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Old 04-01-2012, 10:08 PM   #11
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

My son is 6 months old, so obviously this isn't my 1st hand experience with him. When I was a nanny (and I know it's different/harder being a parent and having to enforce stuff day in and day out) I would take away resources; time with friends, toys, video games, tv. It was more effective for most of the kids I worked with that time out.

What was also VERY effective was "catching them being good." Praise and reward when they are doing the right thing/good behavior. If it rarely happens than you have to be that much more on the look out in the beginning for when the good behavior does happen. Praising and rewarding good behavior immediately, combined with taking away resources when bad behavior pops up, is a good tactic. Think about it, if all your kid hears out of your mouth is "stop, don't do this, don't do that, I told you to do this, etc..." it makes your relationship pretty negative and they will want to listen to you less.

Sticker charts also do wonders I hear, but I had less experience with them.

There are countless books on subject and it helps to keep a few in the house and review them every few months. Even if you know what you want to be doing, it is easy to slip up and fall back in to old patterns of discipline without even realizing it. We are all human. I leave my childcare books out in the bathroom. I often read in the bathtub and hubby has been known to read on the toilet.

Not to sound like a know-it-all from a mom of a 6 month old baby.
I would just like to help in anyway I can. If I have offended you feel free to disregard everything I have said. No worries.

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Old 04-01-2012, 10:09 PM   #12
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

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Old 04-01-2012, 10:24 PM   #13
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

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Originally Posted by donnyandmelissa View Post
We spank our kids. I am starting to regret my decision. But here is the thing. I can't stand disobedience, disrespect, etc. I may come off as rude but I don't want to let my kids walk all over me for the sake of them "being themselves" I have heard.

My #1 complaint is repeating myself. I don't want to have to tell my 4 yr old over and over to eat and not play, sing, talk at the table. (she is skinny and actually just this past month got to the 4th percentile she was prescribed pediasure and a special diet) So am I mean for forcing her to eat. If it were up to her she would sit there for an hour and not be done.

So you spank her for not eating? Sorry didn't understand this part of your post. Not being snarky just asking. IMO food is a power struggle for most kids. Maybe your dd will always be small and this is her body type. Why force her to eat. Most kids know when they are hungry and when they aren't. I'd offer her healthy foods whenever she asked for it. Some kids eat three square meals some snack all day. But creating this push pull over food is never good and she will only puch back harder and then create weird food issues in the future.

There are so many things that I feel silly spanking her for but they are clearly not working in our house. For example...

My 8 month old refuses to nurse unless there is complete silence. She runs and jumps and sings. I tell her for 10 minutes I need you to sit down and do puzzles or read books. Nope.

Can you do something else that you only do while nursing? Movie/tv/computer/a certain toy/coloring etc. I'd find somethng that she really loves and only do that one thing when you really need quiet time like while nursing.

No running in church because... there are a lot of elderly people who can get hurt if you bump into them. (which has happend) No matter how many times I tell her she RUNS.
She either needs to hold your hand the entire time walking through church and if she doesn't she has to ride in a stroller....give her the choice and when she can show you she wont run then she can walk alone.

Whining. She whines if she is bored, hungry, you name it if she wants it she whines.

I'd tell her that you can't understand anything she's saying and would she please use her regualr voice. If she doesn't she can go to another room where you aren't or you leave that room so you don't hear it.
So here is the problem. If we don't spank then what works? Time out does NOT work for her. She could stand there all day.

I use very little time outs.
Answers in bold.
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:32 PM   #14
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

Subbing so that I can come back to read all this when I have more time!! My 2 year old is driving me bonkers!
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:43 PM   #15
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

I use Love and Logic and it works very well. I can't stand whining either, and I don't respond to it. I ignore my dd when she's whining and remind her to use her big girl voice.

The key for me is to not get angry. Children feed off of our anger and will continue to do things that make us angry, believe it or not. You would think it's the opposite. I have also learned that I can't force her to do anything. She needs to learn to make choices, and that there are consequences for her behavior. It's better to let her fail when she's 3, or 7, and the consequences are not so bad, then when she's 16 and riding around with a drunk driver. Telling them what to do does not force them to think and make good decisions. I always give 2 or 3 choices that I can live with.

I have never spanked my dd. She has been in TO from age 1, when she was behind a gate. She then learned she had to stay and sits where I put her now. She HATES time out and it works well.

I don't repeat myself, or count. My daughter needs to listen to me the first time, not the third. If she doesn't, there are consequences.

