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Old 08-22-2011, 06:54 PM   #1
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Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

I was 16 when I had my son so there was a lot I couldnt do or get for him. I worked and went to school, graduated early and been in college since (ds is 6 now) and I'm 22 and have my baby girl. Now it was time for school clothes and such, I got him some clothes, but the grandparents went out and got name brands and such, and my dd, they get her nice new stuff too. I usually go to resale shops for my kids cuz I can afford it and they out grow em so fast. But lately I just feel a lil guilty I cant get the nicest or newest things... Just wondering others opinions

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Old 08-22-2011, 07:04 PM   #2
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

I shop Old Navy and Target clearance/sale. I also sometimes do Costco and the discount stores. When my son gets older I'll worry about fancier clothing, but as long I care more about price/looks than about brand as they grow so quickly in less you are that rich that you have money to throw out, I can think of so many other ways to spend it. I try to buy ahead and just put away if its that cheap.

Do your grandparents need another grandchild? I wish my family would do that - we have one friend who sends us the best care packages but my mom only buys an outfit here or there. (My MIL would but limited income so I tell her not to but I know she wants to).
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:59 PM   #3
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

I think it is great that his grandparents spoil him - that is what they are for! Don't feel bad that you can't afford fancy new clothes. I don't feel bad that my son wears mostly used clothing, plays with mostly used toys - and doesn't have many at that. I guess if he were getting made fun of for my fashion choices, then I might feel differently, but he's only 10 months, so that is a long way off. Even if I had way way more money than I have now, I don't think I'd feel the need for more expensive clothes for him.

I think the things I wish I could spend more on for his sake would be a) college fund and b) travel (when he's a little older). I think he'll be okay on the clothes/toys/lessons that I can buy.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:15 PM   #4
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Its not so much the grandparents buying stuff, but realizing what I couldnt do for my son back then what I do for my daughter now. Actually being the one to see firsts and stay home with her. Sorry guess I'm just having one of those down days. I mean I love him getting things and I treasure gifts for both him and her, it gives me a lil less to do and can take him to get icecream and things like that.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:28 PM   #5
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

It sounds like you have done a great job with your kids. You did the best you could at the time, and that's all anyone could ask. Good for you, going to school, holding down a job, and CARING about your baby! I'm sure your son won't measure your love for him by the clothes you can buy him.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:31 PM   #6
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It sounds like you have done a great job with your kids. You did the best you could at the time, and that's all anyone could ask. Good for you, going to school, holding down a job, and CARING about your baby! I'm sure your son won't measure your love for him by the clothes you can buy him.
Thank yoU. think I just needed a reminder
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:14 PM   #7
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

Don't feel guilty in the least. It's more fair to your children to live within your means than strive to give them all these material things and end up in a financial bind. And that's life. You can't always determine the circumstances you have to live with. Not everyone is born with money, and that's ok. It's what you do with what you have that is important. And its the immaterial things, like going to school and working to provide a better life for your children, that are important. Not Nikes or Ralph Lauren, etc.

We live on a tight budget. We might be able to afford to buy everything new, but I don't. I shop consignment stores and sales for toys and clothes. To me its practical. There are other more important things to devote that money to - why am I going to pay 20 or 40 dollars for a new pair of jeans when I can get a pair for less than 10 in VEUC? I don't feel guilty in the least, and I hope it will teach my children to be thrifty, to recognize that material goods and status items aren't all that important.
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:58 PM   #8
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

definitely.

but I have found that I can't live in remorse. Remorse makes me a bad parent. It makes me want to give in to every thing the kiddo ever wants just to make up for what I couldn't give/do at an earlier time. And that's not good.

and remorse about things related to my child's birth and first months makes it hard for me to connect with other moms or feel secure about how we've survived.

so, yes, I have things that I wish so much I could change. but dwelling on them has proven to be the worst thing I can do. Moving forward and simply doing the best that I can do right now is better, I think.
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Old 08-22-2011, 10:24 PM   #9
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Payten&EmmersynsMommy View Post
Its not so much the grandparents buying stuff, but realizing what I couldnt do for my son back then what I do for my daughter now. Actually being the one to see firsts and stay home with her. Sorry guess I'm just having one of those down days. I mean I love him getting things and I treasure gifts for both him and her, it gives me a lil less to do and can take him to get icecream and things like that.
I TOTALLY, completely, 100% get exactly what you mean!

