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Old 06-13-2011, 09:20 PM   #1
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Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

Okay ladies, (and gents)
My hubby & I have a 15 month old son and we're thinking we're finished having kids. My dh is 110% sure, I'm about 95%. We had him after 8 years of "just us", we're both in our 30's (hubby is almost 40), and we've have had an extremely difficult time transitioning to parenthood--we just don't handle the bad very well. Charlie was very colicky, and it freaked us out. Now, we're totally gunshy and I really don't think our marriage could survive another child. Our lifestyle was also very carefree and flexible ("Do you want to go to Vegas this weekend? Let's fly to Phoenix next month. Are you up for a Rocky Mountain roadtrip this summer?") and now we feel so boxed in.

I always said I would NEVER have an only--but now I think it might be best for our family. I'm not sure why I ever thought it was a bad thing--I keep realizing that having siblings does not protect anyone from being bratty, selfish, rude, etc.

Anyway, I would love to hear from onlies and parents of only kids-- how did you decide? Are you happy with your decision? Do you get a lot of pressure from people? Do you feel selfish? I am OBSESSED with this and need to start talking to others in my shoes. Problem is, all of my friends have multiple kids and think having one is crazy. Thanks!!


Karah--Reader, writer, nature lover, mama to Charlie (2-28-10) and our rainbow baby, Anna (9-21-14)
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:28 PM   #2
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The only thing I have to contribute is that it's s lot harder to find someone to watch your kids if you have more than one.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:37 PM   #3
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

My fiance was an only child and I was the last of three. There are pros and cons to both. For example, his mother was able to give him so much more attention than my mother could with three girls a year apart. All of that extra attention gave him so much more self-confidence and independence. He rarely doubts that he can do anything he puts his mind to and doesn't need reassurance from others. His family was also able to do more because raising one child is less expensive than three.

That said, having siblings was great because I always had someone to play with, which is something my DH says he missed as a kid. I love my sisters and we are still close so it's hard for me to imagine what life would have been like without them, but we're pretty sure our DD is going to be an only child. I want to be able to give her all of my time and attention. I remember what it feels like to think that your parents love one of your siblings more than they love you and I don't ever want her to feel that way.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:45 PM   #4
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

Dude!! I totally could have written this post! i feel the same way, *I* am not going to survive another child. The one I have right now (14 mo) is doing me in. I don't feel bad, but I am getting some lip about having another one from family. But hey, they aren't the ones that are going to have to pay for 2 private school tuitions, 2 cars, and 2 college educations, I am. They also aren't there at midnight, 2, 4 and 6am when the baby won't go the f*ck to sleep (and i mean that in a loving way), so they can suck it. If my kid turns out to be a brat, its not cause he doesn't have any siblings, its cause that's who he is. Feel free to PM if u'd like to talk about this more. I'm also in my 30's, my sons father will be 40 in a few weeks.
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:37 AM   #5
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Don't worry about what other people think. Do what is right for you and your family. Other people will always have something to say about your family unless you are married with one boy and one girl, a golden retriever, a tabby, and maybe a parakeet.

I am not an only, I am the dreaded middle child. Siblings are great, and I'm lucky that I get along with mine, but really in the grand scheme of things, I don't think there is really much difference between a single-child home and a multi-child home as long as the child(ren) are loved. Maybe the noise level is a little lower in single-child homes.
Amanda - happily married wife to N and mother to B and C
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Old 06-14-2011, 02:37 AM   #6
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

OK I have 5kids and most ppl look at me like i'm crazy...and my kids are spoiled rotten(also polite and listen to) just like i veiw onlies as it just depends on the parent not how many siblings a kid has. with onlies you only have to worry about one and don't have to buy 5 of everything(all boys) with one kid you can always find a babysitter and it will be easier for you to just pack up and leave once he/she is older. maybe not vegas(besides a few shows) but you can still travel with one and it would be a great learning experience for him too.
Although I don't have an only I was one(kinda) my parents split and it was kinda like parent trap but not the parents got back together, my brother went with my mother and I went with my father so we were raised as onlies and didn't really see much of each other. I loved being an only as a child i got to travel and see new things, my brother stayed in one spot and never traveled but gained friends instead something i never did(I loved being alone utill i saw my brother and how big his "family" was with all his friends and their family and i had none thats why i chose a big family) I always only wanted one before I met my brother and saw all his"family" something i missed out on i guess.
BTW my life hasnt stopped because i have more I just have to wait till they are older to go on bigger trips(because of their age and $) planning italy in 7yrs they have been to key west(we live in fl) disney of course(5X a year for the last 7yrs), st.augistine, daytona, and tallahassee, And my boys love muesums and sporting events and they go with me to art shows and expos vegas was suppose to be this year but my BIL got sick and was in the hospital ICU and NC next summer we are going to new england... I drive because I refuse to fly with the way our airports work here. and its cheaper with this big family.
I'm just saying it doesn't have to stop now just needs to be planned more. Maybe he will have a love for adventure just like you guys. Now if your ever feeling boxed in please pm. I have those days too

