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Old 09-22-2011, 11:35 PM   #1
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This really sucks...

I've been sitting in ds room since 7:30pm and it's now 10:30pm trying to get him in bed. I got him in bed (at 9:30) but he woke up crying 30 minutes later. I'm so frustrated with it taking so long for him to go to bed. I have no time in the evening to relax. CIO isn't going to work for him. I tried a few times last week and he gets that "I'm so mad I'm never going to sleep" cry. I just can't do it to him but I really would like for him to be able to go to sleep on his own. I was prepared for the 2-3 hour marathons in the early weeks but at 6 months?????

The bottles DH have been begging for are really starting to tempt me...and they never did before. I love nursing him but this is starting to drive me insane.

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Old 09-23-2011, 12:00 AM   #2
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11pm and I gave up and went to bed with him. I put him in his crib while I brushed my teeth and went potty and he screamed like crazy. Now in bed with me he's wide awake and ready to play. He's full b/c he's not trying to nurse anymore. Aaaagggggghhhhhh!!!
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:02 AM   #3
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Will your ds fall asleep in a carrier? Some evenings that is the only way for me to get anything done (besides killing time or checking emails on my phone.)
Then when I am ready to go to bed I change him into his night diaper and he co-sleeps with me.
I still often try to get him to sleep in bed (my bed) and then get back up and do stuff but last night it was 20-30 minutes in bed, 2-15 minutes out, repeat. I would fold half a basket of laundry and he would be fussing again.
It can be frustrating now but won't last forever. All 3 of my boys have been similar. I like to remember a line from a poem I read in a LLL book:
Quiet down cobwebs, dust - go to sleep
I'm nursing my baby, and babies don't keep.
I think this baby is my last. Some day I will long to go back to these days.

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Old 09-23-2011, 08:05 AM   #4
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Re: This really sucks...

The key to CIO is consistency.

May I ask how you've tried CIO? I mean what was your plan?
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:52 AM   #5
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Re: This really sucks...

BTDT. Any chance he's teething? Has he just started sitting unsupported, crawling, pulling up, etc? DD occassionally goes through a phase where it will take me hours to get her to sleep (and even then I have to time it JUST RIGHT). And then wakes right back up an hour later crying like her heart's broken.
Is DH home at night? Would it be possible for him to rock baby for a while? Not that it's a CIO thing, or a "can't be hungry" thing... but YOU know YOUR baby. If you know there's no way he's hungry... maybe someone who doesn't smell like milk will be more calming.
I swear there are nights I will nurse and rock DD for 2 hours... DH rocks her, reads an article off SI.com, and she's out in 15 mins flat. Daddy magic.
they really will go back to sleeping soundly, though... god only knows when, but it WILL happen... GL
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Old 09-23-2011, 10:30 AM   #6
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He will sleep in a carrier so I wear him for all his naps. With him rolling and on the verge of crawling I don't want to leave him on the bed even for a minute. I co-sleep in the guest bed with him and it's high off the floor. I'd prefer he start in his crib. DH and i need our space together!

As far as how I've tried CIO, I've tried at naps and at bedtime. I soothe him by nursing and lay him down when he's pretty drowsy. Often he's taken himself off and asleep but not in a deep sleep. He likes to sleep on his tummy so I lay him down and roll him over but he'll roll onto his back and start kicking and crying, then he'll roll back onto all fours, rock back and forth and scream. I've tried to check on him every few minutes, shush him, pat his bottom, rub his back, sing to him, he just screams until I pick him up. The few times I've tried it I did that for up to 40 minutes. I just couldn't take it anymore. I did it several days in a row and the last was just as horrible as the first.

What should I do differently? I hate to let him cry that long but I just need him to go to sleep easier. My older kids got bottles so DH put them to bed so I always had a nice evening. And they went to bed great but took maybe 30 minutes for them and they were out. That's why I'm tempted by the bottles!
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Old 09-23-2011, 10:44 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DottieHarley
BTDT. Any chance he's teething? Has he just started sitting unsupported, crawling, pulling up, etc? DD occassionally goes through a phase where it will take me hours to get her to sleep (and even then I have to time it JUST RIGHT). And then wakes right back up an hour later crying like her heart's broken.
Is DH home at night? Would it be possible for him to rock baby for a while? Not that it's a CIO thing, or a "can't be hungry" thing... but YOU know YOUR baby. If you know there's no way he's hungry... maybe someone who doesn't smell like milk will be more calming.
I swear there are nights I will nurse and rock DD for 2 hours... DH rocks her, reads an article off SI.com, and she's out in 15 mins flat. Daddy magic.
they really will go back to sleeping soundly, though... god only knows when, but it WILL happen... GL
He has started getting on all fours, about to crawl and he could be teething, but this has been going on since day 1. He's never NOT taken 2+ hours to put to bed. I guess I'm just getting worn out from it. And the fact that once I do get him down, he's waking soon after or if he stays asleep it's only about 4 hours.

