Diaper Swappers

bluecandi · 01-13-2012, 04:50 PM

I use to think fostering was something we were absolutely going to do but now Im starting to have some mixed feelings on it.

Mainly, Im concerned with increasing problems with attachment. Like if a kid gets attached to me and then they have to go to another home. I will feel as though I am allowing this child to be damaged or something.

Can anyone offer some insight on these feelings?

newmommy13 · 01-14-2012, 08:31 AM

dp whoops!

newmommy13 · 01-14-2012, 08:31 AM

you wouldn't be allowing or causing any damage. if they aren't at your foster home they will be at another one or maybe even a group home. bad things happen to good kids and they need support from someone stable and caring, not only for support at that time, but also as a model for future behavior. if a person has never seen the way a "normal" family functions then later on in life they will never know how to create that for themselves. thats why its often such a difficult cycle to break.

and good luck with whatever you choose. i'm really scared that dh/dd and i will get too attached to the kiddo and they will be returned to family. it is a chance you have to take in this business! its hard to separate the best interest of the kiddo from our own too, i know in many cases it would be in a kids best interest to return to family, but it would be hard. i've said this before, but there are plenty of chances taken in pregnancy as well, and these kids are really needing help. it is hard to lose a kid any way it happens.

Chris10 · 01-14-2012, 05:16 PM

I look at it like if they aren't in my home, they will be in another, possibly less than great, home. There are a lot of foster homes that treat the children poorly, so at least I know when they are in my home they are fed, cleaned and loved. If DSS chooses to move a child, that is not your fault. Good homes cause less moves, and thus less attachment issues for the kids.

WynneBabies · 01-14-2012, 08:24 PM

It is really tough. We had a placement since birth (3 days) and the county chose to move her to the home that adopted her now 8yo bio sister when she was nearing 3.5 months old. In the scheme of things, she was very young, bur she still has gone through a major transition and shown signs of depression. (I keep in contact with the new mom.) Breaks my heart, but was not my fault. She is in a great home and I know she has bonded to her new mom, but she definitely reacted to the change. It really does take a special person to do this and we're still struggling with it.

sunnymommy · 01-22-2012, 09:28 PM

I haven't had any long term foster placements that left, so perhaps I would feel differently. But, right now the way I look at it is if you are not going to attach to the child than you are not the right person to foster parent! The kids absolutely need someone who is attached to them and whom they can attach to. I hear so often, "I thought about fostering but am afraid I would get too attached" and I don't think that makes any sense if we are thinking about what's best for the child. It is much better for children to experience / know how to form positive attachments even if they are later broken than to not attach. It is how children develop. If they haven't been given the chance to attach to even a temporary caregiver than they have difficulty forming an attachment to even a permanent one (thus reactive attachment disorder).

Msheidiann · 01-22-2012, 10:23 PM

I think you have to be able to fully attach a d let them attach to you. We were in a slam dunk adoption situation that didn't turn out that way. He went to live with grandma...BUT, we attached FULLY to this baby and I have recently read that the first 4 months are he most important in teaching trust and love to a baby. So, even in my heartbreak, I was able to see the reason behind him being with such a short time. These babies/kids NEED to be attached, they need the consistency, love, and support. I feel that my heartache was worth it...in the grand scheme.

anne_josh · 01-22-2012, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newmommy13

you wouldn't be allowing or causing any damage. if they aren't at your foster home they will be at another one or maybe even a group home. bad things happen to good kids and they need support from someone stable and caring, not only for support at that time, but also as a model for future behavior. if a person has never seen the way a "normal" family functions then later on in life they will never know how to create that for themselves. thats why its often such a difficult cycle to break.

This. It is a huge leap of faith to commit to a child who may not be yours forever. I hope that we can. I have the same fear as you.. basically, that losing them would be too hard.

newmommy13 · 01-23-2012, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anne_josh

This. It is a huge leap of faith to commit to a child who may not be yours forever. I hope that we can. I have the same fear as you.. basically, that losing them would be too hard.

I know this is the big hot topic among families considering foster adopt. But consider the number of pregnancies that end in miscarriage or stillbirth. There are risks in any choice you make to grow your family. I dont know for sure as i havent experienced a loss either way, but im much more willing to risk losing a placement than risk a pregnancy loss. My opinion might change if i was in that position, either way, but for now we are just doing the best we can and hoping for the best.

