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Old 11-02-2011, 12:10 PM   #1
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Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

Well, I've been really wanting to post about this for a long time. I am interested in advice, opinions, or both. My husband and I have been married for 16.5 years. Our kids are BOYS: almost 16, 12, and 27m. Girls: 10, 6, 4, 5m. (TODAY!) He has 2 grown sons, ages 22 and 23, with whom he has had very "limited" contact. DH was not married to their mom, but they did live together for approx 6 yrs. They were not together when we met. 12 years ago we moved 3 hours north of the cities where we were living. During the last 12 years his boys visited our house maybe 2 or 3 times. Our own kids obviously have not spent much, if any, time with the "boys", and our younger kids really didn't know much about them.

One year ago, his older boy came to "visit" us. He came up here, with basically no "plans" of either going home or staying with us. He went to work for my husband at his business, which is a successful automotive repair shop. His son has no formal training, no certification in this field, so I of course reminded DH to "watch" him very-very closely, as working on people's vehicles is extremely serious, and DH agreed. So, then my mother died, "C" went back home (his mom's house) and we went to my home state for my mom's funeral. We returned home, and there was no contact with "C" about coming back. UNTIL this past July 2. Our 7th baby was born on June 2. 2 weeks later I started reading on Fb that C was "moving up north to live with my dad". I was a little shocked. I was 4 weeks PP, had just had my 3rd CS, had 6 other kids, a big house to take care of. and without warning, without consulting me, I'm adding another member to our household. Personally, I think it's HUGE, adding a 10th person to the household. I know he's an adult, I don't have to "take care" of him, but still. and then there's the fact that my husband did not even consult me, ask me, let me know. So, when "C" arrived, I asked him if he "had a plan". "how long would you like to stay here, C?" his response was always, "I don't know". He has a "child support obligation" of approx. 400 per month. "Back home" he did not have a job, he lost his DL b/c of not paying his CS. So, that was his first goal, I guess, once he started working again up here. His DL was re-instated. So, after that, he said he was "trying to get a car". I asked him if he had plans to get his own place. I asked him if he was planning to make "this area" his home. he said he did not know. I told him "I've heard the rent is pretty cheap around here." He said there's no way he can afford to get his own place. He has no furniture, so he said. I told him that I could help him look for a place. You can rent efficiencies (sp?) for 350-400 /mo, incl. utilites. I told him about FREECycle. I've tried over the last 4 mos to involve my DH this situation. To him, it's no big deal that his son live here "indefinitely". Doesn't matter that he's an adult (age 24 in the spring), doesn't matter that we already have a household of 9. Doesn't matter that I had just had a baby, via major ABDOMINAL surgery. Doesn't matter that we really don't have room for another ADULT in this house. C is sleeping on a mattress in the toy room. I hate that! You know, I don't mind having company. I like being a good hostess. C has used one of my husband's vehicles to "go out" on a few dif. occasions, he drove "back home" 4 hours one weekend. He doesn't contribute to our HH expenses or help out around here. One time I sugested that C pay the Public utility bill (160 one month) and all hell broke loose. recently,I asked C how it's going, and how he's doing saving for a car, and if he had "a plan" yet? No plan, he was paying his 400/mo CS (though he claimed "the county" lost his last payment so they had a warrant out for him... GREAT. but that was fixed. ) I asked how close he was to getting a car. I ABOUT FELL OVER WHEN HE TOLD ME HE HAD ABOUT 300.00 SAVE. Seriously?!?! Cautiously, I asked DH if he communicates with C? He's like, "yeah". I said, "he told me he has 300 saved for a car. Is that a problem?" DH said, "yes, that's a problem". I really have no idea what he's been doing with his cash. Well, I've been in contact with a few people from my church. Really no help. Our pastor says, "I'll be having a converstation with him soon.....". NOTHING> I don't know what I should REALLY be thinking? Does anyone think this situation is OK? Am I being a B-word? Really, I like C. I've told him that. I told him I think he should stay up here, not go back "home". but that it would be helpful to all of us if he had his own place. My husband pays him 350 every friday. That may not sound like a lot to some of us, but really, besides his CS he just has himself to provide for. Oh, and his child, he has absolutely no contact with, as far as I know. My husband has never seen her. I feel sick, so sick about that. Poor little child. a little girl, a year younger than one of our little girls. How sad. but sorry to say, that's how my husband has been with his "two", not quite that bad, they did see each other. somewhat. My husband's parents (both sets) are pretty much "not around". And probably my husband would be that way with our kids if we had been in that situation. so sad. anyway, IF anyone has read this entire VENT, thank you so much. It feels good to write it all down. I have a couple friends with whom I've shared this story...... I guess I 'm just looking for some words of wisdom or advice. Yes, my husband is pretty much a Non-communicator, which really pisses me off, to put it nicely,...... thanks for listening.....

