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Old 08-07-2011, 05:10 PM   #11
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Is it possible she is just trying to identify more with her brother? She has so many sisters, I could see her wanting to be different, like her brother.

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Old 08-07-2011, 05:18 PM   #12
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

I agree with pp that say just let her be! I think whether it is a phase, or not, making a big deal out of it will only hurt her. Sometimes my 3yo ds dresses up in his sisters dressup dresses or leotards. My dh and brothers are always making a big deal out of it, and I just tell them to shut it! If they go on and on about how embarressing it is, they are just going to make him want to do it more because of the attention! If I just treat him the same as my dd and don't freak out when he dresses up, he gets bored of it after a while. He is very boyish btw! I think he just does it for the reaction!
THe one thing I DON'T agree with is giving your child something to delay puberty till they decide! I think that giving a child drugs or hormones to change their body is not a good idea.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:11 PM   #13
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

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Originally Posted by ktmelody View Post
Good questions. First off we are now on year 2 of the behavior, so its a mighty long phase if so. Lol

Second, she only wears boys clothes, boys underwear, has a buzz cut, and wants to be called Henry. She has also expressed desire to go to the bathroom outside like her brother, or standing up. She rarely plays with girl toys, and plays swords and sheilds, zelda pretend, cars etc. She wants people to believe she is a boy and not a girl. Down to wanting to trick tbe nieghbor boys that she is a boy.

She doesnt go to school and will not (we are chartering at home) but we asked what kind of clothes she would want to wear to school if she was going and she said boy clothes.

Doesnt bother me at all really, just wanted to connect with other parents who may be going through the same thing, especially with a daughter. Most of everything I google is boys wanting to be girls....which is doenst pertain really to our situation. Lol.
I'm not raising a trans child, but have done some work w/ trans individuals & have taken some specialized classes. Yes, the things you point out could be indicators that your DD is experiencing some gender dysphoria. If it's not currently causing her any distress to have female genitalia & you're okay w/ her expressing her gender in a more masculine fashion, continue to go with it. And BTW, GREAT job for being supportive & understanding in a situation that makes many uncomfortable; not everyone could/would do it. If it is causing your DD any distress (like, even if she's insisting on being called Henry & peers are giving her a problem), I'd take her to a counselor that specializes in GLBT issues.

FWIW, not that it matters right now, as it sounds like your DD is generally a pretty well-adjusted kid, but she may start to delineate whether she is content the way she is now (w/ female "parts" but expressing her gender as female), or whether she feels she is assigned the wrong sex organs...if that's the case, talking with her about how her body will develop (so she knows what to expect) is integral. At some point, it may be appropriate to talk w/ her about the medical interventions that may be available.

jmoon--I also am uncomfortable w/ delaying the onset of puberty in general...but there's a pretty good research base suggesting that it is exactly the right & most humane thing to do for kids who are absolutely & without a doubt gender dysphoric & transgendered. Pubescing into the wrong sex/gender is incredibly traumatic for kids who were born into the wrongly-sexed body & this seems to be the trigger for all the depression, self-hate, etc. that are incredibly prevalent among trans youth. Their bodies have betrayed them, despite all their wants & thoughts & against what they feel is "meant to be". And honestly, if there's a thought that the kid may want ANY medical intervention for any kind of gender reassignment, it's better to delay development than to "undo" the wrong sex's puberty. Nothing's more conspicuous than a MTF trans w/ size 13 feet & an adam's apple, nor can a post-top-surgery FTM walk around w/o a shirt w/o displaying his mastectomy scars, proclaiming his trans status. Why make an individual go through that when they don't have to?

KT--I'd connect w/ your local PFLAG chapter for some linkages. Also, most colleges & universities would have an LGBT resource center that could help you. Our local AIDS Community Resource Center is the umbrella organization for the "Q-Center", a resource center for kids & teens dealing w/ any LGBTQ-related issues; either for themselves or a loved one...so it's LGBTQ kids, or kids w/ a friend or family member who is identified as LGBTQ.

If there are any questions I can answer for you or resources I can look up, I'm happy to do so...just PM me or let me know .
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:19 PM   #14
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

I was a "gender confused" kid too. I guess. You couldn't have told me that. I knew I was a girl, I just didn't like "girl things" I still am not a huge fan of girl things. Men's clothing is more comfortable on my body shape (no hips or bum) and I like the colors, materal and function better.
Any way. Puberty did a number on me I got a little shape, boobies, started noticing boys (mostly) and found what was me. Sometimes you have to swing waaay over one way then waaaay over the other to settle in the middle.

discussion about delaying puberty with drugs intrigues me. I don't think I could do that. I'm glad no one did that to me, because I grew into my womanhood. It took years, and I spent time hanging around GLBT groups in college and such to figure it out.