Love and logic is very helpful! I came from a family of screamers and parents who spanked. I listened to countless hours of tapes because I did not want to parent the same way. It simply didn't work. It created anger and defiance, and I "showed them" as soon as I was able.

I would like to caution you about the eating issue. I would be careful about forcing her to eat. I have a 25 weeker who is diagnosed with FTT and not even on the growth chart, so believe me, I understand the fear when your child won't eat. However, she is in control of what goes in her mouth and it you force the issue, you could make it worse.

Good luck!
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:12 PM   #16
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

We use 1-2-3 Magic, with Supernanny style time outs. The counting is not "listen on the 3rd try" but a warning that the behavior needs to change. It gives them a chance to correct their own behavior before being disciplined.

Lots of things get immediate consequences with no warnings (violence/injuring someone, for example) but often a quick, emotionless "That's 1" is enough to get the kids to knock it off. Like vmomma, we cut off emotion with discipline, so they're not going to get an argument (attention) for misbehaving. I think Love and Logic is pretty similar to 1-2-3 Magic - both give praise for good behavior and don't participate in arguments or emotions when kids are misbehaving.

Time outs are on a bath mat in our house. We move the mat to the room I'm in, so I can monitor the kid, but I ignore the kid while he/she is in time out. (There are two mats so both can be in time out at once.) I tell them why they're there and they get one minute per year of age. Time out starts when they're on the mat and quiet (not screaming/fighting.) When they finish their time, I BRIEFLY remind them of why they're there ("you're in time out for yelling at me. It's disrespectful to yell at me.") They say sorry, we hug, and we go on our way.

If they're being rude to me in time out, I add time to their time out. We also remove privileges, like a fight brushing teeth uses up story time so they don't get a story. Or we let logical consequences do their magic. Don't want to eat the breakfast I made? You'll be extra hungry at lunch. I don't make another meal, but I don't force them to eat, so they'll be hungry at lunch. I'm in charge of what I offer, and they're in charge of what they eat. They're not going to starve themselves. (I say this as the mom of a kid who was underweight - when I stopped fighting her to eat, she started eating!)

I do NOT put up with whining or disrespect either! I have told the kids, "My ears don't understand whining. Tell me what you want with your normal voice." I'll also ask, "Do you get what you want when you whine?" and they always say no. They still whine occasionally, but they know they won't get what they want by whining.
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:32 PM   #17
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

We do time outs but they only work if you have time in. The isolation is the punishment - we do 1the min per year.

We had been doing them wrong but after seeing one episode of supernanny we got it figured out.
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:47 PM   #18
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

We use a variation of 1-2-3 magic too. I have friends who are completely dumbfounded by the way I can discipline without words when they are being disrespectful. The lack of attention eye contact, and verbal cues works the best. My kids love to interupt when 2 adults are talking. I will hold up a finger for one. Usually they stop. If they don't then it's 2 fingers. If they still don't then I simply say that's a three go and point. Up they go to their rooms. I don't get why it works but it does. I've been at this technique for almost 4 years now. It was rough in the beginning but so worth it.

We still get plenty of misbehavior. We're not all sunshine and daisies. For the whining we'll count them but the most effective thing I have found for kids who whine is to do it back to them! They can't stand it. Then they usually will beg me to stop. Gets the point across effectively.
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:51 PM   #19
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

We don't spank and we don't do time outs. We use language and tone to speak to DS1. A recent article came out on why French children are better behaved and it has to do with the tone parents carry while reprimanding their children. I have a tone (not yelling) that I save for when things are really important. Love and logic is great too. I fight over only 10% of those things that are really important and let the other 90% go. We can be anywhere and if I ask him to do something in a firm no no sense tone bingo he snaps to it. We do take away items and privileges as a result.
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:59 AM   #20
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Re: Parents who don't spank... who DO have obedient kids, how do you discipline?

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We don't spank and we don't do time outs. We use language and tone to speak to DS1. A recent article came out on why French children are better behaved and it has to do with the tone parents carry while reprimanding their children. I have a tone (not yelling) that I save for when things are really important. Love and logic is great too. I fight over only 10% of those things that are really important and let the other 90% go. We can be anywhere and if I ask him to do something in a firm no no sense tone bingo he snaps to it. We do take away items and privileges as a result.
DH speaks Chinese so when DS1 acts out, he'll reprimand him in Chinese and boy does it work!!

We're dealing with the whining here big time. Drives me nuts. I tend to lose my patience pretty quickly with it, so this thread has given me some great ideas to try out with DS1.
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