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Old 06-28-2011, 12:48 PM   #1
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Do you and SO agree on family size?

Do/did you and your SO agree on how many kids you guys will have?

DH and I both agreed from the beginning of our relationship that we wanted a large family... we didn't have a specific number in mind, but the general consesus was 5-6 children. Now, I feel like I'm changing my mind. We're due with baby #3 next month, and while I want more children, I feel like maybe three is enough. DS2 is incredibly demanding and I get so stressed out at the thought of having more kids like that. I just don't know if I can handle, or if I even want to handle it.

I know that all kids are different, but there are other factors. We want our children to be involved in sports, and music, and as many activities as possible... it's already hard for me to be at all of DS1's sports practices/games because they conflict with DS2's nap or doctor appointment, etc etc. I feel like the more children we have, the more events I'll miss, KWIM?

DH doesn't agree with me at all. He wants as many children as we can afford... at least 5-6, but he would be happy to have a dozen (literally). If I refuse to have more, I'll feel awful because I know having a large family is important to him. But I have more, without knowing for sure that's what I want, I feel like I'll resent him.

Is there a middle ground? Can two people compromise on family size, and both be happy?

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Old 06-28-2011, 12:53 PM   #2
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

We do, yes. He doesn't have a strong opinion on it at all though. He just says he wants however many I want. I have super annoying high risk pregnancies though so I think he would feel like he is asking too much from me if he wanted a big family.
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Old 06-28-2011, 12:58 PM   #3
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

No, we don't agree. We agreed on two and now DH is content with one. I don't know that there is a middle ground, at least for us. For sure, I resent that DH is not willing to keep to our agreement. I guess it isn't a deal-breaker, but it does make me unhappy. I'm sorry not to give you more hope...
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Old 06-28-2011, 12:59 PM   #4
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Yes! We don't have a specific number in mind, but we both want: "at least two children, and at least one boy and one girl." If we have multiple boys or girls in a row, we plan to keep trying until we get the opposite gender.

My husband is kind of reluctant to have three children because in his family of three kids, the middle child ended up getting picked on way more than his fair share. My husband is the oldest and still feels guilty about picking on his middle sibling. However, I think his feelings about three children being bad news will change once our own family starts to grow and he sees that every family dynamic is different.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:00 PM   #5
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

When we got married we thought we'd like to have four kids. Then we didn't have our first until we'd been married for 4.5 years, due to financial/career reasons - and we had our first. While she is a joy, she is a lot of work!

We're in agreement that we definitely want a second child and we're both pretty confident we'll go for a third (assuming my health permits - I had pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy with DD and it was scary even though we're both fine. If I have pre-e with baby #2 and it occurs earlier or is more severe we may stop at two children). We both have to work outside the home in order to provide for our family the way we feel is best, and child care isn't cheap. If we'd started having children sooner we might have had time to go for four, but we want to be done by the time I'm 35 and I was almost 30 when we had DD. Spacing them out by 2.5-3 years means three will be our max.

The bigger issue than the number of kids we have is the spacing between them and how we'll pay for day care for more than one!
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:06 PM   #6
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

DH and I agree. 2 is perfect for us. The world seems to be built for the family of 4. We feel that it gives our children a sibling and at the same time allows us to have the time and money to go on trips, pay for activities, etc.

As for compromise, I'm of the mindset that the parent who wants the least kids wins. I know it isn't a popular opinion, but there it is. Both parents have to raise the kids, so I don't think it is fair to force or guilt either parent into having more kids than they want, even if that parent previously wanted more. My dad desperately wanted another child and begged, and begged, and begged. 4 years after my brother was born my mom caved and agreed to have me. She was not happy about raising another child and she wasn't happy with what she viewed as my father discounting her strong beliefs on the issue. She resented my father for it, and me as well. I'm not scarred for life or anything, but I do feel that it in part led to my parent's divorce. If one parent or the other doesn't have strong feelings on the matter, then I do think compromise is possible. But if one parent has very strong views against having another child, I don't think compromise pans out very well.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:12 PM   #7
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Nope. Dh said he was content with our family size when our oldest was born. I wanted more.....as many more as God saw fit to bless us with. Dh agreed to two......we have four now. I didn't force more children on him, I just made him responsible for bc since he was the one who felt our family was complete. He was careless, and we benefited greatly from his carelessness. He now says our family is perfect. We'll see..........
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:26 PM   #8
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Does anyone think the SAHP has more say in the matter of family size? I'm a SAHM, and we have no plans for me to go back to work. So I'm the one who gets pregnant, gives birth, breastfeeds, takes care of them, etc etc... and all that makes me feel like I should have the final say when it comes to our many kids we have. I've had two friends tell me I'm being selfish by thinking that, but I can't help it.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:27 PM   #9
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

I wanted none, DH wanted 2... I agreed to one, had one, wanted another, and am now due with #3 (I guess they're addicticting?? ) Depending on this ones personality (DS is sort of a firecracker) I think we're good with 3. DH is done... but if I want more, I"m sure he'll come to see my way

So, short answer... Not at all.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:28 PM   #10
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama.timms View Post
Does anyone think the SAHP has more say in the matter of family size? I'm a SAHM, and we have no plans for me to go back to work. So I'm the one who gets pregnant, gives birth, breastfeeds, takes care of them, etc etc... and all that makes me feel like I should have the final say when it comes to our many kids we have. I've had two friends tell me I'm being selfish by thinking that, but I can't help it.
I agree
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