I got pg with my oldest when I was 17, I had JUST turned 18 when she was born. I graduated high school (actually, I had her just as my last semester ended.) I then went to work, and then college, and graduated college as well.

And now, she's going to be 16 in a few months. I have a 2yr old and a 11 month old. I am married, we have a house, DH is working full time, finishing up his last semester of school. I work still, but just part time, and even then, my shift is only 5 hours long, and everyone's only awake for 3ish of those 5 hours. I am home for my 2 young ones from when they wake up until just 3 hours (or less) before they go to bed. And, going forward, once DH has his degree, it's VERY likely that I will be able to stay home for good. I will be home for them after school, no after school care like DD1 had. I can bake cookies for them for an after school snack, never able to with DD1. And so on. They have each other to grow up with, DD1 grew up as an only.

I do sometimes feel bad that I couldn't give those things or opportunities to DD1. That she kinda just got tagged along as an accessory to my life.

But, I am slowly, VERY slowly, realizing that there are good things that are a part of DD1s life, that won't be for the younger ones. DD1 just went to Europe this summer, because of generous gifts from MIL and FIL, as well as my own parents, plus she saved and paid a portion and we did too. It's pretty unlikely really that DD2 and DD3 will have those opportunities. Being so close together, that sort of thing will be much less financially feasible. More importantly, MIL just recently passed away. DD1 got 10 years with her, DD2 only got 2, most of which she spent afraid of her due to "stranger anxiety." And DD3 will be a year old in September. Neither of them will ever get to know their grandmother. DD1 enjoys a special relationship with her other grandparents, something that grew out of spending so much time with them while I was in school, while I was trying to build a life as a single mom. DD2 and 3 will still have a great relationship with my parents too, but it will, out of necessity, be different.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, there are things I can give DD2 and 3, that I wasn't able to give DD1. But there are also things that DD1 has had in her life, but the other two won't have the chance at.

And, as I am realizing, that's life. That's really just the way life is. It was really no different in my own family despite the fact that my siblings and I were all close in age. There are things my parents were able to do for and give to my youngest sister that they weren't able to do for or give to me, simply because I was the oldest and they were dealing with four of us, vs dealing with my sister and 3 other adult or nearly adult children. Even outside of families...life and opportunities and such, they are all different for EVERYONE. That's just how it is. Life hands each individual person their own unique set of circumstances to deal with and grow up with. And unfortunately, as much as we as parents like to keep things fair, we just can't make things always exactly equal for all our children.

Or at least that's what I tell myself when I start to get a big down about it. I just don't want any of my kids to feel like they were loved less.
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Old 08-22-2011, 10:47 PM   #10
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Re: Do you ever feel bad bout things you couldnt/cant do

My husband has had two very different parenting experiences. He had his first child at 19 and his latest one in his 40's (obviously two different moms) and there are lots of advantages to having kids young and lots having them when you are older. Kids don't need lots of material things and most kids are far happier with a mom/parents who love them over having lots of material things. In all honestly, we could do more, but we have what we need, and often, you are teaching them far better by being modest/not a grand lifestyle and setting strong values in money/budgeting and other things. When they are young, they don't have a clue and hopefully by the time its really an issue - teenager, you will be in a position to reasonably provide. Just remember they love you regardless of if they are wearing $8 sneakers and $100 sneakers. To me you are far better off putting that extra, when you have it away for college or other necessities that are going to be far more valuable to your child's future (or investing it in you so you can better do for them).

Don't be down! Your kids love you are you are absolutely the best mom to them.
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