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Old 02-13-2012, 02:33 PM   #21
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

As far as telling DH's family, I can understand where you are coming from. I am southern baptist and have a hard time understanding the "why's" but it's your life and your choice. I don't really agree your situation because of my beliefs, but if it were my family, I would still love them because they are family and all I could do is pray that they would make the right decision so that we could be together in eternity. No matter what your lifestyle is, family is family and deserve unconditional love. Nothing in the world would stop me from seeing my family or loving them just because of a decision they have made that I don't agree with. I know I've done stuff that my family hasn't agreed with and it hasn't changed anything. I hope that his family would still love everyone and treat them as they always have (good I hope) even if they disagree. It sounds like you have really thought this through and I think that is wonderful, I really hope nothing but the best for you!
This is just my opinion based on my beliefs, I am not judging in any way and I hope it doesn't come off that way. Please take what I say with a grain of salt. I responded because you expressed concern over telling them and I am of the same faith as your DH's ILs and if it were my family that is how I would respond.

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Old 02-13-2012, 05:19 PM   #22
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I am not worrying about them rejecting us. They may just end up treating #4 differently, conciously or unconciously... They try very hard to love us and respect our ways in all the ways they think we are "weird" and then just never mention things again after they give us advice and we politely tell them "thank you" and continue with what we think is right.

Thanks for commenting. From the stats a lot of people are stalking this thread but not commenting, and it makes me wonder what they must all think about when they hear thing like this, y know?
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:06 PM   #23
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I have been stalking I haven't commented bc I haven't had time. I understand you not wanting to be prego in the summer. Would you want to try in just a few months so you aren't huge in the middle of the summer? I had feb(due in march though) and April babies and I was not miserable bc of weather, so I get where you are coming from.

I am sorry the XW is not being helpful. Maybe once everything is settled and sees that everyone is happy she will become more amicable. Her son and his happiness should be her main priority.

Hopefully it will all work out
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:33 PM   #24
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Mama, you are a brave lady haha! I really admire you for coming to all of us with this and trusting us with a peek into your life I can appreciate your struggle, and think you are trying your best to make everyone happy, as well as yourself (much like every other mama I know!).
That being said, I think you pretty much have it figured out! I had anniversary (July 16) conceived babies one right after the other and March/April is awesome for having babies!

I can also see where the XW may not want her child involved in a relationship she doesn't approve of. But at the same time, she probably should have stayed away to begin with. I wish you all the best of luck, and wish you all the happiness in the world
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Old 02-14-2012, 02:04 AM   #25
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I am poly friendly but in a mono marriage. I only think I could be poly in a triangle situation, even if it wasn't sexual for everyone involved.

I don't really have any advice but I'm supportive. I can also feel sympathy for the xw even though she knew what she was getting into. She probably felt like she could change him, and jealousy does crazy things to people. I would dictate a rule for only poly people in any future relationship so that doesn't happen again.
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Old 02-14-2012, 09:40 AM   #26
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I've been stalking, too. I don't have any advice or anything, but I hope everything works out. It sounds like you all really care about each other and your kids, and that's awesome!

Actually, that's why I was stalking. Your story amazes me, in a good way, of course. DH has an impossible relationship with his ex that has led to having an extremely limited relationship with his two daughters. I don't want to hijack, but it's a REALLY bad situation. People don't usually believe us until we whip out the police reports, protective order, conviction records, etc. But the bottom line is that the major malfunction in this parenting relationship is that she expected DH to marry her when she got pregnant, he didn't, and all of this conflict has arisen because of her resentment. That's it.

So when I read a story like yours that seems so complicated to me due to the number of people involved, the difficulties you have with explaining your situation to family/friends, just the general logistics you mentioned with custody... I am amazed. Everyone is your situation is so loving and gets along so well for the kids! Yet DH -- who had a very simple and supposedly "normal" boy meets girl/girl gets pregnant situation -- cried himself to sleep last night after seeing his kids for the first time in about 6 months.

