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Old 04-12-2012, 12:55 AM   #1
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Oldest dd and anger

So we were at savers (thrift store) the other day and there was a pair of justice sweat pants and a pair of heelys, both in my middle dds size. Anyway my oldest dd asks me if I'm going to give them to middle dd. then she tells me she rather I sell them on eBay because when she sees something she really likes and can't have it makes her really angry. And it's do true! She gets so angry if her sisters or anyone really has something she really likes. She also will get really angry if she outgrows clothes and I pass them down. She will try to wear clothes that are way too small just so I won't pass them down.

I don't know what to do About this. She also gets angry if say she gets a pair of pants and her sister wants the same ones (they are only 15 months apart). Even if her sister chooses it first. Middle dd is constantly afraid to say what she really wants because she's afraid oldest dd will be mad. She's also started saying she doesn't like the hand me downs when I know darn well she does but she just doesn't want my oldest to be mad at her!

I've tried talking to her but seems like it does no good. This can't be good for her well being! Advice?

P.s. she gets the most new new clothes since she's the oldest and there's nobody to pass down to her. And her personal things, like jewelry and books I don't pass down so to speak. So it's not like she has to share everything but it would also be rediculous to not pass down her clothes when she has four younger sisters!

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Old 04-12-2012, 01:08 AM   #2
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No advice, mama. Have you asked her why it makes her so mad?

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Old 04-12-2012, 02:08 AM   #3
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

She would not be getting anything new until her attitude changes . (I'm not saying this to be mean i promise) She sounds like she has entitlement issues . If she can't have it than why should your middle dd.
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:23 AM   #4
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

Well, keep in mind that feeling just ARE its what we do with them that can be learned and/or controlled. I say that you are doing a great job in that your dd not only recognizes her feelings, she's willing to talk to you about them. So, just keep the conversation open and continually let her know that being upset (angry, jealous, etc.) is an emotional reaction that can't necessarily be controlled HOWEVER tearing up at another person or pouting or temper tatrum as a result of those feeling is NOT acceptable and help her develop other means of dealing with her feelings. Tweens/teens are hard to raise and keeping communications flowing now will help in the future too. As to her not liking to hand things down, I'd implement a one in/one out rule. If you pick her up something new, it stays in 'your' posession until she has picked a like item out to hand down to a younger sister (so if a new shirt is purchase then she has to pick an old shirt out to hand down). I'd do this with all the girls who are old enough to participate.
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Old 04-12-2012, 07:02 AM   #5
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

mama.

I know you are worried about her, but I would also like to point out her little sister and how this is making her feel (which I am sure you have thought of). I was the youngest of three, and one of my brothers was (and still is) very similar to your oldest DD. Obviously he didn't hand down a lot of clothes to me as we got older, but he got very angry and tried hard to control who got what and was upset if he didn't get the same or better. It created a lot of angst for me as the youngest, and has totally affected who I am today.

IMO, your DD needs to learn, gently, that she is not responsible for making these decisions. These are adult decisions. It is your job, as the Mom, to clothe everyone, and that involves purchasing clothing and YOU choosing where it goes and who gets/needs what. It is also completely necessary to pass down her clothing to siblings. I would have a heart to heart with her, and then start showing her by having regular culls of her clothing (with her help, if possible, so she can see the process, even though you are the one doing it). I would try to ameliorate it by talking to her about how you can make it easier for her, why she worries about it. But, I feel she has a lot of say on this topic, from your post, and sometimes kids with too much say have a lot of worry. By removing her from the decision/discussion process, it could take a lot of worry off her shoulders, even if the initial process is stressful.
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Old 04-12-2012, 07:47 AM   #6
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Thanks everyone I'm not sure why it bothers her so much. Seems so silly to me! I'll definitely keep talking to her. Tweens sure are funny characters!
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:57 AM   #7
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by lakemom View Post
Well, keep in mind that feeling just ARE its what we do with them that can be learned and/or controlled. I say that you are doing a great job in that your dd not only recognizes her feelings, she's willing to talk to you about them. So, just keep the conversation open and continually let her know that being upset (angry, jealous, etc.) is an emotional reaction that can't necessarily be controlled HOWEVER tearing up at another person or pouting or temper tatrum as a result of those feeling is NOT acceptable and help her develop other means of dealing with her feelings. Tweens/teens are hard to raise and keeping communications flowing now will help in the future too. As to her not liking to hand things down, I'd implement a one in/one out rule. If you pick her up something new, it stays in 'your' posession until she has picked a like item out to hand down to a younger sister (so if a new shirt is purchase then she has to pick an old shirt out to hand down). I'd do this with all the girls who are old enough to participate.
I think that is a wonderful idea!

Mama I know tweens/teens are hard , I'm not looking forward to that age with my own children . Maybe she could do extra chores and earn her own money and then she can buy herself something new to wear that she will not have to pass down?
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:46 PM   #8
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

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I think that is a wonderful idea!

Mama I know tweens/teens are hard , I'm not looking forward to that age with my own children . Maybe she could do extra chores and earn her own money and then she can buy herself something new to wear that she will not have to pass down?
Some of her clothes come from her dad, which is a different dad than my other dd's. So she may feel like NO! Those are from MY dad! sort of thing on those. But she does it with everything. Things he buys, things I buy, anything. And her dad is really great in the aspect that he fully expects her clothes to be passed down and if he gets her say a board game or something of that sort, he tells her to share with her sisters. Now, the ipod touch she got for christmas, she doesn't have to share that.

She does buy clothes with her own money too. Well, at least recently because she had bday/christmas money. Those don't not fit yet, so havent had to pass them down. That might be a good idea. Things she buys with her own money she doesn't have to pass down. I can offer to sell them on ebay for her when the time comes and she can keep the money. I bet she'd love that idea! (we're big into ebay here lol).
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Old 04-12-2012, 07:42 PM   #9
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Re: Oldest dd and anger

Sometimes it is just the personality of the person. Over time you could probably work with her on it. At least to get her to be compliant as far as handing down things to her younger sisters. She may not like it, but if it is a family value that really is too bad. Also you can point out the things that she gets to enjoy because you have more money for them due to thriftiness in other areas. Another thing you can begin to teach her is that when there are things that cannot be changed, it is a waste of time and energy to be angry about them. At her age I think that avenue would probably begin to have success. Then you add to the mix the tweeny bopper hormonal stuff and it is great fun.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:17 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pumkinsmommy
Sometimes it is just the personality of the person. Over time you could probably work with her on it. At least to get her to be compliant as far as handing down things to her younger sisters. She may not like it, but if it is a family value that really is too bad. Also you can point out the things that she gets to enjoy because you have more money for them due to thriftiness in other areas. Another thing you can begin to teach her is that when there are things that cannot be changed, it is a waste of time and energy to be angry about them. At her age I think that avenue would probably begin to have success. Then you add to the mix the tweeny bopper hormonal stuff and it is great fun.
Oh yes the hormones are quite fun! She cries so easily!
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