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Old 01-15-2012, 06:33 PM   #11
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

I had a similar situation early in my DH's deployment. I'm a SAHM so they're always here (except for DS1 at school and DS2 morning preschool 3 days/week). I was going crazy with no "me time" since I usually manage a few hours every week or two when DH is home. Then it occurred to me that I could find a babysitter for DS3 on the mornings that DS2 had preschool. I was so used to being home with the kids, that it hadn't even entered my mind until I was reading some posts from other military moms. It was so lovely to have some time to myself, but I felt so guilty about the money for it. But, DH told me that it was fine to spend some extra deployment $ on something to keep me sane. It's been a real sanity-saver! Don't feel guilty - enjoy whatever you can!

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Old 01-15-2012, 07:47 PM   #12
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

My heart goes out to all of you ladies.

Thank you for your responses! I'm sorry that you guys feel like this too, or have felt like this, too. But on the other hand it's good to see that I'm not alone.

I can totally see myself being a better mother if I could get some time to myself. I would probably feel very rejuvenated and much happier. I've got to get a plan together to make that happen soon!
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:03 PM   #13
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

Last year, and this year, I vowed to start putting myself first too. When you ride on an airplane, they tell you "in the event of an emergency, secure your oxygen mask first before helping others"...and I needed to start putting my mask on first.

But I still feel guilty when I take time for myself and not all the housework is done (never is!), but in the end, there will always be more housework, and more required of mommy, and if I DON'T take the time for me, I'll practically be a slave to my house and kids.
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:25 PM   #14
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

That's a great way to put it, Tina... and you're right.

That feeling of being a slave is really what made me finally post about this and ask for advice from other mamas! It sucks.
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:47 PM   #15
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I have the exact same issue, to the point where I would wear out my running shoes to the point of falling apart because I didn't want to spend the money on myself. My DH just told me I was being ridiculous and the next week a pair of new shoes showed up. Lol He's awesome about making sure I have me time, but I'm still racked with guilt over it. I work full time so I feel like I need to spend all my other time with the kids to make up for it. I never go out unless my DH makes me.
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:33 PM   #16
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I have the opposite problem with my DH. Not that he would ever give me a hard time about me time, or leaving the house dirty, or spending money on myself. But he's perfectly happy to let me run myself ragged taking care of our home and family while he plays fantasy football and goes out. I think he's a mommy matyr enabler....
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Old 01-16-2012, 04:15 AM   #17
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

I felt like I was just reading my life story right there. No joke. I bought myself a pair of SHOES (I haven't had new ones in over a year) and I cried about it. I just came home and cried. I could've bought my son some more summer clothes, or taken the kids out for ice cream. I am to the point where I don't spend money on myself, because I hate the guilt feeling afterwards!! I also don't have a lot of my "own" money. We live a tight budget, and since I don't work I still don't feel like I have a right to the money when we do have extra, even though my bf splits everything with me.

I have been trying to snap out of it for months, but no luck I keep thinking one day, I'll wake up and be happy doing something for myself, and not feel guilty going somewhere without one of the kids hanging on me!
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:11 AM   #18
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At least we know we are not alone. Hang in there and try to let the guilt melt away, you deserve nice things to!
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:31 AM   #19
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

It is true that you can turn your kids (and husband) into brats by modeling the martyrish behavior. It's not that they are bad people or you are bad people- it's that they internalize the expectations you have of yourself. If you always present yourself as having no rights to personal time or choices or physical stuff of your own, well, that's who they think of you as. It's important both for daughters and sons to see their mother as a person, a whole human being, and not just a walking incarnation of the role of Mommy. It's also important that you let them have a glimpse of your emotional life- ie not always pretending that everything is perfect. If you are sad or frustrated, let them see that process, so that you are a real human being. Like, "I am really tired of your temper tantrum and I am going out to buy those socks I need, and come back when I am a little calmer. I love you, and I'll see you in a little while."
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Old 01-16-2012, 09:12 AM   #20
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Re: I don't want to be a Mommy Martyr anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by mibarra View Post
I have the opposite problem with my DH. Not that he would ever give me a hard time about me time, or leaving the house dirty, or spending money on myself. But he's perfectly happy to let me run myself ragged taking care of our home and family while he plays fantasy football and goes out. I think he's a mommy matyr enabler....
See, that's my husband, too. He and I are going to sit down and have a long talk about that!


Quote:
Originally Posted by mikerenea55 View Post
I felt like I was just reading my life story right there. No joke. I bought myself a pair of SHOES (I haven't had new ones in over a year) and I cried about it. I just came home and cried. I could've bought my son some more summer clothes, or taken the kids out for ice cream. I am to the point where I don't spend money on myself, because I hate the guilt feeling afterwards!! I also don't have a lot of my "own" money. We live a tight budget, and since I don't work I still don't feel like I have a right to the money when we do have extra, even though my bf splits everything with me.

I have been trying to snap out of it for months, but no luck I keep thinking one day, I'll wake up and be happy doing something for myself, and not feel guilty going somewhere without one of the kids hanging on me!


Quote:
Originally Posted by elevee View Post
It is true that you can turn your kids (and husband) into brats by modeling the martyrish behavior. It's not that they are bad people or you are bad people- it's that they internalize the expectations you have of yourself. If you always present yourself as having no rights to personal time or choices or physical stuff of your own, well, that's who they think of you as. It's important both for daughters and sons to see their mother as a person, a whole human being, and not just a walking incarnation of the role of Mommy. It's also important that you let them have a glimpse of your emotional life- ie not always pretending that everything is perfect. If you are sad or frustrated, let them see that process, so that you are a real human being. Like, "I am really tired of your temper tantrum and I am going out to buy those socks I need, and come back when I am a little calmer. I love you, and I'll see you in a little while."
That's what I am afraid of. I want my son to grow up and help his partner out and give his partner a break, more than his dad gives me a break. I want my daughters to see that they can enjoy motherhood & be a mom but not be a slave who is always frustrated and running ragged.


Mickey Rabs, that was really sweet of your DH. It's interesting to see that both SAHM and WOHM moms feel this way!

Knodceo, I agree.
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