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Old 03-26-2012, 05:12 AM   #1
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How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just one

Ok, so I don't know what to do, but DH and I are very much on opposite sides re: wanting more kids. By way of background, he is 40, I am 38. Our first baby is 14 months old. She is the light of our lives. DH thinks she is the perfect baby and sees our family as complete. I (who never used to want children, but mostly because my family is very small and was never around kids) would very much like another baby. I had always identified myself by my career, but now, without doubt, I am a mother. I feel like I have found my place in the world, and it is to be a mother.

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that she may be our only child, but it is hard.

DH very much understands my point of view. I tell him frequently.

His main reasons for not wanting another is that he sees our family as complete, is exhausted (he is very much a co-parent) and he says he is too old. (I realize there are a lot of younger mamas here, but please do not focus on our age. I really do not see this as an issue.) He's also been asking a lot of questions about how would it be possible to care for two. He thinks our daughter would not receive as much attention. We do both dote upon her now.

So, I guess the question I have is -- how much harder is two in terms of time, work? How do you make it work?

Please note, this is a very sensitive topic for me. I always shy away from posting personal topics like this, out of concern that I will receive responses I don't want to hear.

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Old 03-26-2012, 06:50 AM   #2
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just



Going from 1 to 2 was harder for us than 2 to 3. With one, you can pretty much do what you want. You can nap when the baby naps, you are very portable, you have one set of needs to think about. With two, naps are rare, you each have a little one to hold/mind when you all go out together, there are fewer "breaks."

That said, it is important to remember that your DD will not be a "baby" much longer. I think we forget that when we think of adding another baby to our families. Shortly, she will start to become more independent and do things on her own, and by the time another baby got here, she would be an entirely different person. It's not like you and DH would have her at 14 mos and a newborn, if you get what I am saying. We picture our children as they are with a new baby, and by the time the new baby gets here, the children are at an entirely different plane developmentally. They don't need the same kind of attention and time.

We had many discussions around number three, because I was sure we were meant to have three kids and he was perfectly content with two. We cannot imagine our family without number three now. I hope you and your DH can find a place where you are both happy with this decision.
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:59 AM   #3
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

IMO the greatest gift you can give your daughter is a sibling. She is young enough that she will not remember being an only child. She may lose your undivided attention but she will gain a playmate. I think learning to share from a young age is so helpful to children.

I also think when I am old and need to be cared for it will be easier for my children to share the care vs it all falling to one child.

I will admit I felt very guilty for awhile when I had my 2nd that my 1st wasn't getting the same attention but he is almost 12 and he begs for more siblings. LOL
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:05 AM   #4
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

I agree. DH was always on the "one child" bus. I KNEW I wanted atleast two because I'm an only child. When he's the youngest of three. My huge reason is when my parents are gone I'm it. I don't have anyone close like he has his sister (both his brother and father have passed away already).

Then we got pg w/#2 and he was so worried he wouldn't love the new baby like he loved our oldest. How things would work out with two vs one. Now that they are older (almost 6 years old and 3 years old next week) the fighting can drive us nuts, but they have so many sweet times that just makes us smile. When one doesn't want to listen they feed off of each other and it makes it frustrating. Bath time doesn't really changed, they share a room, I do their laundry together. When we go out we try to each have one. But since DH is gone through the week they both usually hold his hand while I waddle behind pg w/#3. But we do push two shopping carts already.

Now I'm not sure how #3 will work in June. I'm sure not much will change. DD1 won't be in school during the day and DD2 isn't in school yet so I can already tell there will be high stress lol. We have to plan some things to get us all out of the house. But I'm sure it'll work out, we've made it work once. We've talked about me getting a tubal and him getting the big V, but he actually said in a few more years he wouldn't mind another baby.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:08 AM   #5
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

It's going to vary from family to family... but we have a very easy time transitioning from one to two kids. DS1 and DS2 are 29 months apart, and DS2 just fit perfectly into our family. Babywearing was a big help... I was able to keep DS2 close and happy, while still taking care of DS1 and the house.

I did feel a bit guilty... like I was taking something away from DS1. But now I realize how silly that was. DS1 is such an amazing big brother, and seeing him grow as the "leader" has been just wonderful. He doesn't even remember not having a little brother. Now he has two little brothers (and a third sibling on the way), and he wouldn't have it any other way. Before we got pregnant with baby #4, DS1 routinely asked when we were going to give him another brother... he refuses to accept that he could have a sister, but that's another story .

