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Old 04-13-2012, 03:50 PM   #11
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Jason was such a supportive, kind, good, attentive husband the first birth.. went to every appt, every U/S, always asked me if I was ok..this pregnancy..eh.. he isn't as excited. Only been to 1 appt I think, and the U/S, eh.. no biggy to me..he's a great dad

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Old 04-13-2012, 04:14 PM   #12
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

Aww I am so sorry your DH isn't giving you the support you need.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:30 PM   #13
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EuphoricDysphoria View Post
I have an ultrasound in 2 hours
I am sorry. My husband is happy we are having a baby but doesn't really show it. I think most people would think he was indifferent by watching his actions. I think we are view the pregnancy different then men because we are carrying the baby. We feel the bond so much more quicker than they do. Please share with us the ultrasound pic and tells us how the appt went. We are all excited about your little squishy!!!
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:41 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by bigmamakelsey
DH is (and was with DS1 as well) very detached from my pregnancies. Occasionally he will put his hand on my belly or talk to the baby, but usually it's me asking if he wants to feel him kick, ect. He barley looked up once at our 20 week u/s. He doesn't care about the heartbeat. He doesn't really talk about the arrival of the new baby unless I bring it up. Sometimes he'll mention to DS1 about being a big brother, but that's it. He even mentioned the other day when we were discussing the birth of the baby and what to do with DS1, and he basically said he wouldn't really care if he missed the birth while watching DS in another room. That REALLY hurt my feelings, not only that he'd be ok with missing that but because he is my main birth partner for the birth. It bothers me a lot, especially since I live and breathe birth. It is everything to me. I guess I just need to accept that it's not that important to him. He is a VERY good, attached dad once the baby arrives, though. I guess I just try and see the silver lining. I know it can hurt though, sorry mama
My DH would rather not be there either. I don't think I could make it if he wasn't tho. It was would hurt my feelings and I'd end up with a horrible labor.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:58 PM   #15
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

I'm sorry. I understand what you're going through.

My DH didn't give a crap about anything during any of my pregnancies. And they're very high risk, too. I have to go to a ton of appointments, go through a bunch of tests, and have an ultrasound every single month. I don't understand how he couldn't care about that, or want to be more involved. Like you, I felt a lot of resentment towards him each time. It just grew with each pregnancy until by the time I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant with my last one, I told him that I hated him. It was wrong to say that, I know, but it's truly how I felt at the time.

The odd thing is, even though he doesn't go to any of the million appointments I need and even though he seems totally disinterested in the pregnancy as a whole, he's the one who has always wanted a bunch of kids! He is the one who's always talking about having more. It's strange.
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:51 PM   #16
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

My DH was like this at first, but it just wasn't an option for me. I told him he could support me now or visit his newborn in Michigan in July (I moved away from my friends and family to be with him and his family in Texas). Not proud of making such an awful threat but I really did/do feel that strongly about it. It's not fair to be poked, prodded, and ever-expanding for 9 months while they go about their lives like nothing has changed.

Now he goes to every appointment, ultrasound, and test (and there are a lot - I have placenta previa and gestational diabetes). He feels the baby moving around, though sometimes I still have to direct him. I can tell it's hard for him, but he tries to be involved. Just like it's hard for me to be pregnant, but I try to not have raging temper tantrums everyday because of it.

Sorry, I don't accept the boys-will-be-boys mentality that it's okay for men to not care until the baby arrives.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:01 PM   #17
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

My DH is very much the same way. Even with our first baby, he went to the 1st appt, the 20 week us and the birth.... I did manage to drag him to a childbirth class, but he was kicking and screaming. Oh, and he came to the hospital when I had ptl. With the 2nd and 3rd same thing. And since I had to have a cerclage with them, he dropped me off at the hospital for the surgery, and then came back and picked me up a few hours later.

My mom was my main support person for birth with #1 and #2, I also had a doula with #2, and my mom didn't make it for #3, but I had one of my BFFs as my support person with #3. I really think that my DH just couldn't do it.... I think he felt vulnerable, and completely out of place.... I know that's weird to say, but that's what it seemed like. When I was in labor with #3, my BFF who had her last baby naturally at a birth center (I had planned a homebirth but was induced at 42 weeks) was the one rubbing my back, pushing on my hips, and she was the one I was leaning on when I squated and breathed through contractions. In fact, I distinctly remember, I was in transition, I was miserable because my laxation techniques weren't working anymore and I was on my knees on the hospital bed, dropped over her shoulders moaning through a contraction, telling her I couldn't do it anymore and she was swaying with me, softly telling me I was doing it, it was almost over, being my ROCK! And I could see DH shuffling behind her, looking like he wanted to be that for me, but physically couldn't do it. I felt really sad for me that I had to rely on other people to do HIS job, and really really sad for him that he was missing out on such an intimate moment with me .

We recently moved, but she and I have already discussed that since I tend to have long labors, she will probably be able to make the 4 hour drive to be my support person again when I get pregnant with #4.

My advice, feel sorry for him, not yourself, he's the one missing out, and find yourself a really good support person you can talk to and to help you through the birth
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:38 AM   #18
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My DH doesn't got to appts or anything, I am actually lucky if he takes time off work so I don't have to take the other 3 kids with me. He doesn't care to feel the baby (but he will humor me if I put his hand on my belly). He is an amazing father and I guess that is all I can ask for. I am guessing it's not really real until they hold the baby since they don't feel it in them ect... Plus they don't have mother instinct.

I am trying to figure out how to get DH more involved in the labor room so I can get the birth plan I want this time (not putting much on him but I need some help).

I would say as long as he is a good dad to your kids don't worry about it. Some men just don't get it!
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:22 AM   #19
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to all of you!!!

DH and I had a long talk again and I THINK we are now on the same page.

It's such a comfort to know Im not alone. . A bittersweet comfort
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Old 04-14-2012, 12:45 PM   #20
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Re: Anyone else have a SO who could care less?

My husband doesn't get amped about my pregnancies at all. In fact, his first sentence after I told him I was pregnant with baby #1 was, "Well, I guess we'll have to tell the insurance company." And baby was planned! haha.

He was the same way for all 4 of my pregnancies... Never really cared to feel the baby move or go to appts. with me. We didn't find out the gender for 3 of the 4 kids and I thought when preggo with #4 that he would be more bonded if he knew the gender and he wanted to find out. So we did and he was still so nonchallant! haha.

I was hurt during my 1st pregnancy, but realized it's so normal. My old midwife said a woman becomes a mom the instant she gets pregnant and a man becomes a father when he holds the baby in his arms. SO TRUE! My husband is an amazinggggg dad.

Try not to be too hard on him. I think men feel a lot more than they let on while their wives are pregnant (worry about wives' health, baby's health, finances with an extra one, the unknown). I think it's kind of a vulnerable feeling and they don't like that.
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