So don't worry about us stalkers. I stalk because your story is very reassuring to me that the world isn't a completely awful place for kids, which is kinda what 6 years of dealing with DH's ex has made me believe.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:51 PM   #27
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

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Originally Posted by happyhats View Post
She probably felt like she could change him, and jealousy does crazy things to people. I would dictate a rule for only poly people in any future relationship so that doesn't happen again.
SO knows now that he won't try that again. He really hoped, from the begining with her that he could show her that it was possible to love and be loved by more than one person *at a time*. Even serial monogamists believe you can love more than one person (divorce, widows, remarriage, ex's you stay fond of, etc...) you're just not allowed to show it to more than one at a time. I wish I could say I had hope she would be happy for us all later, but I don't. Jealously is worse for her as time goes on and as she will see us happy and doing ok while she is alone and she will hate us all the more. I hope I'm wrong and that she meets someone else that "does it" for her and helps her heal. I can only pray and hope tho...

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Originally Posted by magdalynaa View Post
I've been stalking, too. I don't have any advice or anything, but I hope everything works out. It sounds like you all really care about each other and your kids, and that's awesome! .
It's ok to stalk... it was just awesome how many 'views' there were on this thread...

That is what sold me on Poly 8 years ago. There is nothing that reduces the love shared. and, if someone is jealous or struggling... they have a *larger* support net than they would, you know? Ideally anyways. I have also seen people abuse it and claim to be poly when they were just cheating. Cheating is wrong. So is lying, that's not in keeping with loving people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by magdalynaa View Post
So when I read a story like yours that seems so complicated to me due to the number of people involved, the difficulties you have with explaining your situation to family/friends, just the general logistics you mentioned with custody... I am amazed. Everyone is your situation is so loving and gets along so well for the kids! Yet DH -- who had a very simple and supposedly "normal" boy meets girl/girl gets pregnant situation -- cried himself to sleep last night after seeing his kids for the first time in about 6 months.

So don't worry about us stalkers. I stalk because your story is very reassuring to me that the world isn't a completely awful place for kids, which is kinda what 6 years of dealing with DH's ex has made me believe.
I'm not worried about stalkers. I like that people are interested and listening to something that must be foreign to them. I don't want to get on a soap box, tho i will explain a little of the mindset that allows us to love as we do:

Poly Amory : Many Loves. The whole point is recognizing that People are capable of loving many people in many ways. (Parents, friends, children, lovers... etc.) If you have more than one child, do you compare the way or the amount that you love each of them? Do you encourage them to compare themselves to one another and judge whether you love them more or less or for the same reasons? No, we don't. We don't do that with friends, parents, siblings, aunts/uncles. Poly people don't do that with anyone... we just love people as it comes naturally and accept that each relationship, of each kind of relationship, is different from all the others. We recognize that all people/their feelings are valuable and honor them for the decisions they make, kinda like stepping outside it and maintaining a focus on love.

Anyway, that's the schpeel... and it works for us, even if it gets hard sometimes, it helps to know that IL's are people I plove and care about as well, so we will love them through the process of coping and accept what they do to help them feel comfortable. SO, for example will probably not be invited to gatherings... but they will understand that we will come to less gatherings if they exclude him. It's all a balance of respecting and adhering to our own beliefs.
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Last edited by Sageac; 02-14-2012 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:05 PM   #28
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Quote:
Originally Posted by happyhats View Post
I am poly friendly but in a mono marriage. I only think I could be poly in a triangle situation, even if it wasn't sexual for everyone involved.

I don't really have any advice but I'm supportive. I can also feel sympathy for the xw even though she knew what she was getting into. She probably felt like she could change him, and jealousy does crazy things to people. I would dictate a rule for only poly people in any future relationship so that doesn't happen again.
Yes. Yes, it does. DH and I made a "poly only" rule after a bad experience last year. And you pretty much said everything that I was going to say to the op!

OP, I understand and I really hope it all works out for you! I totally understand where you're coming from.

DH and I are poly and while we're not in your exact situation right now, it's pretty close. So I'm here for you any time - my PM box is always open!
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Old 02-15-2012, 12:05 PM   #29
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Thanks freedom.
I am getting to see/have a private converstaion with SO for the first time in years on friday. I'm a bundle of nerves for no reason, just going to be hard to shake the tension we have had for the last few years. The boys don't know him as well as I would like them to, so it will be nice to get to actually visit for a while and get them comfy.

Maybe we should start a Poly-families Thread instead of just my OP about stress in my life???
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Old 02-17-2012, 12:01 PM   #30
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Not a stalker!! lol Just a curious human I am not one to judge and find stuff like this interesting cause it's really not talked about much.
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