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Old 02-27-2012, 01:57 PM   #11
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Re: where will your kids go?

it was between my parents and my sister and her husband. my other sister and my brother are still young, unmarried, and in school. and while i love them, and they adore ds and are actually his godparents, they are just not mature enough to take on the raising of a child. and i think they would both admit that. dh's family is great, but they all live in mexico. dh has been through too much to try and come here so that his kids would have a better life, he wouldn't even discuss sending them back, although he loves and is close to his family. and,they aren't THAT bad off, but not as well off as my family and ds just wouldn't have the same opportunities there that he does here. plus, while they would happily take ds in and care for him, and would make whatever sacrifices necessary, they wouldn't have the financial means to make sure ds kept in touch with his american family. my family does, and would make sure that ds knew ALL of his family, on both sides. that was a very important consideration for us.

in the end, we chose my parents. my sister and her husband are younger than me, don't have children, but i know they want them in the next few years. and, i just felt it would be too much of a burden to saddle them with this early in the game for them. my parents are very young grandparents (they weren't even 50 when ds was born), so they would be around to raise him, they can afford it easily, and they would truly welcome it. also, my mom watches ds a couple days a week as it is, and he loves and is comfortable with them, so i hope it would not be that bad of a transistion. they do not parent exactly like us. they don't have many of the same crunchy/granola lifestyle habits that we do. and i disagree with them on many things when it comes to what i want to teach my children growing up, and how i discipline, etc. but, the truth is, no one in our family agrees with us on a lot of these things, and who WOULD raise ds EXACTLY like i would?! no one. there is not a single person in the world who i think can be his mother the way i would want except for me. so, my parents love him more than just about anyone except dh and myself. they are good people, and would try their best to do right by him. and, in the face of those facts, the rest of our disagreements are just superficial. i think that was the hardest thing for me to admit. that no, if something happened to dh and i, ds would not be raised the same, his life would be radically changed. but, losing his parents would do that anyways. he will be with people he is familiar with and that love him, and that's the most important thing


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Old 02-27-2012, 02:02 PM   #12
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To my sister. I don't agree with everything she does with her own kids but she is very sensitive to the children and loving. We more disagree on food choices and stuff. She is by far the closest with my daughter and she has 2 daughters and step daughter of her own, I know my kids would be raised in a loving family environment. I would have our assets protected by DH's mom though as my sister is terrible with money and doesn't have much of it so my kids wouldnt be a financial strain on her.
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Old 02-27-2012, 02:15 PM   #13
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Re: where will your kids go?

To my parents.

As much as I love my inlaws they drink and smoke (we don't do either). They have a really nice house and took great care of the girls for a week (with my Mom), but we know my parents are already great with the girls (Inlaws live in FL. We were all in Ohio, my parents will be living with us here in SC in the next week or so since our family relocated and my parents couldn't let the girls leave so they packed up and are moving with us). My Dad is great with money and I know the insurance money would be used wisely for the girls and upcoming baby. I don't think my inlaws would make the time, both own a business (Step FIL builds cabinets/does that stuff, MIL owns a tax business). They just don't see us often enough to know routines and how we raise our girls.

I love SIL but her parenting styles are not how we want the girls raised. Our nephew has issues (for lack of a better term.. they thought he was autistic (he's not), always sick, barely talks at 2.5, etc). I know they vax, he is not intact, they run to the dr over every cough or sniff, forward face too early.. exactly the opposite of what we've done with our kids. And her DH owns a business as well with his brother, so they are rarely home.
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Old 02-27-2012, 02:16 PM   #14
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I posted a similar thread like a year and a half ago and we still haven't figured it out ::

My parents are older (dad is 81, mom is 68) so it wouldn't be reasonable to ask them although they would do it in a heartbeat. My brother adores my kids but he has some social issues that would make it difficult for him to raise them. I don't trust DH's brother as far as I can throw him. Both DH and I agree he try to find some underhanded way to get the insurance money for himself. Ironically, his wife is very good with kids but obviously I couldn't give the kids to just her. My MIL is also older and has health issues.

So that pretty much leaves friends. DH feels awkward about asking friends but we really don't have another choice. If it was totally up to me, it would be this couple who are close friends of ours with just one child and not likely to have another. They are a little more mainstream than us but I know my kids would be loved and well taken care of. They live in the same town as my family and close to DH's family so they would be able to still know where they come from sort of speak. There is also a few other friends I'd consider, too.
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Old 02-27-2012, 02:26 PM   #15
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Re: where will your kids go?

My mom/dad get custody first. Mom is our daycare.

After that, we are still working on it. Probably my brother and his wife. She used to be extremely weird and is judgmental of our parenting choices. But she is coming around and we are finding some mutual ground as she has gotten to know my kids better and see that what we are doing is working for us.
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Old 02-27-2012, 02:53 PM   #16
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Re: where will your kids go?

Well our only options are my mom, MIL, my brother, or DH's sister. I don't want my kids with any of them . DH's sister would be the best....although they do things a lot different than us. They spank, we don't which would bother me. They also don't use carseats...their 2 oldest never had one and the 2 youngest only used a seat for about 2 yrs...then sat in the seat with seatbelt only...the youngest is 4 and often lays on the floor of the van with no restraint of any type. That would REALLY bother me! But we don't have any other options...rather than to just adopt them out of the family. So lets just hope that we both don't die!
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Old 02-27-2012, 03:50 PM   #17
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Re: where will your kids go?

