times that there reference to other races has made me cringe especially my FIL who is 80+ and grew up in the south. But when he holds my son there is no doubt of the love he has .... he will say what a fine boy ... and how we got such a good one and our little guy just loves his papa.
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