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Old 04-12-2012, 08:08 AM   #1
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DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

DS1 will be 5 next month, and is generally a really sweet, caring kid. He goes a small private SDA school for preK and the kids there are very well behaved and sweet... but of course, there are going to be some problems.

Apparently DS1 and another little boy hurt a classmate's feelings on Tuesday... to the point where she went home early and then told her mother she never wanted to go back to school again. DS1 and his friend don't remember what they said to the girl, only that it was something about her dad. But they both said that she was making fun of them... which I believe, because I know this little girl... she's known for making fun of other kids and picking on them, but she's really sensitive if someone fights back. Anyway, so she was picking on them... they said something mean about her dad... she got upset and went home early... and hasn't been back to school since. Her mom called Tuesday afternoon right before school let out and said that the girl doesn't want to come back because DS1 and the other little boy hurt her feelings. But she won't say what they said, and they don't remember what they said.

So what should I do? I've already talked to DS1 on Tuesday about saying mean, hurtful things and how we should all speak to one another the way we want to be spoken too... I also told him he needs to either start ignoring the girl when she starts being mean to him, or tell the teacher. But I do feel bad that the girl has missed 2.5 days of school over this. Should I call her mom, or just leave it alone? Should I make DS1 call and apologize, even though the little girl was picking on him and his friend first?

I've never been in this situation before, so I'm not sure on how to properly handle it. Thanks mamas!

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Old 04-12-2012, 08:19 AM   #2
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

Well, I dunno. I mean, it's not really fair that you and your kid should be the one to apologize when this little girl goes around doing that sort of thing all the time. Especially when no one knows what was really said.

Really, in this situation, it might be time for a discussion between you and the other mom and the teacher all in one meeting.
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:21 AM   #3
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Personally, I'd leave it alone only because she was picking on them first. If my dd was in your ds's shoes, I'd do exactly what you did. Talk to them about treating others how you want to be treated even if others aren't being nice. Explain that sometimes other people aren't as nice to us as we'd like them to be but that doesn't mean we have to be mean back.

I'm not surprised by what he did though. I'm sure my 4.5 year old probably would've done the same. I'm don't think my dd has the maturity level to think to herself that she needs to walk away from a situation like that. But I haven't been around enough preschoolers to know if she's the "norm" or not.

If/when she comes back to school, then I'd have him apologize. But in the meantime, I wouldn't go out of my way to apologize.
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:26 AM   #4
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
Well, I dunno. I mean, it's not really fair that you and your kid should be the one to apologize when this little girl goes around doing that sort of thing all the time. Especially when no one knows what was really said.

Really, in this situation, it might be time for a discussion between you and the other mom and the teacher all in one meeting.
That's what I was thinking, too... just wasn't sure if I was being an overprotective mama bear, letting her kid get away with something . I do agree it may be time for a meeting with the other mom and the teacher. This little girl has been picking on DS1 for months now (pouring sand on him, stealing his journal and coloring on it, etc)... I honestly don't blame DS1 for fighting back .

Quote:
Originally Posted by maddys_mama View Post
Personally, I'd leave it alone only because she was picking on them first. If my dd was in your ds's shoes, I'd do exactly what you did. Talk to them about treating others how you want to be treated even if others aren't being nice. Explain that sometimes other people aren't as nice to us as we'd like them to be but that doesn't mean we have to be mean back.

I'm not surprised by what he did though. I'm sure my 4.5 year old probably would've done the same. I'm don't think my dd has the maturity level to think to herself that she needs to walk away from a situation like that. But I haven't been around enough preschoolers to know if she's the "norm" or not.

If/when she comes back to school, then I'd have him apologize. But in the meantime, I wouldn't go out of my way to apologize.
Thanks mama! I really don't think preschoolers have the maturity to walk away, either. But DS1 has walked away from a lot when it comes to this little girl, so I was a little taken aback to find out he had hurt her feelings to this extreme, you know?

