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Old 02-21-2012, 10:26 AM   #1
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Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

So to sum it up DD's birthmom and I are close, have a great relationship, love her, think the world of her, and so on. At the beginning of the process she said she didn't want DD to know anything about her and didn't want any contact. Later before DD was born she said yes she did want pictures and letters. Then she wrote DD a letter about her reasons and all of that. Fast forward to DD being 18 months, she came up and visited DD. That was about a year ago.

She called this weekend. Wants us all go to an amusement park with her and her two kids this summer, so the kids can meet. Sounds good. We are totally fine with that. We end up talking for four hours. In that convo, she tells me that she does not want DD to know that she is her birthmom. I didn't really know what to say, so I just didn't address it.

It's not sitting well with me. Like she wants to just be known as a family friend or something. I really really do not want to lie to DD. And I have always thought that she would get to see pictures of her birthmom. It seems like something she would want. And what about the letter she wrote her? She signed it with her name. I want to respect her wishes, but not to the point of hiding things from my daughter.

DD is going to turn three this summer. We are going to start to have to have these conversations somewhat soon.

On a side note, she also mentioned that she was recently diagnosed bipolar with paranoid schizophrenic tendencies. And insinuated that we owed her for giving us DD. This makes me slightly nervous. Especially b/c she knows everything about us, where we live, where we work, etc. I don't think she would do anything, but geez what if she gets really mad at us and starts thinking we are evil or something. My ex BIL had schizophrenia and he started believing really really off the wall stuff and ended up killing someone (I'm not kidding).

Sorry this is long. Any opinions on how to handle this?

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Old 02-21-2012, 10:40 AM   #2
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

I do tend to worry and over think things. So feel free to let me know if this is really no big deal!
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:51 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

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Old 02-21-2012, 01:11 PM   #4
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

I agree with Beth... I think it would be wise to set your foot down and tell bio mom that you will not lie to your daughter about her part in the equation. So apparently her other children do not know that they're half sibs to your daughter, either?

I would be very, very nervous about where bio mom's psychiatric tendencies might take her too! I'd worry about her snatching your daughter or even murder when she gets into an unreasonable "mood".

I'm concerned about those things with our adopted baby too... for the very same reasons. His bio dad is incarcerated but his out-date is soon and he has some psychosis, bipolar, schizophrenia... etc. He's already threatened to track us down and get B back. His lawyer and DCS agreed that he's probably not full of hot air and most likely does intend to follow through on his threats.

Worrying is a big problem for me. I tend to overthink things and cross bridges we haven't even come to yet, so yep! I definitely understand where you're coming from.
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Old 02-21-2012, 01:23 PM   #5
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

Oh yes, her children know who my DD is. They are tweens and obviously were there throughout the pregnancy. I have met each of them several times since I took her to all doctor appointments.

I'm not super scared of her mental health. Up until now she's been very normal and pleasant. And still is. I just am slightly nervous I guess.
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Old 02-21-2012, 01:28 PM   #6
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

Beth I agree, I can't lie to her. I would hate for it to be like I betrayed her by pretending her birthmom is someone she is not. I never wanted there to be "the day I was told" and I kind of feel like that's what it would be. Hopefully she has a change of heart.

I'm thinking of writing her an email that explains how I feel.
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:06 PM   #7
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

Respect her wishes. I 100% agree with you but if that is what she wants it is ultimately her choice. If you know she has some serious mental health issues, proceed with caution and understanding but go and have a nice time.
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:31 PM   #8
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

It is your daughter and if you don't wish to lie to her then don't (I would not).
Your goal is to raise her to be honest, happy and healthy ect. If a bm makes it so you can't do that then maaybe that is an unhealty relationship to have??
I would sit down and talk to her since she sounds decent and talk to her about your concerns about who she is to your daughter and why you feel it is important that she knows.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:24 PM   #9
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

Wow thats a tough situation. I think beth was right, make it her choice how to proceed but make sure she understands that while you would love for her to be a part of your life you wont be hiding anything from your dd.

Dont worry about her getting a bipolar diagnosis until she gives you reason to worry. I cant speak for the schizophrenia aspect, but there are tons of people who have a BP diagnosis and were either misdiagnosed, are stable on meds, or are just super motivated to be normal. I hope one of these is true for your dds biomom!
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Old 02-21-2012, 09:51 PM   #10
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Re: Anyone had a change in the openness of their adoption?

Yeah, I wouldn't go for that either. But, I can see how she might be anxious/nervous about how it will play out with your dd. When you talk to her maybe try to explain that it will be easier for her and your daughter both if she just has always known. Then there won't be any worrying about when she finds out / how to tell her, etc. That it just really won't be a big deal to your dd at all; just something that seems normal to her.
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