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Old 06-28-2011, 03:05 PM   #21
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Nope. When we got married we wanted 6, and then we got caught up with the quiverfull/patriarchal movement (NO FLAMES!!), and decided to have as many as God would give us. We have 3 and were trying for more, but I couldn't take anymore work than I already have, and refuse to have a 4th.

While DH does want a 4th baby I don't. He doesn't pressure me about it, but whenever the issue of family size comes up, you can tell it really bothers him that he will "only" have three.

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Old 06-28-2011, 03:18 PM   #22
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We at first we only wanted one child, after DS1 was born we both wanted another and started trying when he was 8 months old... Now that we have DD (2weeks old) we want to start trying for another when she turns 1.....I would love to have as many as 4 kids I don't think I could personally handle more than that...... DH is content with the 2 we have now and doesnt really comment on having more children or a certain "number" persay we are just taking it one child at a time I guess lol.
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Old 06-28-2011, 03:21 PM   #23
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

We never put a number on it but we both wanted kids. We are now thinking about maybe baby #4, just at the talking stage right now.
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Old 06-28-2011, 03:21 PM   #24
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No. He came from a family of two kids and I came from a family of 3 kids. He always wanted 2 and I always wanted 4 (at least). We settled on 3, but when #3 was a year old I gave him a guilt trip that I would always regret not having a 4th.....he could not say he would regret having a 4th, so we did. I couldnt be happier with my 4. I would have had more if he wanted more.

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Old 06-28-2011, 03:25 PM   #25
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It's actually one of the few things we pretty much agree on. Before we got married, I wanted 4, he wanted 2 but was open to more. We had the first two and I was ready for another. It took him a long time to decide what he wanted but after a year, he was ready. I was scared to tell him I was pregnant but he was more excited than I was. Now he wants another and I'm not sure. But he says he can be happy with our three if I decide to stop. We both agree one more would be our max. So either way, we will both be pretty happy with our family size.

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Old 06-28-2011, 03:29 PM   #26
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

We agree. Its what ever I want. We are very happy with one, we might go for a second but aren't wanting to do the adoption process again except private/very open and that's pretty hard.
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:01 PM   #27
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Nope, not at all. I desperately want one more and DH is most definitely done. I have always wanted 3 (which he knew), but DH is content with 2. We've had lots of conversations about it--they are essentially unproductive because they usually end with me crying and him apologizing. I'm having a hard time letting go of the idea of another but I don't think he is changing his mind.
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:26 PM   #28
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama.timms View Post
Do/did you and your SO agree on how many kids you guys will have?

We can't tell. Some days we do. I waffle. A lot. It hasn't become a source of conflict for us though.

<snip>

I know that all kids are different, but there are other factors. We want our children to be involved in sports, and music, and as many activities as possible... it's already hard for me to be at all of DS1's sports practices/games because they conflict with DS2's nap or doctor appointment, etc etc. I feel like the more children we have, the more events I'll miss, KWIM?

Have you examined why you want them to be so invovled? Do you see a life long benefit to keeping them super busy with these activities? Do these activities reflect your central ideals and values in life that you are wanting to teach your children? If they don't, why do you want to invest all of the time, energy, and finances into these activities? Don't answer me. Just take some time to think about the why of running to all of these activities.
<snip>

Is there a middle ground? Can two people compromise on family size, and both be happy?
I am in agreement with Janine. A child that is born can't be unborn. I think it's better to be conservative and go with the lowest number wanted. If the couple does choose to compromise, then they must do so with open hearts and not allow resentment to become an issue.

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Does anyone think the SAHP has more say in the matter of family size? I'm a SAHM, and we have no plans for me to go back to work. So I'm the one who gets pregnant, gives birth, breastfeeds, takes care of them, etc etc... and all that makes me feel like I should have the final say when it comes to our many kids we have. I've had two friends tell me I'm being selfish by thinking that, but I can't help it.
My DH would agree with you completely. Every time that it comes up with us, he tells me that since I am the main caretaker who has to organize them and keep the household running, I should be the one who decides when it's "enough" so that it doesn't become "too much." In our situation, DH would be more than happy to have more, but I'm on the fence and leaning towards done with 3. (and to be completely honest here, it has more to do with the fact that I am VERY comfortable in our house and we would need to upgrade to one with more rooms-if I could convince him to add a room or two, I'd be all over adding a kid or two )

I'm pretty sure that if I was hopping up and down wanting more and DH was concerned about finances, he'd offer to get me a puppy. (it's a running joke-Should we have more kids? Meh. Maybe we should get a puppy instead.)

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We agree. Its what ever I want. We are very happy with one, we might go for a second but aren't wanting to do the adoption process again except private/very open and that's pretty hard.
This is pretty much how the discussion at our house goes, too. I think DH is just biding his time until I get baby fever or get old and the moment has passed.

OP, you and your DH may find yourselves in agreement after you have your 3rd. For a lot of people, going from 2 to 3 is a huge transition. For us 1 to 2 was a bigger deal. Our 3rd just slid into place. I'm pretty sure a 4th or 5th would do the same, but we'd have to hang them on nails behind the door in this house.
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:43 PM   #29
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

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Originally Posted by stevensmom View Post
yes if the SAHP is done at a certain number then I would said the SAHP should get extra votes....but if the SAHP wants more than the WOHP then I would say the WOHP would get extra votes
I agree. If the WOHP wants to be done out of worry of finances, I think it's important to take it into consideration. If the SAHP wants to be done because they are content with taking care of the children they have all day then that should be respected.
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Old 06-28-2011, 05:56 PM   #30
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Re: Do you and SO agree on family size?

Before we got married, DH and I agreed on 2-4. Neither of us wanted just one and four was the max either of us would do.

After our second was born, DH mentioned that maybe he was done. Mostly because the baby stage is a lot of work and he felt with two we could give them both the attention and loved they needed. Well, I wasn't so sure about only two but I feel like both parents should be in agreement. I would never do a "whoops" on purpose so I told DH why don't we revisit the idea when the baby is over a year.

A year passes, and both girls are best friends. Yeah they fight and they are still a lot of work, but DD1 really enjoys being the big sister so DH said he thought a third would be okay. So now we're expecting a third in Oct.

As to whether or not we'll do a fourth. I'm on the fence. Both DH and I are really fertile and have no issues or wait to get pregnant so DH will being getting a V whenever we're done. I'm afraid that if we're content with three, but want to leave the option open (not getting the V done now) than for sure we will have a fourth whether by choice or by "whoops".

As for whether the SAHP or WP has a greater say, I think if one parent is DONE, for whatever reason, than that parent's choice should hold greater weight. Not that the couple can't discuss it and try to get to a happy place about the subject, but a child is not something that you can take back.

I know someone who was the "unwanted" additional child that was conceived on purpose by mother. The marriage broke up unfortunately and the father pretty much ignored him. The child ended up with the shaft because one parent wanted more and the other was done. Obviously, this father should have never treated the child this way and many parents wouldn't treat a child this way just because they didn't want more, but that's how much this father didn't want another child, and the child suffered the most from it not the mother and father.
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