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Old 06-12-2011, 04:05 AM   #1
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Question Possible Babysitting Crisis w/ MIL PLEASE HELP! Update post #30.

OK, I am in desperate need of some serious advice. SO and his family seem to have a habit or randomly springing "visits" on me. To our house. Now would be the time to politely state that his parents - mother, father, and step-mother - are all very weird. And I can't say that I like any of them, all for varying reasons.

OK, SO and I have not gone anywhere yet and left the baby with someone. Granted, I have run errands and left DD with SO or with a very trusted neighbor couple. They are grandparents to be, and I love them dearly. I am multiple plane rides away from my parents (PA to OK), so they are the closest I have to parental figures or helpers. I have only left DD for no more than 2-3 hours (usually way less than that!), enough time that I can nurse, head out the door, come home and nurse. I HATE pumping. BUT, SO and I have tickets to a Sade concert that is quite important to us (as in, we have spent hundreds to go to this together). It was his Valentine's gift to me. So, I have gone to some effort to pump for at least a bottle's worth. (I should mention, I have to pump multiple times to get about a 4 oz bottle.) We have NEVER even used a bottle on DD, but she's a happy baby, takes a binky well, so I'm not anticipating serious hang-ups if a bottle is needed. So, my friendly neighbors have been anticipating DD for weeks now, excited. (They have literally invited us over for family/friend events JUST to see DD. They really love her! )

So, last night SO decides to tell me that his mother is coming next weekend to babysit DD while we go to the concert instead of our neighbors. This is a problem. I DO NOT like MIL, and I DEFINITELY DO NOT TRUST HER with my DD. I have my own personal hang-ups with this family, and I really try to lay those aside because they are no less entitled to be a part of DD's life than my family, and I loooooove my family and trust them with DD. So, part of me feels like I'm being unfair.

This is why I do not trust her: She is emotionally unstable. Very. (And this is coming from someone who can admit to years of therapy, a psychological "disorder", etc.). She is a hoarder. Like with pathways in the house we cannot enter and rotten crap in the kitchen. She is unhealthy. (Let me clarify. She is not sick because she has some illness. She is morbidly obese because she eats fast food all.the.time [can't cook in that kitchen!] and has had to have multiple joints - knees or hips, I don't remember which- replaced. This also makes me nervous because she is physically unstable.) SO has admitted to her being VERY mean to him when he was a kid. So, all in all, I feel like her judgment in life in general has failed miserably.

But SO has been trying to get her to come out and visit for MONTHS. I know he wants her to see DD, and I know I cannot say anything without a huge fight. And SO and my relationship is already VERY strained (I just spent the first night of my life ever "sleeping" on the couch). I am thinking to ask neighbor lady to casually come by and "visit" while MIL is babysitting, though I'm not sure that won't be overly transparent. Part of me is scared to death, and part of me thinks I'm over-reacting. She has raised two kids of her own, she is a grandmother, regardless. Heck, I never touched or interacted with a kiddo until my own, and I must say I'm doing a dandy job.

If you have stayed with me this long, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I proofread and tried to condense. Fail. Please please please give me some advise, words or wisdom, or just some comfort. I am really emotionally spent, and I still have a week to dwell on this situation.

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Old 06-12-2011, 04:47 AM   #2
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

How long will you be gone? Is she only coming to watch your DD? Does she know anyone else in the area that you could make plans with her for that night as an excuse for someone else to watch your DD?
That's hard. If she is coming thinking it's to watch your DD for you I'm not sure there's a nice way out of it. I'd ask the neighbor to swing by, maybe some excuse about borrowing a few eggs
My Mom has some mental health issues that she has been getting treated for for years, and while at times I question her stability I know that I can trust her with DS, my sister on the other hand has it more rough because she lives far away. When my Mom visits she wants to take her DS out on walks and such by herself to have alone time with him(he's 6 months now) and it freaks my sister out. Since we live here my Mom see's DS all the time and never asks for alone time with him he's a handful.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:51 AM   #3
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

why doesn't she just visit? Is she comming only for that day? If not, then she can hang out w/the family and DD before then.
IMO, it's kind of rude; your friends have been expecting and planning for her for months.
ALSO: any child is going to have issues with someone new. She seemingly does not really know your MIL, correct? So assuming this, she's going to have difficulties being left with her, and you'd probably be called to come home.
I might word it this way: "You know, we've planned for months for her to stay w/so&so, who she knows better. Why don't we see how she does with your mother the day before, but plan for her to go over with so and so?" Of course that means if she does well w/MIL,she'd stay with her...
I understand how you feel though. My own mom had surgeries, and I didn't think she'd be able to lift DS if needed; but she did just fine! Plus DS behaved differently for her than me, so me being worried that she'd have to deal w/a tantrum and not be able to didn't hold true.
It would be very normal developmentally for her to have a meltdown with your mother and for you* to need to come home.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:57 AM   #4
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

Denise, thanks for responding!