I honestly think getting chores done and running errands is much easier with 2+ kids. Sure, there are days where they fight constantly, and it takes twice as long to do simple tasks. But for the most part, they entertain each other while I do chores they are unable to help with (ie: washing windows, cleaning fireplace, etc). When we just had DS1, I felt like I had to entertain him 24/7 and it was really hard to get things done. Now, DS1 and DS2 (and sometimes DS3, if he isn't being a destructive baby ) play together while I clean, or prepare meals, etc.

Like the PP said, there is no greater gift than a sibling. We may not take fancy vacations every year, and DS1 may not get every single present he wants for Christmas... but he has brothers who love him, and look up to him... and after DH and I are gone, they will never be alone. I take great solace in that.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:10 AM   #6
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

I think siblings are SO important. DH was an only child and I truly believe that his biggest character flaws would be non issues had he had a sibling lol. I would feel so sad knowing that when DH and I pass away our child would be left alone without a brother/sister to rely on for support. Our kids are 19mos apart and play really well together. They have someone to get excited about stuff with and make memories with. Sure they fight like cats and dogs but at the end of the day they still always ask if the other can sleep in their room with them. It definitely was hard at first, DS was a needy baby and didn't ever want anyone other than me. But I wouldn't change their age difference for anything. I still wonder if we should have a third......
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:16 AM   #7
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

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I

I did feel a bit guilty... like I was taking something away from DS1. But now I realize how silly that was. DS1 is such an amazing big brother, and seeing him grow as the "leader" has been just wonderful.
This, too! No one told me how amazing it would be watching the kids develop with each other. I could watch my kids interact with one another and listen to their conversations when they think no one is listening all day long. The bond between the siblings is not something I considered before having more babies. It continues to amaze me, though.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:18 AM   #8
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

((HUGS)) I actually thought going from 1 to 2 was pretty easy. DS1 was very helpfull even at 2. I have loved seeing them now at 5 and 3 playing together. Sure they fight and pick on each other and sometimes I wonder how I haven't lost my mind but that is normal brother behavior. i can't wait to add the next one to our family.

I did wonder how I would have enough love, time, energy for two kids but it just happens. The love doesn't divide it multilplies. Time-- there will never be enough hours in the day to get everything done, so I pick the important things and if there are dishes left in the sick or toys not pick up I have learned its okay. Energy--that is what coffee is for, LOL!!!
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:20 AM   #9
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

Thank you, everyone. I will admit that I surprised myself by writing my first post with very little emotion. Truth is, I have been so saddened by this, that I think I just try to put it out of my mind or build up a little wall because I am so fearful DH will not change his mind. I do wish for her to have a sibling, and when I mention that, DH points out that he and his sister are not close at all, and my sister and I have huge troubles relating with one another. We are not terribly close either, but we do talk more regularly than he does with his sister, though we also take long breaks because we are so different and she is so difficult.

None of this dissuades me evenly mildly from wanting a second!

The only time I could really see my DH's point of view was when I was very sick recently and couldn't even take care of DD1. But, of course, DH was here to fill-in when necessary.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ETA: Funny. I just re-read my post and see that I wrote DD1 when there are no others to count. Haha, yeah, I really want another baby!!!!

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Old 03-26-2012, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: How to manage with 2 babies or when mom wants another and dad is happy with just

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This, too! No one told me how amazing it would be watching the kids develop with each other. I could watch my kids interact with one another and listen to their conversations when they think no one is listening all day long. The bond between the siblings is not something I considered before having more babies. It continues to amaze me, though.
Sibling bond really is amazing! I have six siblings, but we aren't close at all. We were basically raised in foster care, and we were split up. So I had no idea how special the bond between siblings can be. Even on the days where DS1 and DS2 do nothing but fight, they are still best friends and take care of each other. For example, the other day was one of those days where they were at each other's throats... but then DS2 fell down and hit his head... DS1 immediately got him his blanket and stuffed monkey, and was hugging him, making sure he felt okay. Of course, 10 minutes later they were back to fighting... but those few minutes of tenderness were amazing .
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