And i think that attachment for a child is different than an adult bonding with a kid. For a baby its who is feeding me, who answers my cry? Can i cry knowing that i will get a loving response? Do i get held and spoken to? I think (but i dont know, not yet fostered) that a foster parent can accomplish these things without getting fully attached themselves. Another mama used the term "loving caregiver mode" which i think is appropriate and can be accomplished without going into "mama bear mode" at least that is my hope.

Robin · 01-23-2012, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris10

I look at it like if they aren't in my home, they will be in another, possibly less than great, home. There are a lot of foster homes that treat the children poorly, so at least I know when they are in my home they are fed, cleaned and loved. If DSS chooses to move a child, that is not your fault. Good homes cause less moves, and thus less attachment issues for the kids.

Very well stated. Good homes make a big difference - be one of the good homes

01-13-2012, 04:50 PM	#1
bluecandi Registered Users Join Date: May 2010 Location: DFW, TX Posts: 2,018 Ratings: 15 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Having mixed feeling about fostering... I use to think fostering was something we were absolutely going to do but now Im starting to have some mixed feelings on it. Mainly, Im concerned with increasing problems with attachment. Like if a kid gets attached to me and then they have to go to another home. I will feel as though I am allowing this child to be damaged or something. Can anyone offer some insight on these feelings? __________________ Candice: mom to Eva (2008) and Avery (2010),and Someone New due June 2013RN/AF Wife to my Kyle On the road to being DEBT FREE!! ISO postpartum mamacloth and good nursing bras/tanks 40D/E

01-14-2012, 08:31 AM	#2
newmommy13 Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 7,548 Ratings: 104 Feedback: 100%	Re: Having mixed feeling about fostering... dp whoops! __________________ I, mama to dd A (3-08) and dfs J (10/11) hopeful pre-adoptive foster family Last edited by newmommy13; 01-14-2012 at 08:33 AM.

01-14-2012, 08:31 AM	#3
newmommy13 Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 7,548 Ratings: 104 Feedback: 100%	Re: Having mixed feeling about fostering... you wouldn't be allowing or causing any damage. if they aren't at your foster home they will be at another one or maybe even a group home. bad things happen to good kids and they need support from someone stable and caring, not only for support at that time, but also as a model for future behavior. if a person has never seen the way a "normal" family functions then later on in life they will never know how to create that for themselves. thats why its often such a difficult cycle to break. and good luck with whatever you choose. i'm really scared that dh/dd and i will get too attached to the kiddo and they will be returned to family. it is a chance you have to take in this business! its hard to separate the best interest of the kiddo from our own too, i know in many cases it would be in a kids best interest to return to family, but it would be hard. i've said this before, but there are plenty of chances taken in pregnancy as well, and these kids are really needing help. it is hard to lose a kid any way it happens. __________________ I, mama to dd A (3-08) and dfs J (10/11) hopeful pre-adoptive foster family Last edited by newmommy13; 01-14-2012 at 08:33 AM.

01-14-2012, 05:16 PM	#4
Chris10 Registered Users Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NC Posts: 758 Ratings: 15 Feedback: 100%	Re: Having mixed feeling about fostering... I look at it like if they aren't in my home, they will be in another, possibly less than great, home. There are a lot of foster homes that treat the children poorly, so at least I know when they are in my home they are fed, cleaned and loved. If DSS chooses to move a child, that is not your fault. Good homes cause less moves, and thus less attachment issues for the kids.

01-14-2012, 08:24 PM	#5
WynneBabies Registered Users Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: USA Posts: 6,297 Ratings: 219 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Having mixed feeling about fostering... It is really tough. We had a placement since birth (3 days) and the county chose to move her to the home that adopted her now 8yo bio sister when she was nearing 3.5 months old. In the scheme of things, she was very young, bur she still has gone through a major transition and shown signs of depression. (I keep in contact with the new mom.) Breaks my heart, but was not my fault. She is in a great home and I know she has bonded to her new mom, but she definitely reacted to the change. It really does take a special person to do this and we're still struggling with it. __________________ A SAHM to four long out of diapers (all used cloth for all or part of their diapering years) and a baby girl currently in cloth part time.