Why would you be selfish for only wanting one? If later on you want more adopt.
And never let anyone pressure you, its only yours and dhs choice no one else should have a say so dont listen to them if they think you should have more. whats good for them isnt always good for you.
Doe mother to ~~ Vincenzo (10/03) ~~ Giovanni (11/05) ~~ Anthony (4/07) ~~ Carmine (09/09) ~~ Marcello (09/10) ~~ Veronica (02/13)
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:09 AM   #7
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

We have an only. He's almost three and DH got the big V last year. It was a very tough decision and was never fully black and white for us. I did not do well postpartum and the thought of being that crazy again with a child old enough to realize that mommy lost her marbles just made me terrified and guilty. My DH is military and so we also had to factor in how much it costs to travel home and how often I'll be playing single parent. Plus we're just having SO much fun as a family of three. I love how much one on one time I get with my DH and my son and I still have time leftover for me.
My MIL was disappointed but she doesn't give us any grief, everyone else has been pretty supportive.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:41 AM   #8
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

I am an only (by my mom, dad went on to have a child when I was 12 then adopted siblings that are 25 and 27 years younger then me) and my son is an only with an *.

I certainly didn't feel deprived growing up. I am close to a cousin (though sadly with me moving to the east coast I don't talk to her as much as I would like) and she was sort of my sibling without being a sibling. I know my mom really couldn't handle another child and at times I don't think my dad could have either at that time in his life. I traveled well and got to go some great places growing up. Something I am not sure I would have been able to do as a child of many.

My son is an only with 3 lost siblings. I know I am not done having children as I have a drive in me that is willing to do some risky stuff to have another child. However my son is 2.75 years right now, and since I am having to do some risky things to have another child in the end he might end up an only though I really hope not. I have to wait another year (and 2 months) to have another child so he is going to be an only for a bit longer too.

I completely understand where you are coming from having seen my mother there. I think if you are even considering this then you likely already have your answer. I wouldn't worry about what other people think. It is ultimately your decision and not theirs. Your child will not be a brat because of this, any more then they would be happy and well adjusted if they had a sibling.

Good luck to you!
Jennifer (39) - Wife since 12/2003 with 5 children - 3 waiting for me in heaven , and 2 delighting me everyday ! Lymphoma survivor and mother to baby born post pelvic radiation!
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:27 AM   #9
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Re: Attention Only Children, & parents of Onlies!

My husband and I are both onlies. We are pregnant w/ my 3rd, his 4th. The reason I wanted more than one, is because one day Dh and I will no longer be here, and if my child were an only, they would be all alone at that point. At least I have cousins (even that is not the same), but because we are both onlies, our child would have pretty much no one.
Thia, semi-crunchy wife to G (2005) and mama to Ashur (9/2006) and Julian (3/2010-birth story). Bfing, Dr. Bob vaxing, sling wearing, extended rear facing

Little girl, Seren Elise, born at home 11/18! Birth Story
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Old 06-14-2011, 07:50 AM   #10
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I'm the oldest of three girls (the youngest is 20 yrs younger and we have different dads). We're 32, 31 and 12.

My daughter, who will be 4 next month, is an only. She wasn't going to be, but after much thought over the last year, she is going to remain an only.

Since she was conceived via a sperm bank, she has a lot of half-siblings. I'm in contact with 19 other families.

Anyway, my reasoning is:

1.) I'm single and want to remain so. Raising one on my own is my own personal limit.
2.) I have mental illnesses, which have a genetic component. I would prefer not to subject any addt'l children to that.
3.) I receive no help from anyone, with 1, I am fine. With 2, I would probably not handle it so well.
4.) Financial rammifications.
5.) I'm over the baby stage. I have no desire to go back there, even though my daughter wasn't colicky or a handful.
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