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Old 06-09-2006, 12:42 AM   #1
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conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

This issue in particular is about nighttime parenting/sleeping, but in general my dh and I have differing parenting styles.
I am very mellow and laid back, a very attached type mom. My dh is more rigid, more of a rules sort of guy, he believes things are 'supposed' to be a certain way. We honestly conflict alot of the time, but since I am the primary caregiver for our children, he pretty much gives in to my way most of the time. Oddly enough he is also proud of my parenting and will tell anyone who will listen what a great mom I am

So on to the conflict. I am a bit upset here so sorry if this post sounds rantlike!

We dont cosleep. Dh is SO adamantly against it. I have never been able to so much as cuddle one of my babies at bedtime without having to deal with a full on screaming match with dh. He has 'issues' with sleep, always had. He is a very light sleeper and has a hard time staying asleep. He often gets about 5 or 6 hours of sleep and wakes up at around 4 alot of days because he cant sleep. That is why he claims he doesnt want our dd in bed with us.

As much as I hate it, I can generally accept that co sleeping wont work for us. W are SO lucky to have a dd who sleeps incredibly well through the night. ost of the time she goes to bed from 7pm to 7am. Because of her usual nighttime habits it hasnt been as big of an issue.

The problem comes in when she does wake up. Sometimes, maybe once or twice a month, she wakes up (like she did tonight) with a poopy diaper. She usually goes back to sleep but this is where dh and I butt heads

So on these nights when she does wake up, I want to bring her in bed with us so she can fall back asleep. I just love the feeling of cuddling with my baby and having her snuggle into me to sleep. I rarely have those moments, and honestly I really miss them. I feel like its a fair compromise that when she wakes up, and she needs us, she should be able to come to bed with us. Regularly she sleeps in her crib, but whens he wakes up at night she should be welcome in our bed. Dh wants no part of it. He gets angry, starts threatening to leave, yells (therefore waking up our other dd) claims I am insensitive because I dont have sleep issues, and I dont care about him at all, blah blah blah. Now I know part of this is sleep deprivation, but whatever... I think he needs to get over it. I think i am being fair.

He feels that she should be in her own bed and under NO circumstances should she come in bed with us. Ever. Even in a few years when she is a toddler who has a bad dream and wants to come in bed with us. Nope! What am I supposed to say? Too bad hunny sorry your terrified go back to your own bed daddy doesnt want you here?

I told him that the rest of us should not have to suffer because he has sleep issues, that if its that bad that he cannot have his infant daughter in bed once a month then he needs to see a doctor about it or take sleeping pills or something. He wont even have this conversation with me. He gets Irate about the situation and we cannot have a conversation about it that does not end in yelling.

I am so p#ssed I cant sleep. How would you handle this situation? Do you think I am being insensitive? I dont want to paint the 'bad dh' picture, generally he is a good guy, but of course we tend to talk about the bad more than the good so that certainly wouldnt be evident from this post!

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Old 06-09-2006, 01:52 AM   #2
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

I love the fact that DH is so on board BUT baby ieterh cospleeps or not. gtb it igether dh nd relkie kife is never the samesys the pumpimg womn. give us the in
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Old 06-09-2006, 09:17 PM   #3
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

I really got lucky that my ex husband was just as interested on things as I was. The things he didn't agree on or found he didn't like he just pretty much left up to me and would have his comments but still let me do my thing thankfully. The only thing I could say is to just keep giving him more information about how what you want to do and choose to do is right and how it benifits them and keep trying
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Old 06-09-2006, 09:22 PM   #4
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

I know some women who have put a twin size air mattress in the baby's room and have laid down in there - could you do that to get the baby back to sleep? You get the cuddle time and H gets the sleep time and then you could put the baby back in the crib when she goes back to sleep, or you stay there with her for a bit. I don't cosleep either - I'm the bad sleeper! LOL - so I'm not sure if that suggestion would even work.
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Old 06-09-2006, 09:48 PM   #5
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

my dad was a light sleeper, so my mom put a bed in my room when I was a baby for these occassions, she also said it was easier since she was an extended bf'er. We don't cosleep because dh moves around a lot in his sleep, sleepwalks, night terrors, etc (heck I should move in my sons room lol). But with everything else, I have the say in raising my son since I'm the one who's home with him all the time. I hope something works out for you!
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Old 06-09-2006, 10:00 PM   #6
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelolsen-and-Padawan
I know some women who have put a twin size air mattress in the baby's room and have laid down in there - could you do that to get the baby back to sleep? You get the cuddle time and H gets the sleep time and then you could put the baby back in the crib when she goes back to sleep, or you stay there with her for a bit. I don't cosleep either - I'm the bad sleeper! LOL - so I'm not sure if that suggestion would even work.
This is a good idea! With my older dd she only slept in the crib for a few months and went straight to a full size bed... so there was plenty of room for me to crawl in bed with her as needed. I might invest in a futon or something so that we can all be happy.

Mostly, Dh goes with the flow as far as my parenting style, and usually he even practices these things because he sees how well adjusted the kids are but this is one area where he just will not budge!
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Old 06-09-2006, 10:06 PM   #7
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

I hope that works out
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Old 06-09-2006, 11:49 PM   #8
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

I told my DH if he didn't like it I hope he enjoyed sleeping by himself because I was going to sleep with my DD in her room.

I do co-sleep and my DH has adjusted to it. I am the one with sleep problems and with the co-sleeping I get the most sleep. My DH after only a couple of nights of my DD sleeping in a cradle on the other side of the room and me becomeing increasingly pissy from lack of sleep gave in. I have very high need children at night. THey are great during the day but at night they nurse every 1 1/2 - 2 hours all night long. I could never sleep if I had to get up, walk down the hall, pick the child up, go sit in a chair, nurse, put child back in bed 30 min. later head back to my room lay down fight to go to sleep, fall aleep 45 min to an hour later and get right back up as soon as I fell asleep.

I say just set a bed up in her room and sleep in there on nights that you want to cuddle. I would never have let my DH tell me flat out no. But that is me and I am the dominate personality in the house. otherwise known as the Alpha.
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Old 06-10-2006, 12:40 AM   #9
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

Yeah, DH needs his sleep and so do you and dd. The best way to work around this is to put up a bed in dd's room.

My DH was never the type to co-sleep. When ds was a little baby until he was 15 mos or so he was in our bed off and on. Dh wasn't pleased but since I stayed on my side and tried my best to not to wake him we were ok.

It was so nice now that I look back on it. I loved having him that close to me because I couldn't breast feed. That was "our time" because we didn't get to share the breast feeding time.

If I ever EVER have another I will do it the same way only a little more if I can get away with it! LOL
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Old 06-10-2006, 01:06 AM   #10
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Re: conflict in parenting styles, wwyd? Advise?

No, I don't think you're being insensitive. Yes, all of you need your sleep that's true. However, since your husband won't let you co-sleep, what you're doing is a fine compromise to me. If he dosn't like it...frankly I'd tell him to stuff it. Sounds rude and blunt yes....but your child's needs are important. The suggestions of perhaps a mattress on the floor could certainly work.....if it got bad enough, perhaps co-sleep with her on the mattress.

My husband has his sleep issues too....we could co-sleep if we had a bigger bed but since we don't, there's no room for husband, son, and me in our bed sadly. I've taken to getting ds into bed early in the morning, once husband has gotten all or most of his sleep, that way we're not interfering.
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