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Old 08-09-2011, 09:21 AM   #1
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I hate tricking DD!

I work at home so sometimes I need to sneek away from DD in order to go to work and avoid her getting upset when she sees me go to my office. She is 2 years old and has recently had some seperation anxiety. Usually she is fine if I distract her with a fun toy or get DH to play with her so I can leave, but I don't want her to start feeling like she can't trust me to stick around. Is there a better way to handle this?

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Old 08-09-2011, 09:24 AM   #2
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

We had that problem, but didn't do the tricking thing. We'd tell him we were going (he is in daycare), tell him bye and we'd see him as soon as we were done working, and then distract him with a toy. It took about a month for him to get used to it and he still occasionally has episodes, but I'd prefer to not have him wondering if Mom is coming back.
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Old 08-09-2011, 09:59 AM   #3
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

Before I ever had kids (I babysat a LOT), my mother told me to never try to sneak away from them because it makes the separation anxiety worse. They feel like you might disappear at any moment and don't trust that you will be there/come back.

Sounds like you feel the same way.

So right before you leave, tell her that you are going and will be back after nap/dinner/she watches X show with Daddy etc. Give her a quick hug. Be confident and don't act like you are worried/sad/upset about it. Then leave. Let whoever is caring for her do the distracting AFTER you've closed the door. (and don't come back if you hear her fuss on the way out)

When you come back (assuming she's awake) hug her and point out that you came back like you told her you would.
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:09 AM   #4
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

I'm a SAHM, but I have a lot of obligations at church that tend to take me away at the most inopportune times (like an hour before bed time). DH and I have handled it by playing up "special time with Daddy" - even if all they do is play in the backyard or take a bath with bubbles rather than without before bed. When he leaves for work, we talk about when he'll be home, and what we'll do then (even if it's just "then we'll eat dinner!). She's also just turned 2, and the separation anxiety thing is so hard. But I learned the hard way not to trick her. I snuck out to go to choir practice one night, and she cried the whole 1.5 hrs I was gone. I think she thought I might be gone forever. Her Daddy has to make a point to specifically tell her goodbye in the morning as well or she panics. For her anyway, if we prep her ahead of time, she might cry when one of us leaves, but she gets over it a lot more quickly. Good luck, Mama!
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:32 AM   #5
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

Continuing to sneak away will just make the SA much worse. Tell her 'mama has to go to work. see you after nap/luch/2 oclock/whatever' give her a kiss and then LEAVE! Keep a smile on your face if she throws a fit. Dont hang around trying to make her feel better-it'll just make the situation worse. A lot of kids throw a fit when mom or dad leave but most of the time it's all show. If she's truely upset then over time she will learn that mama is going to be there when she turns around and mama will! come back when she leaves. Before you know it she'll be all 'yeah whatever mom. see ya'
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:36 AM   #6
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

I just hit me this morning that we were going about it the easy way but not the correct way. I got her to go play in my closet with my shoes then I ran downstairs and I realized she would turn around and I would be gone and that isn't fair to her. I think I do just need to just say "time for mommy to go to work, have fun at day care and see you when we have dinner."
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:40 AM   #7
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

Do you have a regular schedule of daycare and a regular goodbye routine? Even if she cries, she WILL be fine after you go and it is a learning opportunity for her to learn that mom comes back and learn how to cope with frustration. Sneaking out is likely to get her scared, mad or be unsure of when you will return because you always disappear without her knowing, how will she know if or when you will come back?
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Old 08-09-2011, 11:58 AM   #8
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

The problem is that I work part time and my schedule changes from day to day so it is hard to have a real routine. I do feel bad for DH because he is the one who will have to deal with the crying every morning.
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Old 08-09-2011, 12:03 PM   #9
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

Even with a variable schedule, you can establish a simple goodbye routine.

"It's time for Mommy to go to work now." Three kisses and one hug. "I love you and will be back ______________. Be sweet to Daddy."

Obviously, change it to what you and your DD like.
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Old 08-09-2011, 12:23 PM   #10
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Re: I hate tricking DD!

When I used to babysit for a girl that had issues with her mom leaving, we would play the baby songs dvd song "My Mommy Comes Back". Surprisingly to me, it always helped!
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