And DH is home at night and has tried to help but ds won't have it. He screams until I take him. He's a total mamas boy and wants nothing to with dad or anyone else. I cannot leave him in any nursery.
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:21 PM   #8
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Re: This really sucks...

With a personality like his, I don't know that CIO would work or at least, not well. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of CIO. There is too much evidence for me that it creates a break in trust between baby and mama and there are long term consequences.... Its not for everyone and I honestly don't think it should be for any baby but I know that some mom's like it. I've seen some really negative behaviors come from it and I just think you need to be really informed before you go down that route to make sure that is what you are okay with.

I know that its frustrating to have a baby that is so in need of you and it can be overwhelming. I think you should get Dad more involved. Most nights I nurse LO to sleep but some nights I nurse him and he gets drowsy and then for whatever reason, won't nod off. Daddy takes over then and rocks, pats, walks or does whatever to help LO go to sleep. I get a break and Dad is confident that he has the ability to soothe baby, too. You sound like you're getting burned out. You need support and help but its okay to ask for it on your terms. If you want help in a certain way, say so and sometimes its necessary to teach our partners how they can help us best. It takes time and patience. It won't happen in one night but you need to get a break sometimes.

I really like The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. His philosophies are congruent with attachment parenting but he's very realistic and encourages parents to be flexible and open-minded to new ideas. I've done lots of different things and we've changed things up as LO has grown to suit everyone's needs. I think that is just kinda how parenting is. We need to be flexible and sometimes change because our LO's are changing all the time and needing different things but to let them just CIO means you ignore some needs and you may find that the results are challenging in their own way.

GL, Mama! I know its rough but it WILL pass! Hang in there!
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Old 09-23-2011, 02:15 PM   #9
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Re: This really sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by colin-mylilguy View Post
With a personality like his, I don't know that CIO would work or at least, not well. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of CIO. There is too much evidence for me that it creates a break in trust between baby and mama and there are long term consequences.... Its not for everyone and I honestly don't think it should be for any baby but I know that some mom's like it. I've seen some really negative behaviors come from it and I just think you need to be really informed before you go down that route to make sure that is what you are okay with.

I know that its frustrating to have a baby that is so in need of you and it can be overwhelming. I think you should get Dad more involved. Most nights I nurse LO to sleep but some nights I nurse him and he gets drowsy and then for whatever reason, won't nod off. Daddy takes over then and rocks, pats, walks or does whatever to help LO go to sleep. I get a break and Dad is confident that he has the ability to soothe baby, too. You sound like you're getting burned out. You need support and help but its okay to ask for it on your terms. If you want help in a certain way, say so and sometimes its necessary to teach our partners how they can help us best. It takes time and patience. It won't happen in one night but you need to get a break sometimes.

I really like The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. His philosophies are congruent with attachment parenting but he's very realistic and encourages parents to be flexible and open-minded to new ideas. I've done lots of different things and we've changed things up as LO has grown to suit everyone's needs. I think that is just kinda how parenting is. We need to be flexible and sometimes change because our LO's are changing all the time and needing different things but to let them just CIO means you ignore some needs and you may find that the results are challenging in their own way.

GL, Mama! I know its rough but it WILL pass! Hang in there!

Thanks for the encouragement and info. It's so hard to know the "right" thing to do. I have a MIL saying CIO won't hurt him, a DH that is convinced a bottle of formula at night will just MAGICALLY have him sleeping wonderfully and be happy to go into a nursery, others saying CIO isn't good. I don't really like CIO either. The few times I've tried it, I felt horrible. Like you said I am just burnt out. It's just hard that DH really can't help. He's tried, but all he does is sit the chair and try to rock him with a pacifier crammed in his mouth while ds screams. I've tried to offer suggestions of different things to try, but in the stress of a screaming baby, he gets frustrated and just hands him back to me since I'm telling him what to do. He tried one day to lay on the couch with him, but it was OBVIOUS DS was not wanting to nap. I suggested playing on the floor with him. DS was still screaming while I was trying to do some things so I went back in and just took him from DH. DH got frustrated but he wasn't doing anything. I finally just put ds in his crib while I did some things and he just played and rolled around. DH just doesn't know what to do with a fussy baby but give a pacifier or a bottle and if that isn't working he just hands him off to me and claims he "can't do anything with him" and it's all my fault because I'm breastfeeding.

