Being sent to her room...

[LadyofReason]

I send them to their bedroom to give us both a chance to regroup and defuse the situation. We are ready to start fresh after that.

[UnschoolingFamily]

I am very surprised that so many parents send such young ones to their room and to time-outs. I don't think they work at all. 2 and 3 year olds are far too immature to understand why they are being isolated and I think they only learn bad things.

I don't use time-put for any age (well, I have put myself in time-out when I felt I needed a quick break) because I think there are far better tools.

I loved the book "Playful Parenting" for dealing with some trickier situations.. I also instinctively realized that when my young children were acting out, they needed cuddles, food, sleep, love, redirection, silliness, or something. They were never "bad" only age-appropriate, testing boundaries and learning about freedom and choice, exactly as thy should have been. I think that time-outs simply instill a feeling of being unlovef in the child. Giving children a tiny bit of low self-esteem ("I am so bad that mommy doesn't want me around") does nothing to help a child learn how to make better choces and navigate their confusing feelings.

So yeah, I think time-puts are more than useless but even harmful and shaming.

[UnschoolingFamily]

How is a 2 or 3 year old supposed to go to their room as a punoshment and then hace the composure and logic to sit there and rethink the choices they had made, realize whatever they did was wrong and come out shiny and new?

I think what happens is a child goes in their room, angry or sad and feeling abandoned, then bit by bit, they stop crying or raging, suck up their sadness, and get distracted by toys, thoughts or whatever, then they come out having forgotten about what happened.

I doubt many children go in for a time-out, contemplate their errors and grievous ways, and vow to never make the same mistake again. Sheesh! I don't even know many adults who would learn from their mistakes like that!

[mommyfrog]

Why do you assume they are thinking they are "bad". If you aren't saying it, they aren't going to think it. If you say "It looks like you need some time to calm down in your room. You can come back out when you are calm." That is what they will think. I go to my room when I need to calm down and I'm teaching my kids the same thing. My 15yo was in counseling a while back for his mental health issues and that is what she suggested to him. When he feels upset to say so and go in his room or go for a walk. It works.

It really has nothing to do with punishment. If I want to punish, I use a corner. If I just want them to calm down, they go in their room and do whatever they need to do to calm down. Playing with toys, listening to music, reading, sleeping. I don't care if they remember what happened or not. As long as they are learning self-calming and self-coping skills. As they age they go to their room by theirselves when they start to feel upset. There they can calm down and come back refreshed. I believe that as adults it will be a very helpful skill to be able to say "Hey, I'm feeling really upset right now. I'm going to go cool down." Can you imagine how many arguments that will diffuse with future room mates or spouses? They can go cool down then come back to discuss the issue calmly. Me and my dh are just now learning this because we were punished as children for having feelings of anger, sadness, or whatever. Teaching them to go regroup when they are out of control is hardly the same thing as being "punished" for having the feelings. You can have the feeling, you just can't lash out at others. You can say you are angry in a much calmer way and deal with you feelings with words. But you may need to go away fromt he situation for a little while to calm down and collect your thoughts. Make sense?

[3Daisies]

Originally Posted by jbug_4 I think of it as a regrouping. If she comes out with a better attitude and keeps you from blowing your top then its doing what it needs to. Doesn't matter if she plays or not like pp said its the reset button.

I agree with this. This is what my mom did with us rather than using time-out and IMO it worked wonderfully. My DD is 2 1/2 and I've tried time outs but I will soon will try sending her to her room like my mom did with us.

[my2sweets]

Originally Posted by mommyfrog You can have the feeling, you just can't lash out at others. You can say you are angry in a much calmer way and deal with you feelings with words. But you may need to go away fromt he situation for a little while to calm down and collect your thoughts. Make sense?

exactly! I dont send them to their room for shedding some tears, raising their voices,ect. I send them to their rooms when they're at the point of no reasoning with them or helping them. As long as you will let me cuddle you, talk with you, work with you, then come here honey-we'll get over the problem together. The second you start screaming at the top of your lungs, hitting, kicking, throwing things, you need to go else where. No one wants to be around that b/c 1-it sucks to listen to 2-someone could get hurt. I'm all about the natural consquences-you act nuts around ppl, you dont get to be around ppl. I now have a 6yr old and a 4yr old that use their words when theres a problem 90% of the time. Yes they still fly off the handle and are sent away but we all have our moments. Heck just the other day I had to tell the girls that mama was extermly upset so I was going to go to my room. When I came out they both gave me hugs and kisses and asked if I felt better........