(don't read this as insensitivity) There are some things you can't change. Some things about your body that you can't change. You just have to find peace with it. Like, being a race. You just are that race. Period. You can't really say "I fell like I'm Japanese" and take meds or surgery to be Japanese if you weren't born that way.

I guess how you live your life is more important than how you look and people see you. Drugs for prepubescent children seems very drastic and dangerous.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:27 PM   #15
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

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Originally Posted by carriek38 View Post
And BTW, GREAT job for being supportive & understanding in a situation that makes many uncomfortable; not everyone could/would do it
i agree!

and if you want any support, feel free to PM me, im a willing ear
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:43 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by carriek38

I'm not raising a trans child, but have done some work w/ trans individuals & have taken some specialized classes. Yes, the things you point out could be indicators that your DD is experiencing some gender dysphoria. If it's not currently causing her any distress to have female genitalia & you're okay w/ her expressing her gender in a more masculine fashion, continue to go with it. And BTW, GREAT job for being supportive & understanding in a situation that makes many uncomfortable; not everyone could/would do it. If it is causing your DD any distress (like, even if she's insisting on being called Henry & peers are giving her a problem), I'd take her to a counselor that specializes in GLBT issues.

FWIW, not that it matters right now, as it sounds like your DD is generally a pretty well-adjusted kid, but she may start to delineate whether she is content the way she is now (w/ female "parts" but expressing her gender as female), or whether she feels she is assigned the wrong sex organs...if that's the case, talking with her about how her body will develop (so she knows what to expect) is integral. At some point, it may be appropriate to talk w/ her about the medical interventions that may be available.

jmoon--I also am uncomfortable w/ delaying the onset of puberty in general...but there's a pretty good research base suggesting that it is exactly the right & most humane thing to do for kids who are absolutely & without a doubt gender dysphoric & transgendered. Pubescing into the wrong sex/gender is incredibly traumatic for kids who were born into the wrongly-sexed body & this seems to be the trigger for all the depression, self-hate, etc. that are incredibly prevalent among trans youth. Their bodies have betrayed them, despite all their wants & thoughts & against what they feel is "meant to be". And honestly, if there's a thought that the kid may want ANY medical intervention for any kind of gender reassignment, it's better to delay development than to "undo" the wrong sex's puberty. Nothing's more conspicuous than a MTF trans w/ size 13 feet & an adam's apple, nor can a post-top-surgery FTM walk around w/o a shirt w/o displaying his mastectomy scars, proclaiming his trans status. Why make an individual go through that when they don't have to?

KT--I'd connect w/ your local PFLAG chapter for some linkages. Also, most colleges & universities would have an LGBT resource center that could help you. Our local AIDS Community Resource Center is the umbrella organization for the "Q-Center", a resource center for kids & teens dealing w/ any LGBTQ-related issues; either for themselves or a loved one...so it's LGBTQ kids, or kids w/ a friend or family member who is identified as LGBTQ.

If there are any questions I can answer for you or resources I can look up, I'm happy to do so...just PM me or let me know .
Thanks mama. Based on the DSM criteria she does qualify but we dont need a diagnosis of anything at this point. Thankfully she has older sisters and is around women talk all the time. Lol. She has no disgust for her vagina, but ha expressed wanting a penis. Not a daily thing, but def. A interest.

Thankfully we homeschool so the issue is going to be minimal with others, but we do weekly meetings for school and of course just out and about. At this point she is ok with us telling people she is a girl, or correcting them when they ask I should say.

As far as puberty goes, thankfully we have a few years to see where this goes before it would become an issue. I am nuetral on that stance as of now. I think she is a litte young still to be having major issues with her genitals, or being wrong sexed. Hopefully the next few years shows us some clearer answers. I am fine with whatever she chooses, but I am sure at that point if she does feel wrongly sexed that a counseler would help us all as a family.

Thanks for the info, i will def look into those!
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:46 PM   #17
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

I don't think I am. For a while I wondered about my youngest, when he would say things like "I want to be a female figure skater" and all of his clothes were girls clothes, but I'm pretty sure for him it is more what he likes than an actual gender identity issue, if that makes any sense. He is very much like his father (dh) who is comfortable in his own skin. He is a guy who is ok liking more "feminine" things.

