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Old 02-11-2012, 01:16 PM   #11
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

so if I dont ask a what or why question can I ask how one without it annoying you?

feel free to ignore. I get what and why and have no problem with it so its nto said in a judging way here but I do have a question?

Would all the children reside with you? Would it be you and your Dh child? Would your kids interact with your SO and know that he is baby4s dad?

Im just wondering how this meshes without you all be in the same house or a unit for the kids.

Does that make any sense

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Old 02-11-2012, 01:38 PM   #12
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I find this fascinating. I really hope it works for you. I admit, I'm a little confused by it all, but as long as your happy and no one gets hurt.
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Old 02-12-2012, 08:38 AM   #13
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

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Would all the children reside with you? Would it be you and your Dh child? Would your kids interact with your SO and know that he is baby4s dad?
This is something yet to be worked out. Ideally we would all live together, knowing #4 is SO's child and everyone being honest and open about that. DH will treat the child like he does our children, as does SO with #1 &#2 when he's around. The kids all know that he is a grown up that is available for comfort/correction at all times. They follow directions from/can come to any of us at any time if they need something. Regardless of where everyone lives we will be clear about parentage while also not making an issue of it.

If we are not all living int he same house, once #4 is 2 we will share physical/legal custody. Before then SO will come to us/I will go to him as often as possible, and once the baby is big enough we'll start to have overnight/all weekend visits like any single dad would have. Make sure they establish a firm relationship and our family will just know that its normal for #4 to have "daddy time" that increases as they get older. SO has also allowed for the idea that 1-3 might get jealous about the baby getting to go away and stuff. He's willing to take any of them that want to be with him on his "visitation", regardless of any blood relation. Which is funny cause when one goes I am sure the others will want to, so I will probably end up going and we'll end up just sharing *me* and the kids...lol.

I guess it does seem a little crazy when you think about it. Not much more crazy than any couple sharing custody.
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Old 02-12-2012, 08:59 AM   #14
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

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I guess it does seem a little crazy when you think about it. Not much more crazy than any couple sharing custody.
right and thats why i was curious about the logistics
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Old 02-12-2012, 02:27 PM   #15
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Why don't you and DH try now? Then.. You and SO could after that baby comes he is divorced and all is settled?
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Old 02-12-2012, 03:29 PM   #16
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

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Why don't you and DH try now? Then.. You and SO could after that baby comes he is divorced and all is settled?
It's my stubborn decision not to TTC right now. MOstly, I want to avoid being pregnant all summer (again). Both my boys have been late summer/early fall. I want a spring baby next... and I want our DS2 to be closer to 2, and that will happen in july.

Plus, fertility doesn't return for me for at least a year PP.
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Old 02-12-2012, 06:35 PM   #17
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This is interesting.
It sounds like it has the potential to turn out so wonderful. It sounds like your S.O. is coming back where her belongs <3. How does his ex-wife feel about it? I hope she won't cause any trouble for the future kid(s).

As for everyone else, hopefully they would just treat it like any other relationship & treat all the kids the same. As long as you all are comfortable with it & it works for you, it should work for them as well!
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:01 PM   #18
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Is there a reason SO doesn't just move in with the family after the divorce? Seems like that would be simpler/better at least for the kids

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Old 02-12-2012, 07:45 PM   #19
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I have no advice because it kinda sounds like you have it kinda worked out. Just saying hi and i get it!
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Old 02-12-2012, 08:43 PM   #20
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

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Originally Posted by Beaners_Mom View Post
How does his ex-wife feel about it? I hope she won't cause any trouble for the future kid(s).
TMI warning... kinda venting.

XW is a *whole* different story. She never wanted to be poly. {side note, DH and I knew that 8 years ago, cause he was interested in her then and she told him clearly she was not into it.}
5 years ago when she and SO started dating it was with the intention of being *temporarily* monogamous to ensure her comfort while they got married and settled. It was clear to them and everyone else that He was never going to give up loving "others" (like myself) and so while we were all willing to work with her (and therapists and spiritual leaders, etc) on accommodating her in the short term, the clearly stated long-term goal was to get her to a place that she could accept that she was not *losing* love in a multiple-partner situation. Eventually, she realized that she was never going to be ok. Though she could regulate his behaviors, she could not regulate his emotions... and she gave up. She wanted to take their 2 yo son and never let him see his father.

{Side note #2: SO was Monogamous with her for the entirety of the relationship. Our only interactions were talking/texting and emailing and it was never sexually-motivated. And, for the last year we didn't even talk, as per her edict. She told him a year ago that she would file for divorce if he didn't promise to be monogamous and stop speaking to me/any other for at least the next 20 years. I encouraged him to do what she asked *though it broke my heart* and said I would love him from here and Couldn't wait to see him in 20 years.)

She has already tried/failed to add a clause to the custody arrangement that I am not allowed around her son.

I think the whole mess is so sad! Really. I would give anything for them to stay together peacefully. If they don't stay together though, I won't blame myself. I did everything she asked, and more, for 5 years, and still if you ask her, she is leaving cause she can't handle that she does not have sole residence in SO's heart. *Even when she knew about Poly before hand and chose to get involved anyway.*

So, no. If she finds out that SO and I are having a child it will cause more drama. But, she walked away and doesn't get to dictate his relationships for the rest of his life, and It's something we've wanted for longer than she has been involved.

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As for everyone else, hopefully they would just treat it like any other relationship & treat all the kids the same. As long as you all are comfortable with it & it works for you, it should work for them as well!
Hopefully. The ILs are southern Baptists and we have not explained our life to them. I would say that we would just not tell them and let them think #4 is DH's... but it will probably come out of one of the kids at some point and so it will have to be addressed b4 hand if we can. DH has given them some leading information from time to time and it won't come to them as a complete shock, but it will be hard to face them if they disprove and shun one of our kids, you know? Anyone else can think what they like... I don't worry about it.

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Is there a reason SO doesn't just move in with the family after the divorce? Seems like that would be simpler/better at least for the kids
Right now we live about 6 hours from where his XW and their DS live. NTM his job and family are all there as well. DH and I have been trying to move closer for 7 years and have been blocked at every turn. We are about to sell our house (to my mom) which will allow us the freedom of moving closer if we can find a home/job/etc that will work. WE plan to move as close to SO as possible moving forward.

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I have no advice because it kinda sounds like you have it kinda worked out. Just saying hi and i get it!
Thanks! Just having people to listen/having a reason to put it on 'paper' helps me process.

Thanks all for listening.
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