[MissyMia]

Well seems like most of you feel it is okay. I am not one who is too concerned with hurting my childs feelings. She knows she is loved because we give lots of hugs, kisses, snuggles, and I tell her all the time. But she also knows that she will get a punishment if she does something wrong. In general I feel my dd1 is a very good kid at heart and is usually good when we are out and about. But she is 3.5 years old and she can meltdown with the best of them.

She gets sent to her room when she is being super whiney and crying and yelling at me, usually hanging around my legs. Nothing I do or say seems to make her happy and that is when I feel myself get mad at her, and therefore I send her away to cool off, both of us to cool off. At that point nothing else is going to work. And this is all totally different than a full out tantrum with super raging mad 3.5 year old. That I found can be taken care of with a hug and putting her head down on my shoulder.

[mcpforever]

Originally Posted by UnschoolingFamily I am very surprised that so many parents send such young ones to their room and to time-outs. I don't think they work at all. 2 and 3 year olds are far too immature to understand why they are being isolated and I think they only learn bad things. Perhaps our children are more advanced than yours? I don't use time-put for any age (well, I have put myself in time-out when I felt I needed a quick break) because I think there are far better tools. I loved the book "Playful Parenting" for dealing with some trickier situations.. I also instinctively realized that when my young children were acting out, they needed cuddles, food, sleep, love, redirection, silliness, or something. Let me introduce you to my children between the ages of 2 and 4-particularly around dinner time when they are hungry, food is in front of them, but they are so unreasonable they don't have the sense to eat, nor the self control to stop their emotions from causing them to act uncivilized-even for their age. They were never "bad" only age-appropriate, testing boundaries and learning about freedom and choice, exactly as thy should have been. Yup. My children test their boundaries and I make sure those boundaries areright there. They have the freedom and choice to live within those boundaries or go somewhere to regroup until they can. I think that time-outs simply instill a feeling of being unlovef in the child. Giving children a tiny bit of low self-esteem ("I am so bad that mommy doesn't want me around") does nothing to help a child learn how to make better choces and navigate their confusing feelings. What causes low self esteem in children is their inability to do. If they never learn to be respectful, responsible, or resourceful, they end up with low self esteem. The first step for any of those three R's is self control. And you got the parenthetical quote wrong. It should read "I am BEHAVING so badly that mommy doesn't want me around." So yeah, I think time-puts are more than useless but even harmful and shaming.

It all depends on how it is done. I can take any parenting "technique" and figure out how to abuse it or make it damaging to a child.

Originally Posted by UnschoolingFamily How is a 2 or 3 year old supposed to go to their room as a punoshment and then hace the composure and logic to sit there and rethink the choices they had made, realize whatever they did was wrong and come out shiny and new? Let me introduce you to my children. You will be amazed. I think what happens is a child goes in their room, angry or sad and feeling abandoned, then bit by bit, they stop crying or raging, suck up their sadness, and get distracted by toys, thoughts or whatever, then they come out having forgotten about what happened. Come to my house. I will show you how my children emerg, ready to apologize to whomever they have wronged/offended/insert your favorite word and will follow that person around until they have completed their task! I doubt many children go in for a time-out, contemplate their errors and grievous ways, and vow to never make the same mistake again. Sheesh! I don't even know many adults who would learn from their mistakes like that!

It's all about teaching impulse control and gaining self control in SPITE of emotions. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. If the child comes out of time out and can't tell you why they were there, you haven't done it right. If they come back and do the exact same thing right then, you haven't done it often enough or long enough.

Time out or sending a kid to their room is part of a process. It isn't an isolated event like a sneeze. There's a lot of teaching and compassion that goes with it.