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Old 05-02-2011, 09:49 PM   #11
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

Dalynn~ So happy to hear your story and how your Southern FIL is with your baby boy! My husbands dad is also a Southern] man, and at times has said things that are what I consider to be racist and I would worry about how he would be... Though he has an older lady and he calls her his momma, and she is of color, so I am hoping he will be good and respectful if we get blessed with a biracial child. I have a few cousins who are mixed race and they are absolutely beautiful and I would be happy regardless.. and think the rest of the family will be fine. But it is nice to hear of others who you were maybe a bit worried about and the love that has blossomed! thanks for sharing!!

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Old 05-03-2011, 07:11 AM   #12
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

this is just my take, we arent adopting ATM, but its something we are considering in the future. we will happily accept a child of any race, it makes no difference to us, and if our family didnt support us or treated our child differently because of their race, those people would no longer be a part of our lives.
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Old 05-03-2011, 09:41 AM   #13
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

We are just starting out in the fostering arena and I have had similar concerns about some members of our extended family. Honestly, I've seen the extended family members have concerns about a new baby being born into the family so I guess we've just decided that's their personality...to be worriers. Some of my concerns have been deepened when considering fostering since we plan to be open to all races and some of our extended family does have racial opinions that differ from ours...I do believe that once the children enter our family through fostering/adoption our family members will see the child for who they are (like when a baby is born) vs. the racial stigma that they may believe. We will allow time for this to happen and if it doesn't then we will avoid them as much as we have to. We do have bio children so our foster/adopted children could one day be a different race...I think our family members have good hearts and will ultimately be able to see past race once they get to know the children and see them for who they are, not just what race they were born.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:13 AM   #14
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

How family may feel wouldn't stop me from adopting a child of another race. You may just find that your family does actually accept the child. I know people who seemed kinda racist, but when they ended up with a biracial grandchild, they loved the kid and treated them equally to their other grandkids who were white. BUT I'd also be ready to cut ties with family that did not accept the child or treat him or her equally. You must remember that it's always the child's feelings that must be protected, not yours, not grandpa's- the child's!
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:21 AM   #15
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

my husband has a cousin who was adopted as a newborn from Nicaragua and is black. his extended family treats her and her kids normally, and i forget sometimes when she talks about the kids hair lol and i'm like OHHHH! Duh! lol! her immediate family is a different story. her father adopted her with his first wife wife who couldn't have children. they divoreced and he remarried and they had 2 bio daughters who were treated very differently than the adopted daughter by the step-mom. who knows the reasons, but the bio daughters had much different outcomes than the adopted daughter. bio daughters have higher education, are married with great careers and one just had her first LO at 30ish? adopted daughter has 5 LOs from different fathers and is single and working in retail. i'm not judging. this is just what happened in this case.

now my dh is afraid that this might be a problem for an adopted child of ours, not due to our(his and mine) treatment, but of possibly our extended family and just society in general. i think it is a valid concern, but i would bust my butt to do whatever it takes to make that child feel in every way equal to our bio dd. i think that includes carefully choosing what/who that child is exposed to.i swear to god, one wrong word from my dad's bigoted mouth and they would be cut out. while i know that many experts agree that being in touch with their ethnicity/racial background is important, i also think it could become a divider too, kwim? so somehow a balance must be reached. i think this would be much easily accomplished through homeschooling, but wouldn't we all like to have our children live in a bubble where no bad gets in? the real world exists and we have to prepare them for that too.

that being said, we would not turn away a child of another race, we would welcome him or her! god knows what we need and what is best for that child, i'm willing to put it in his hands and do everything in my power to ensure that my child has an excellent outcome and becomes the best person he or she can be, bio and adoptive kids alike. we will meet all of our childrens needs regardless of the color of their skin.

also, anyone who doesn't like it can shove it. there are plenty of people in the world who would be supportive, so the rest can get bent. race is irrelevant, whats inside is what matters, and ALL of my children will be taught that.
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Old 05-03-2011, 12:39 PM   #16
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

This one's tough. I think saying race doesn't matter isn't necessarily true. It matters to lots of people. In good ways and in bad. Sometimes we also have to make sure we are adopting for the right reasons and not to make a point.

If you are fostering, I think that would be an amazing opportunity to see what works in your family. You might be surprised or you might find out that your gut was right. I think when it comes down to it you will know what to do in your heart. Good luck mama in whatever your choice is. Both have stigmas attached to them.
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Old 05-03-2011, 05:53 PM   #17
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

This is just *my* opinion... My sons are AA and I WOULD NOT have entered into a transracial adoption if I did not have the full support of DH's and my immediate families. I think to bring a child, who doesn't have a choice in the matter, into a hostile family environment is not the right thing to do. There are enough issues that interracial families, and transracial adoptees have to face...racism in one's own family shouldn't be one of them.

That said, I don't think that there's anything wrong with choosing to adopt within one's own race for these reasons. Just like there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to adopt a drug exposed child, or a child with special needs, or an older child or what have you, if you don't think your family can handle that. I think every family is different, and there is a child out there for every adoptive family. Sometimes, I think when people want to adopt they are so baby crazy that they don't think through issues like race, or they feel pressured into being more open to race or special needs than they might be comfortable. I had a friend who said, "well, you're adopting. You should just take whatever baby you can get."

Just my thoughts...
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:21 AM   #18
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

I would adopt a child of any race. Growing up in a city with 97% of people of the same race/ethnic group, it was clear that my mother in particular "had problems" with people of other races. But really it turned out it was unfamiliarity with them. Both my brother and I, moved away, married outside of our race/ethnic group and had children. Mom got over it and doesn't treat anyone any differently. She knows love when she sees it.
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:17 PM   #19
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2peanuts1pumpkin View Post
This is just *my* opinion... My sons are AA and I WOULD NOT have entered into a transracial adoption if I did not have the full support of DH's and my immediate families. I think to bring a child, who doesn't have a choice in the matter, into a hostile family environment is not the right thing to do. There are enough issues that interracial families, and transracial adoptees have to face...racism in one's own family shouldn't be one of them.

That said, I don't think that there's anything wrong with choosing to adopt within one's own race for these reasons. Just like there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to adopt a drug exposed child, or a child with special needs, or an older child or what have you, if you don't think your family can handle that. I think every family is different, and there is a child out there for every adoptive family. Sometimes, I think when people want to adopt they are so baby crazy that they don't think through issues like race, or they feel pressured into being more open to race or special needs than they might be comfortable. I had a friend who said, "well, you're adopting. You should just take whatever baby you can get."

Just my thoughts...
Very well said.

We adopted transracially, and like a pp stated, it was somewhat of a surprise. We were told baby was 100% CC/Hispanic. Few days later they said "well she LOOKS Hispanic"...whatever that means. Turns out she is 1/2 CC and 1/2 Hispanic on first mom's side and AA on first dad's side. We were in love, and that was that.

We knew our immediate family would be cool, no matter race. Turns out we were wrong. Nothing overt, but comments like "we'll you can't tell she's black". WTF???!!?

Those family members are now people I avoid. There were other complications int he relationship to begin with, but that sealed the deal for me.

You do what is best for YOUR family (meaning you, your partner and kids). Only you know what you can handle, and you can never control what other people thinks, say or feel.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:07 AM   #20
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Re: Just starting...adopting only your own race for family support?

I wouldn't adopt transracially if I didn't either have my family's support or the willingness to severely limit contact with those who were unsupportive in order to protect my children.

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