And then part of me thinks her mom is just being way over-reactive. I mean, really, keeping a 4 year old home from school for 2.5 days because of comments from other 4 year olds? I don't get it, but whatever .
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:33 AM   #5
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

I agree with the other mamas. My son will be 5 on Saturday and while he is normally a very sweet and laid back boy I don't expect him to have the sense to walk away if someone was consistently "picking" on him. I also expect him to stand up for himself and in a 4 years old's mind I suppose that means "picking" back.

Mine argue and hurt the feelings of the other from time to time but I explain to them how we should treat each other and I tell them to work it out. Conflict resolution is a part of life and letting her daughter stay home for this long (or even a day) over hurt feelings isn't awarding her with the life skills that she needs to function in society. All people aren't nice, we have to learn to live and associate with those people.

I say move on. An apology would be expected (from both sides) but so is forgiveness.

Good luck mama, sounds like a meeting with the other mama may be needed but challenging.
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:34 AM   #6
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

it doesnt sound like your son is 100% at fault. BUT since i have an overdramatic 5 year old girl i will say that a handmade card/picture does a lot to soothe hurt feelings. so if you want to have him do something maybe just a handmade "im sorry" card. and leave it at that. at this point none of the kids probably remember what was said.
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:21 AM   #7
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

Well, we were in a similar situation with our daughter a month or so ago.

I received a call around 8 pm from the mother of one of my 1st grader's classmates (the little girl in question is the oldest child and mom's a bit overprotective). According to the mom, her daughter was very upset that night and when she questioned her she found out that she was upset because my daughter pushed her on the bus (she fell and apparentkly hit her head) and my daughter also called her a knuckle sandwich. I immediately apologized to the mother (and she let me speak to the little girl as well and I apologized to her). I promised to talk to my daughter.

So, I talked to Abby (who has 2 older brothers and can be pretty assertive, but is generally a very well behaved and sensitive child) who burst into tears and admitted to the whole thing, but went on to explain the circumstanes further. It appears that the little girl took her mitten and wouldn't give it back all day. So, after school on the bus, Abby stood up for herself and it got a little over the top. Apparently, not too over the top because when I asked the bus driver, she didn't even know anything had happened and she's usually pretty observant.

Anyway, we had Abby make make a card apologizing to her friend. We explained to her that what the other girl did was not right, but that she needs to talk to a teacher or the bus driver rather than be mean back. We talked to the teacher and bus driver and asked them to keep an eye on the girls to make sure that nothing more was going on.

I saw the mom a couple of days later and stopped to make sure that her daughter was okay and told her that I was sure to slide in a very small comment about how we expected Abby to behave better and not retalliate. It's difficult IMO to instill proper response in our kids without letting them take all of the blame. Mom looked confused and I saw her asking her daughter about it.

The girls haven't had any problem since. In fact, she was at my daughter's party just a couple of days ago.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:19 AM   #8
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

I can't believe the mom is letting her stay home over hurt feelings this long. It seems to me that the mom is letting things go too far.

You talked to your son about what he did was wrong. I'd have him draw her an I'm sorry picture and either give it to her at school (if she comes back) or mail it to her. He should apologize but it doesn't need to be a huge thing. I know with my kids a picture or simple note is enough to sooth over hurt feelings.

If the other mom isn't happy with a note of apology then I'd talk with the teacher and see if in her eyes she thinks anything else is needed and then I'd move on.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:23 AM   #9
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

I would leave it alone too. I think you've done what you need to do already. If the other mother brings it up again I would let her know that your ds was responding in kind to her child, but you have talked to him about the appropriate way to handle his feelings. But I would only do that if the girl's mother continues to make a big deal of it. Otherwise its been addressed and its over and done with.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:23 AM   #10
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Re: DS1 hurt someone's feelings... WWYD?

I would leave it alone too. I think you've done what you need to do already. If the other mother brings it up again I would let her know that your ds was responding in kind to her child, but you have talked to him about the appropriate way to handle his feelings. But I would only do that if the girl's mother continues to make a big deal of it. Otherwise its been addressed and its over and done with.
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