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Old 05-16-2011, 05:27 PM   #1
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AP'ing and how kids "respond"

Maybe this is a rant...

Just finished talking with my mom (not argument, just a discussion) about a kid that is a friend of a friend that apparently is having social issues (not sure who thinks there are issues, friends or parents) and since this kid is still nursing at 3 and co-sleeping they are saying that is why there are these "issues". His parents also do not use the word "no" often unless it is a dangerous situation. The issues are that he supposedly doesn't like to be away from mom for any extended period of time, lifts up mom's shirt in public to nurse, is "unruly" and is "too dependent" for a kid his age. All these comments are hard for me to digest.

So apparently the world (or just the US?!?!) thinks that nursing after 12 months is unnecessary and selfish to the mom and co-sleeping past the same time is developing a very needy child. And saying no is a requirement? What's up?

Do all of you that AP have "unruly" kids? what gives? Help me not spontaneously explode Is "unruly" really bad or are these people thinking that being a kid is now unruly?

I plan on nursing and co-sleeping for as long as it works for us (DS is only 10months) and I just get irritated at this outlook from others.

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Old 05-16-2011, 05:52 PM   #2
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

We practice AP, but that doesn't mean that my child doesn't have boundaries. A 3 year old child trying to lift up my shirt in public wouldn't fly - and not because I think that extended breastfeeding is weird or selfish. In my opinion, "unruly" can be a bad thing; there is a time and place for playing, but children also need to learn rules and manners. I think that allowing a child to dictate the rules to the parents will result in social issues.
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:57 PM   #3
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

For some reason people seem to think AP means no boundaries. With any parenting "style", you can go from one extreme to the next. I think people need to stop focusing on labels and focus on their individual families.
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:57 PM   #4
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

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Originally Posted by MarchMama2010 View Post
We practice AP, but that doesn't mean that my child doesn't have boundaries. A 3 year old child trying to lift up my shirt in public wouldn't fly - and not because I think that extended breastfeeding is weird or selfish. In my opinion, "unruly" can be a bad thing; there is a time and place for playing, but children also need to learn rules and manners. I think that allowing a child to dictate the rules to the parents will result in social issues.
This...

I think after about 2 we start enforcing more rules and boundaries. I can still be a AP parent while teaching my boys the boundaries in society.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:01 PM   #5
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

I am very attached to my almost 3 year old, but I need to say that I do say various forms of the word "no," including "we don't behave that way," and "if you are going to continue that behavior you can go do it in your room." She doesn't care to be in the company of strangers (although grandma, mama, daddy and aunt Kathy are fine) but she is not unruly.

I have taught her that nursings are done at home, not out and about.

I am a firm believer that ALL children require discipline, and co-sleeping and breastfeeding do not augment or impede it.

It does help to have "tools" like bf and co-sleeping that help soothe and comfort your baby though.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:02 PM   #6
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

I nursed DD until almost 2, she co-slept for just as long. I agree with another poster, that does not mean she lacks boundaries. I think of AP as a way of being in tune with my child and her needs. People often criticize what they do not understand. I think that there can be faults with any parenting style and you have to find what works best for your child and family.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:25 PM   #7
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

AP is NOT a set of certain behaviors that parents "do." It's an entire philosophy that basically means responding to your child's individual physical and emotional NEEDS. That doesn't exclude being able to set boundaries/discipline/punish. Just because someone co-sleeps and practices extended nursing doesn't mean that they are automatically applying AP concepts to their overall parenting. I've met some crib using, formula feeding parents who were far more attached and sensitive to their kids' needs than some parents who cosleep, babywear, etc. It's all a matter of how and why you apply the practices you do-not the actual practices themselves.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcpforever
AP is NOT a set of certain behaviors that parents "do." It's an entire philosophy that basically means responding to your child's individual physical and emotional NEEDS. That doesn't exclude being able to set boundaries/discipline/punish. Just because someone co-sleeps and practices extended nursing doesn't mean that they are automatically applying AP concepts to their overall parenting. I've met some crib using, formula feeding parents who were far more attached and sensitive to their kids' needs than some parents who cosleep, babywear, etc. It's all a matter of how and why you apply the practices you do-not the actual practices themselves.
Such a good point. Well said.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:30 PM   #9
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

Actually the kids I've met with severe separation anxiety and problems getting along w others (around 2 yo) don't nurse or cosleep. If crib sleeping and weaning were the solution to social ills, what a peaceful harmonious society we would have here in the US.

Try not to sweat it. Personally I'm with you - can't stand second-hand anecdotes like that meant to connect behavior with mothering. As if it were so simple: do X, get Y. People do get weird about physical intimacy as children (especially boys) grow out of the baby stage. whatever.

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I think people need to stop focusing on labels and focus on their individual families.
hallelujah!!!
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:39 PM   #10
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Re: AP'ing and how kids "respond"

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Originally Posted by iggyloo View Post
For some reason people seem to think AP means no boundaries. With any parenting "style", you can go from one extreme to the next. I think people need to stop focusing on labels and focus on their individual families.
Fabulous post!



My girls are all weaned now at 3, 6, and 10. My 3 year old co-sleeps with me probably 3-4 nights a week and at least one night a week my 6 year old co-sleeps. I encourage her to sleep in her own bed(mostly because a 3 year old, mommy, 6 year old, and a cat in a full-size bed is kinda tight) but I don't kick her out or tell her no if she wants to snuggle because I love snuggling her. They were all worn until about 3 as they tolerated and desired it. I try my darndest to discipline as gently as possible using natural consequences and allowing them the freedom to make their own choices within reason. They were all breastfed, the younger two nursed until their second birthdays. They are not "unruly" and they do have boundaries and limits and expectations placed upon them. Can they get wild? Sure, just like every other kid. But they are not out of control and bratty breaking things and jumping on furniture. They are polite respectful kids most of the time who try hard to please adults and be kind people. They LOOK a littlel quirky sometimes but they aren't unruly brats. I let them do things like dye their hair with semi-perm haircolor or get their ears pierced twice(my oldest when she was 7) or wear dress-up clothing and rainboots to the grocery store or a monkey halloween costume instead of a jacket out to the store since it's all fleece and weather appropriate. I let them splash in puddles and dance in the rain and make messes outside or in the kitchen. I dont' think that's the signs of unruly children. Do I let them dance NAKED in the rain? no. we have neighbors and it's inappropriate. They have limits, they just might be different limits than other people think are appropriate. I dont' care what other people think about how my kids look. I only care that my children grow up to be respectful kind and responsible people who have love for themselves and others and are a credit to my exhusband and myself.
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