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Old 02-02-2012, 12:50 PM   #1
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DH has concerns

OK I mentioned in a previous post about DH and our desire to foster/adopt. DH is concerned about us getting a placement and then something happening to one of our girls. I can totally understand that because I had the same thoughts. His concerns stem from his foster family groing up. They have two bio daughters and took in a set of 4 brothers. Two of the brothers started "messing with" the daughters. Those two were sent to the boys home and the family wound up adopting the other two. Anyway, DH is concerned that a placement might try something with one or both of our young daughters. I explained it like this: We dont have to take a placement that is older, sexualized, or anything else we are uncomfortable with. He seemed ok with that. I think he is afraid that all of them are previous sexual abuse victims just waiting in the wings to molest our girls. I know they are not but I worry he will only be comfortable accepting babies.

Is there anything else I may have missed that might ease DH's mind??

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Old 02-02-2012, 01:16 PM   #2
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Re: DH has concerns

In all honesty, anything is a possibility and he is right to consider those factors. It does happen. These kids are in foster care for a reason. I think its great when people take teens, but that and the behavioral/mental health issues will be there. Personally with young girls, I'd stick to younger kids but it can also happen with younger kids experimenting as it was done to them and they don't know "better."
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Old 02-02-2012, 02:02 PM   #3
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Re: DH has concerns

We've been looking into fostering and I have already said we can only take birth to 2 or 3 mainly because of this. I'm sure it COULD still happen with a 3yo but I'm just not comfortable taking any kids older than that while our kids are still so young.
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Old 02-02-2012, 04:12 PM   #4
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Re: DH has concerns

Its a real concern. However, not all foster kids are monsters and you have complete control over your placements. If you are uncomfortable with something you say no. Its as easy as that! If he only wants to take babies just take babies.

Maybe check if you have a foster agency so you can attend a meeting. We are planning on doing that eventually lol! He might see that foster kids are like any other kid in many ways. Like i said, his concerns are valid. But not all foster kids are molesters.
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Old 02-02-2012, 06:12 PM   #5
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Re: DH has concerns

Frequently, the kids have been sexually abused, but the social workers don't know about it when the kids come into care. When kids first come into care, there is very little known about them. We will only take kids younger/smaller than our youngest.
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:25 PM   #6
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Re: DH has concerns

We learned in training on SA that the number one correlation for someone who becomes a sexual abuser is not having been abused as a child, but number of homes / placements irregardless of personal history of having been sexually abused or not. The higher the number of homes, the higher the correlation with perpetrating sexual abuse. Most people who were sexually abused as children do not become abusers themselves.

(We went to this specific training as dh had the exact same concern.)
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:01 PM   #7
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Re: DH has concerns

Also, just to point out girls can perp on girls as well.

I think you just have to train and prevent. You can do things like limit the age of placements, the nature of previous history and more. You can put baby monitors in your girls rooms.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:23 PM   #8
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Re: DH has concerns

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnymommy View Post
We learned in training on SA that the number one correlation for someone who becomes a sexual abuser is not having been abused as a child, but number of homes / placements irregardless of personal history of having been sexually abused or not. The higher the number of homes, the higher the correlation with perpetrating sexual abuse. Most people who were sexually abused as children do not become abusers themselves.

(We went to this specific training as dh had the exact same concern.)
thank you for sharing. very helpful info i will pass along to dh and do some more research on it.
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:05 AM   #9
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Re: DH has concerns

I would suggest getting younger children than yours. It would keep the proper power hierarchy in place.
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:14 AM   #10
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Re: DH has concerns

I would only take placements younger than your dd's. It would reduce the risk of such a thing happening. We only take infants.
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