The whole bottle discussion has driven me crazy because I have stood firm on no bottles, but now that I am wearing down, giving a bottle is becoming tempting, but I am feeling pretty prideful and stubborn because I will feel like my DH and MIL have "won" by me giving in to a bottle. But at the same time, if it really did help DH to be able to soothe him and get him to bed and give me a chance to catch a break, then I should let that pride go. But part of me just thinks it won't help. I just don't know what to do.

I don't know why the no bottle/no formula thing is such a big deal to me. My older 2 got a bottle of formula before bed early on, and they did sleep, and they did go into nurseries and would let anyone care for them. But because of their nightly bottle and STTN, it affected my supply and even with pumping I was unsure, so I gave more and more bottle to where they weaned by 4 months. I didn't want to do bottles with them either but I gave in. This time I did more of an on demand, babywearing, co-sleeping, never let him go philosophy. While it helped me have a great supply and nursing him has been easy and everything I wanted it to be. I had said I wanted to nurse him a year and do no formula. So, I guess I feel like I will be failing if I give in and don't meet my goal. I know I shouldn't look at it that way and that what's important is that he get fed, rest, and I need to be rested. I LOVE LOVE LOVE nursing him all throughout the day. It's so easy, I don't have to pack bottles and formula and such. I don't even mind the MOTN feeds, we co-sleep so I just sleep through it. It's fun waking up to his smiling face. It's just the bedtime marathon that is becoming unenjoyable for me.

I have a friend that has had to supplement from the beginning, but she nurses through the day and he gets one bottle of formula before bed. She doesn't pump and she said she hasn't had to and that he's maintained one bottle of formula. I think he still wakes once at night to nurse, so her supply the rest of the day is fine.

If I could be sure that this would help, then I would be willing to go for it. I would rather give him a bottle of formula and let DH help than do CIO. I don't know mamas. What would you do??
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:42 PM   #10
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Re: This really sucks...

You went almost from one extreme to the other and that's hard because you have expectations of all the good things from both situations. That's totally a normal thing to do but its just not realistic. (Sorry... I'm not trying to burst your bubble!) I think you need to just make sure that what you're doing is meeting your over-all goal - whatever that is. If you're not happy with something, make changes till you feel comfortable with it. I really do think your husband needs to learn how to soothe baby w/o a bottle or a paci. To be totally honest, I think its silly when men say they "can't" soothe the baby. IMHO, they aren't really trying. They get frustrated (just like us) and impatient (just like us) and then they dump the baby on mom (just like... oh wait, nope. Not like us. Ha!) In a nice way, try to talk to your husband and explain to him that this is important for you and for baby. Let him know how you feel and let him know that this is an opportunity for him to bond with baby. In a nice way and at a time when you're not frustrated with a crying LO, show him some of your soothing techniques. Teach him the "tricks of the trade" and help him practice when baby is in a good mood. He might act like he doesn't want to try but after he has a couple good experiences, he'll realize that he CAN soothe baby and that it is a very sweet reward to get a baby to sleep.

Just tonight, I laid down with LO in bed and he nursed but didn't fall asleep. He was having an "off night" maybe because of teething... who knows. I was exhausted and stressed. Daddy wanted to watch a football game and I tried to let him but finally I just needed a break (LO has been really cranky all. day. long. and it was wearing on me) so guess what? Hubby had to suck it up and be a good husband and daddy - he missed a huge chunk of the game while he was rocking, patting, laying with LO in bed, etc... finally LO went to sleep, though and my dear sweet husband came out with the biggest smile on his face. "Success!" he said to me as he plopped down on the couch beside me. lol He was so proud of himself and I know that these little successes are important for them. They are important for me and I need the break for my sanity. You need a break once in a while, too but you gotta speak up. Its just part of the give and take in a marriage. Bottles probably aren't the solution for breastfeeding success but if that's what it takes for you to get a break, then so be it. I'm not sure LO will go to sleep easily that way since he hasn't done it this way so far but you never know.

To keep things in perspective, though, I really do think this is a phase and won't last forever. I know that doesn't help right now but sometimes we have to keep our eye on the finish line and not look at each trudging step we take along the way, kwim? You'll get there.

Another thing I remind myself of is that I'm not perfect and my LO has to put up with me & my imperfections on a daily basis. Surely I can put up with his and be patient and loving when he does strange things that I don't really enjoy.

Hang in there, Mama! You're in a tough spot right now but it WILL get better. You'll find a solution that works for everyone and you'll get through it. I really do understand your frustration. You are doing the very best things for your LO and it is SO worth it! I promise!

P.S. I think its easy for others to tell you to do CIO but when it feels unnatural to Mom, I think that is a red flag, something isn't right. Follow your instincts. If you're not comfortable with something, don't do it. There are so many other ways and you'll find one that works. Parenting isn't easy but the rewards are incredible and worth the effort! You're a great Mama and your LO is lucky to have you doing so many great things for him.
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