How to tell midwife I want UAC?

[angelarose]

I feel really disempowered as a consumer, not just in this instance but in other ones. For some reason, even though I am paying for a service, I feel like the service provider is doing me a favor and get anxiety about attempting to negotiate and walking if my needs aren't met. I am hoping someone can offer up some advice on how to approach this situation or at least offer a different perspective on what I should do.

So with my first childbirth I had unassisted prenatal and childbirth. This time I feel that I would like prenatal care from a professional. I went to an OB/GYN I was familiar with and didn't feel totally comfortable with the first check-up because I didn't have the courage to tell him I preferred not to have a vaginal exam and I also got the feeling he would not be on the same page with other issues because he and the nurse both emphatically stated it was time to stop nursing my 2 year old, when that wasn't even a question or topic up for discussion in my opinion. I feel it is a personal choice, not medical.

Anyway, I was also familiar with a local mid-wife who I felt seemed a lot more personal and also in support of most of my choices. I had a first pre-natal with her and everything went well, but I asked her at our initial meeting how she felt about providing ONLY pre-natal and post-natal care and she didn't explicitly say no, but steered the conversation to one about her being there but being very hands off during the labor, like staying in the other room. At first this was a thought that was worth considering but now after thinking about it, I really do feel that without any high risk factors, I would prefer only myself and husband present during labor and delivery.

I guess I feel awkward about having the conversation with her. I don't know what her cost breakdown is for each component of her services but I looked at a paper from her to be submitted to insurance which stated labor and delivery at $2000. The total cost for her services is $4000 oop for us, and I asked her if somehow she didn't attend the labor and delivery would we get a refund and she said no. I want to ask her if we can arrange prenatal and postnatal care and agree that she won't be called for labor and delivery, but feel that she might be offended or strongly disapprove. I already paid a $500 retainer fee and honestly don't want to change midwives.

Thanks

[newmommy13]

i would think that as a midwife, that kind of arrangement would make me nervous for many reasons but definitely from a legal/liability standpoint. you can always just not notify her when you go into labor, deliver by yourself and call her when the baby is born but i wouldn't expect a change in her fees. i also think she might know what you were up to after asking about it.

you have to think, from her perspective, being attended by a midwife is optimal and important and something she really values.

[Leah52]

Originally Posted by newmommy13 i would think that as a midwife, that kind of arrangement would make me nervous for many reasons but definitely from a legal/liability standpoint. you can always just not notify her when you go into labor, deliver by yourself and call her when the baby is born but i wouldn't expect a change in her fees. i also think she might know what you were up to after asking about it. you have to think, from her perspective, being attended by a midwife is optimal and important and something she really values.

This. My midwife would think I didn't trust her or that I wanted to pay her "just in case" but didn't really feel like I needed her. The fee you pay is not just for the service she gives on your birth day, it is for her time and leaving her schedule open for you. Unless she is a midwife who specifies that she will do prenatals only for UC families then I wouldn't expect a price reduction or her willingness to do it.

ETA: I know you didn't ask for personal opinions on what you have chosen but I would rather forgo prenatals and have a trained person there at the delivery than the other way around. (oh, and since it's not advertised in my siggy we do home birth )

[angelarose]

Originally Posted by newmommy13 i would think that as a midwife, that kind of arrangement would make me nervous for many reasons but definitely from a legal/liability standpoint. you can always just not notify her when you go into labor, deliver by yourself and call her when the baby is born but i wouldn't expect a change in her fees. i also think she might know what you were up to after asking about it. you have to think, from her perspective, being attended by a midwife is optimal and important and something she really values.

hmmm, that is kind of what I thought her thinking may be, along the legal/liability standpoint. I don't understand how making an agreement to provide pre-natal care would obligate her to be responsible for labor and delivery. Is that a law or something that I don't know about?

Do you think $4000 is a reasonable amount to pay for pre-natal and a post-natal check-up?

[Leah52]

Originally Posted by angelarose hmmm, that is kind of what I thought her thinking may be, along the legal/liability standpoint. I don't understand how making an agreement to provide pre-natal care would obligate her to be responsible for labor and delivery. Is that a law or something that I don't know about? Do you think $4000 is a reasonable amount to pay for pre-natal and a post-natal check-up?

I think that is a bit steep. My midwife is $2500 and that includes a doula and she is high for this area.

[angelarose]

Originally Posted by Leah52 This. My midwife would think I didn't trust her or that I wanted to pay her "just in case" but didn't really feel like I needed her. The fee you pay is not just for the service she gives on your birth day, it is for her time and leaving her schedule open for you. Unless she is a midwife who specifies that she will do prenatals only for UC families then I wouldn't expect a price reduction or her willingness to do it.

Thank you. That actually makes a lot of sense. I don't mind paying the full amount as long as I feel I am not paying for a service I am not getting, as you stated it isn't just for the service but her availability. Also, if I plan on not calling her for labor and delivery, I would absolutely be up-front about it, not say it was an "oops". I would hope she wouldn't take it personally, considering I already expressed to her that I prefer to labor alone.

[angelarose]

Originally Posted by Leah52 I think that is a bit steep. My midwife is $2500 and that includes a doula and she is high for this area.

I know of midwives who charge around that in this area but I had already "committed" to this midwife and have a few reasons that I want to stick with her. The first being, back in May I was pregnant and she spent a lot of time with me and did an ultrasound which caused her to suspect a blighted ovum. She referred me to a specialist who confirmed it. She didn't charge me a nickel with no idea if I would ever return. I thought that spoke volumes about her character and how she conducted her business.

Honestly, it isn't really about the dollar amount but I don't like to think I am paying for a service I won't receive. As a pp stated, I guess I am not just paying for the service but also her time and availability.

[angelarose]

Originally Posted by Leah52 ETA: I know you didn't ask for personal opinions on what you have chosen but I would rather forgo prenatals and have a trained person there at the delivery than the other way around. (oh, and since it's not advertised in my siggy we do home birth )

Yes it would seem there is more risk for things to go awry during delivery than pregnancy, but I have this inherent urge to be completely alone during labor (not necessarily delivery). I keep thinking "what if she says she is hands-off but when it comes down to it, is just the opposite", that would be a nightmare, I honestly think it would hinder the birth process for me, make it more painful, and possibly lead to complications. In the past I have recognized that I deal very poorly with emotional stress, to the point where it very easily affects my physical health...

[Leah52]

Originally Posted by angelarose Yes it would seem there is more risk for things to go awry during delivery than pregnancy, but I have this inherent urge to be completely alone during labor (not necessarily delivery). I keep thinking "what if she says she is hands-off but when it comes down to it, is just the opposite", that would be a nightmare, I honestly think it would hinder the birth process for me, make it more painful, and possibly lead to complications. In the past I have recognized that I deal very poorly with emotional stress, to the point where it very easily affects my physical health...

Maybe you could talk to her about what you need, even get her to sign something that says she will not touch you or whatever without you asking her to? I have used the same midwife for 10 years and she is a personal friend but I can imagine it is harder dealing with someone you don't really know.

[USMCgirl_05]

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