I have no idea anymore.

My husband has always pushed for his parents to be our children's guardians, but I am totally against it because they are Muslim and will raise our children as such. They have 1 grown child left (out of 6) that is not married and she has to live with them until she is married (will be an arranged marriage) because she is their property. I do not want my girls raised like that.

I have always wanted my sister and her husband to take our children, but now that they have twins of their own, I know they are not the right choice. I do not agree with their parenting philosophies, even though I do think they are great parents. Also, since my sister has had her babies, they've become religious (Christian) and I do not want my kids raised with their religion, either. My sister is also very concerned with what others think of her and her kids so they have to be the best dressed, the nicest house and cars, own only new things, etc., and while things things don't mean she won't be a good guardian, I just don't want my kids raised that way. My sis is spoiled and she is raising her girls to be the same way.

My oldest is if dh and I can hold on another 5 years or so, we'll have a talk with her on whether she'll be ready to be a guardian or even want to. We have plenty of life insurance for her to be able to support them and herself and we'll set her up with a financial adviser. Once she's of legal age, my hope for her is that she's off exploring the world and living her own life, but if need be, I feel confident that she'll step up to the plate and take care of her siblings. I don't know if I should feel bad about her having to sacrifice, but I don't. In fact, I think she would rather take care of them then have them go somewhere else.
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Old 02-27-2012, 04:21 PM   #18
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Re: where will your kids go?

Right now our will says that our kids go to my parents - specifically my mom. At some point DH and I will have to sit down with my mom and talk about whether we should change that. When we wrote the will we only had DD (have since had two DSs) and my Dad has passed away. So it went from one child being cared for by both my parents to three kids and my mom being on her own. My mom is still my first choice - she parents the way I'd want my kids taken care of and if anything, she's actually crunchier than I am. The only thing that I worry about now is if three kids would be too much for her, especially without my Dad.

Our other "logical" choice is my DH's brother and SIL. I love them both, but our kids don't know them! We've seen them once since we had kids so they'd be complete strangers to my kids and that makes me uncomfortable. They're also TOTALLY mainstream, but the kids would be loved. My nephew is in college and my niece is finishing her senior year, so another concern would be if they would even want to "start over" with young kids again.

I'm kind of leaning toward asking DH if we can consider one of my best friends. She and her wife want kids (and hopefully will be getting pregnant soon), but they'd parent pretty much just like us. And they'd love the kids a TON. Our kids would definitely be a financial burden, but hopefully our life insurance would alleviate that, and I'm sure my mom would move near them to help.
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Old 02-27-2012, 04:50 PM   #19
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Re: where will your kids go?

At this point it would be joint custody between my parents and my older sister. While they are all more mainstream than I am, I know my children would be loved and cared for. The other option is my husbands uncle, a great guy that would care for the children but he lives in CA and my children have never met him, plus he would be the last option because my children would be seperated from all their family here.
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Old 02-27-2012, 05:46 PM   #20
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Re: where will your kids go?

Our first choice is either of my parents, then either of my brother or sister. My husband didn't want to give our children to either set of parents, "to be fair" to his parents. We actually hadn't talked about it at this point - that was his first comment on where our children would go, I think he knows that his parents would not be the best. His parents are not terrible parents or horrible people, though they don't have room for our children, could not afford them, and are not good with money. My parents have one spare bedroom at the moment, and will have a couple more in the future. My parents could easily afford to take care of our children and would save any money our children received (life insurance, proceeds from our condo, Child Tax, and any other government money) for their future (education or house). My parents are 53 and 55, and I expect them to be for years to come.

If my parents aren't able to in the future, I hope at least one of my brother or sister has settled down by then. Right now they are both great responsible people (and would take our children and be parents), but they are still living at home and going to school - just not settled in their lives or careers. I am 24, my brother is 20, and my sister 19.

In addition to the financial and practical, our daughter (only child at the moment) has an excellent relationship with my parents (they make a lot of effort to be involved in her life and have a lot of fun together) and always asks when she gets to see them again. She enjoys my in-laws, but doesn't have the same relationship with them, at all. My husband and I don't have a great relationship with the in-laws either. MIL is a little crazy, like, insist I change the time that I set with a few other people to make and mail my wedding invitations so she could help us, then show up two hours late, leave after 20 minutes, go home and tell my husband-to-be that our date wouldn't work and we had to change it because it was on a Saturday and SIL works every Saturday, crazy. SIL was able to make it, but didn't come to the reception because her friends were more important. MIL and SIL are almost scowling in our wedding pictures. The ONLY pictures of MIL smiling on that day are of just my husband and her.

Hubby wanted his brother and SIL to take our children, but we don't agree with most of the way they parent. He always comments on the way they treat and parent their daughter and talks about how he doesn't like it. SIL, who my husband can't stand, is a know it all, and they have a very specific plan that they only want two children and therefore bought a house with only three bedrooms, and waited until we got pregnant to have their first child, even though we are 8 years younger then them, just because they didn't want to have the first grandchild. Does that really sound like the people we want to raise our children?? lol

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