I however was a gender confused child, and I grew into a gender confused adult. I am a woman, intellectually I know that, but I don't like it. I have never liked it or been comfortable with it. My parents allowed a certain free reign when I was a child as far as my clothes went. I didn't have to wear dresses or even particularly effeminate clothing. I never played with girls toys, I actually read books more than anything, but they made me keep my hair super long. The worst thing for me was puberty because there was no denying my body development. I don't think I ever specifically wanted to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman either. I enjoyed passing as a boy as a child and on through my teens. I wanted to stay androgynous. I don't know that I will ever be completely comfortable in my body. That is something I will be careful of with my children.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:46 PM   #18
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

I would find an online group for parents of transgendered children. I would also support her to be who she is. As I am sure you are. I saw on a show where the children and parents get together for support. I know a young person who came out about 2 years ago and is now living as a woman. She said she never thought she was a boy, she just didn't know why her body didn't match on the outside. What I have gathered through the years from hearing stories from transgendered people is that there never was any confusion for them as to who they were. The confusing part was that everyone around them didn't see who they really were. Even the most tomboy behavior cannot come close to the feeling of being in the wrong body.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:09 PM   #19
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Re: S/O of sorts....anyone raising a transgendered child, or gender confused child?

Sounds like you are describing my cousin. When she was very young like age 2 she HATED dresses and doing her hair. She would scream and have a fit if her mom put her in a dress. Around age 6 or so she always had a short buzz cut with a rats tail in back. She played soccer with the boys and love the teenage mutant ninja turtles. She did not like girls or anything girly at all. People used to think she was a boy and didn't care. Rather then say she was a girl most of the time we would just let it go and not say anything at all. As she grew she has become a little more girly but not hardly. She joined the Marines right out of high school and is now happily married to another marine man. She is so tough, so strong both mentally and physically. She is very independent. I don't know many people like her. Her family just loved her and excepted her. Nobody tried to make her be something she wasn't.

As for my kids they have not wanted to be anything different so I have no experience with that. A couple weeks ago my Ds(6) and I were talking about what he would do when he grew up and he told me he would like to get a husband. I said "No you probably will have a wife." Then there was a pause and he asks. "Don't you remember the girl in my PreK, She had two dad's." I said "yes she did." He said "well can't I?" and I said "well I guess you can if you want, but you will have to decide that when you are older."

At this age I don't think they really know what they want. They want to be like the people they look up to. If she wants to be transgender I would make her wait until she is older. For now just love them and don't make a big deal out of gender.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:17 PM   #20
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Sounds like you are describing my cousin. When she was very young like age 2 she HATED dresses and doing her hair. She would scream and have a fit if her mom put her in a dress. Around age 6 or so she always had a short buzz cut with a rats tail in back. She played soccer with the boys and love the teenage mutant ninja turtles. She did not like girls or anything girly at all. People used to think she was a boy and didn't care. Rather then say she was a girl most of the time we would just let it go and not say anything at all. As she grew she has become a little more girly but not hardly. She joined the Marines right out of high school and is now happily married to another marine man. She is so tough, so strong both mentally and physically. She is very independent. I don't know many people like her. Her family just loved her and excepted her. Nobody tried to make her be something she wasn't.

As for my kids they have not wanted to be anything different so I have no experience with that. A couple weeks ago my Ds(6) and I were talking about what he would do when he grew up and he told me he would like to get a husband. I said "No you probably will have a wife." Then there was a pause and he asks. "Don't you remember the girl in my PreK, She had two dad's." I said "yes she did." He said "well can't I?" and I said "well I guess you can if you want, but you will have to decide that when you are older."

At this age I don't think they really know what they want. They want to be like the people they look up to. If she wants to be transgender I would make her wait until she is older. For now just love them and don't make a big deal out of gender.
Right, but by allowing her to say she is a boy, act like a boy, do boy things, and dress/look like a boy, I am allowing her to be transgendered. Its not like dress up, this is a daily thing for her. I dont make a big deal out of any of it, but allowing her to do what she wants is allowing her to be the gender she was not born as...KWIM? If I made her wait, then I would have to make her have girl hair, girl clothes and do typical girl things. Of course I am not going to run out and get a sex change..lol. Lots of trans people never change, but know they are not the gender they were born as.

A lot of trans people will say outright that they knew very early on, around 3-5 years old that they were not the gender they were born as. Same with gay people. They know very early on that something is different.

And I dont think she is gay, being trans and being gay are very different things. She likes boys, says she wants to marry a boy. But the question will remain for a long time if she will do that as a woman, or as a man. Thankfully we dont have to worry about that for a long time.
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