The concert starts at 8, so I'm assuming we'd have to leave by 6:30 or 7 latest. Pittsburgh traffic is awful! Assuming it starts on time, that means opening act is over at 8:45 or 9, headliner is on at 9:15 and then she'd be on for an hour or two. So we'd be home by 11-12.

MIL doesn't know anybody here. Heck, we barely do! She is only coming to visit from Sat-Sun, so yea, basically just to babysit. She hasn't seen DD since we went to visit SO's family in mid December.

I want to clarify that I'm not trying to disparage MIL in any way for having emotional instability or severe depression. We've all got problems. But I also believe we have to work towards fixing them. When SO appears to be the parent and his parents are the children, then there's a problem, kwim?
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:58 AM   #5
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

How long do you plan to be gone in total? I get your trepidation but I'm not sure how her hoarding and love of fast food are going to adversly affect your DD in one evening. When you say she's physically unstable, does she fall over lots? Does your daughter need to be picked up lots or can she crawl to most anywhere she wants? IMHO, I think you're being unfair, however I don't think it's unreasonable to have your neighbour come by maybe mid-way through the evening to help out.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:04 AM   #6
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

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How long do you plan to be gone in total? I get your trepidation but I'm not sure how her hoarding and love of fast food are going to adversly affect your DD in one evening. When you say she's physically unstable, does she fall over lots? Does your daughter need to be picked up lots or can she crawl to most anywhere she wants? IMHO, I think you're being unfair, however I don't think it's unreasonable to have your neighbour come by maybe mid-way through the evening to help out.
I think we could be gone as long as 6 hours. DD cannot crawl at all and her only mobility is by being held and carried. I understand what you say about hoarding and fast food not adversely affecting DD. I guess I'm trying to give examples of how I believe her to have poor judgment in general. Trust me, she's fairly loony. I don't even think her own kids really like her that much. She's extremely passive aggressive and I don't see her as the "parent" in the relationship she has with her children.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:07 AM   #7
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

Why would your DF invite her for then? I mean, he knew you already had a sitter...or was this the only time she could come? I would be so frusterated if he did it knowing you already had a trustworthy sitter.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:16 AM   #8
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

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Why would your DF invite her for then? I mean, he knew you already had a sitter...or was this the only time she could come? I would be so frusterated if he did it knowing you already had a trustworthy sitter.
I agree. He did already know. In fact, he even asked me the other day to reconfirm that they could watch DD!!!!

The only thing I can think is that he's been asking his mom to come visit for months and she has an excuse about car troubles. He has finally even SENT HER MONEY!!!! so that she can rent a car. They talk randomly/infrequently, so maybe this was one of their random decisions.

So, basically I should approach it with this: This is already going to be a major change/strain on DD. I wouldn't mind if MIL watches her as long as neighbor is also there so that there is someone she recognizes and knows also there (and someone I trust, but that part is silent ).
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:10 AM   #9
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

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I agree. He did already know. In fact, he even asked me the other day to reconfirm that they could watch DD!!!!

The only thing I can think is that he's been asking his mom to come visit for months and she has an excuse about car troubles. He has finally even SENT HER MONEY!!!! so that she can rent a car. They talk randomly/infrequently, so maybe this was one of their random decisions.

So, basically I should approach it with this: This is already going to be a major change/strain on DD. I wouldn't mind if MIL watches her as long as neighbor is also there so that there is someone she recognizes and knows also there (and someone I trust, but that part is silent ).
I think that's a great solution! I'd also toss in there for good measure that especially with all the $$ spent on the concert you want to be able to enjoy it without worrying about DD all evening (my SO always gets the money angle...ah, well since you put it that way, hun!)

I hope it works out and you have a great time ! Sade....I didn't even know she was still performing (then again my music world has shrunk to 'the wheels on the bus'...good times!)
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:17 AM   #10
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Re: Possible Babysitting Crisis with MIL PLEASE HELP ME!

I think that is a good idea. I would not allow this MIL to care for my child alone.
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