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Old 11-02-2011, 02:51 PM   #2
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You are not a b-word. Its understandable. If he was paying or helping out, even just with the kids, it would easier. But he is an uninvited guest. I would say kick him out but it might b weird with working with ur dh. That way he has to get an apartment. Tell him you have x time before you have to be gone or were kicking u out to try to get him to grow up. He might not see the lil girl but at least hes actually paying the support.
Im sorry you have to go through this, kinda alone. i hope you find a solution. And yes, i read the whole rant.

Sent from my Inspire. Hope everything makes sense!
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Old 11-02-2011, 07:16 PM   #3
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

Your husband needs to tell him to man up and take responsibility for himself and his child. If he is old enough to have a child, then he needs to support that child and himself. I have no issue with adult children living at home if they are saving/paying off loans or what ever but enough is enough. I'd tell him with your husband he has 90 days to make a plan and get out. If not, he's finding his stuff on the curb. He will pay $75 a week in rent as well as his child support and dad as his employer needs to send it to the office or where ever it is supposed to go. If you are feeding him, that still gives him plenty of money.

I feel your pain. We have adult kid drama too.
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Old 11-02-2011, 07:25 PM   #4
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

First off, I think you really need to talk to your DH and decide what you want to do together. If you really want him out, don't make him start paying rent now, that means he's a tenant and has rights about eviction, etc. I sort of know what you're going through... I mean, I'm the oldest of five, but the only one who is officially out of my parents house. That includes my 30yo sister, her hubby and two kids!! They have a household of 9 too - and my mom is forever complaining that they are grown adults (the youngest is 20) and they are driving her nuts!!

HUGS! You definitely don't need this stress a month after a baby and CS!
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Old 11-03-2011, 11:15 AM   #5
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

I really appreciate the responses, ladies. As I said, I've shared this situation with a select few people IRL (a total of 4 close friends) AND both my MILs (DHS mom and step mom) and NOT ONE person thinks this is an OK or GOOD arrangement. I guess what really bothered me in the FIRST PLACE was that I was not consulted AT ALL by my husband prior to the arrival of C. I mean, seriously, how can he think that's acceptable? My sister and her 5 yr old DD came to visit for one week, 2 weeks after the birth of our most recent baby. I consulted my DH about this visit well in advance. I mean, my husband literally said NOT ONE WORD TO ME about having a "visitor" let alone an addition to our household. It baffles me.

And then there's the other issue with DH. I've talked with him maybe 2 or 3 times since C's arrival, regarding the entire thing, and it always turns into a FIGHT, which I can't stand. He and I don't fight, usually, I mean, we've had issues (don't we all) that have come up, but generally speaking things are pretty peaceful. It's my belief that my husband is likely dealing with "guilt" over his lack of involvement, but of course he would never, ever admit it. I honestly think that in his mind he did every thing "right". so, I must admit that the idea of bringing this up again with DH brings about a fair amount of "fear" for me. Someone here suggested giving C "90 days",and while I realize you may have been just throwing a number out there, 90 more days is way-way-way too long. November marks the start of the 5th month. I'm feeling like this young man is a free loader. I don't like feeling that way, and yes generally speaking I like the guy. I can tell you that C is a person who feels very sorry for himself, he's always the victim. All a person has to do is read his FB comments. well anyway, thanks again for listening! I appreciate it.... oh, and the person who suggested 75.00/ week for rent.... WOW that's exactly the dollar amount I;ve had in mind the whole time. lol....
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Old 11-03-2011, 11:48 AM   #6
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My opinion is that's your husband's son. Your husband wasn't around to raise him and now his son wants to be taken care of by him. Seems like you just want the kid to go away, so you can have your family to yourself. This man is FAMILY.

Do I think you should kick him out? NO.

How can you expect him to "man up and take care of his child" when YOUR HUSBAND wasn't involved in HIS life!?

Talk to your husband about this. Tell him to work out a plan with him and stick to it.
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Old 11-03-2011, 12:14 PM   #7
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I'm going to be a dissenter among PPs here. Instead of looking at him as a guest... How would you feel about it if he was your son, instead of your stepson? Would you be trying to kick him out the door because he is sleeping on the floor or because you just had a baby? Because he IS your DH's son, whether he's been involved or not. He's just wanting to do the best he can for all his children.

That being said, helping out with bills and responsibilities should be expected for anyone living in a house. Everyone needs to sit down and discuss and divvy up those responsibilities together. If nothing else, he should be helping cover his share of utilities and food. I agree that $75 is reasonable.

Any typos are probably a combination of my phone and poor proofreading!
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Old 11-03-2011, 12:51 PM   #8
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I know people have said that he is family(treat him like your son) and because of that it is okay that he is there, but he is also an ADULT. My son would not be able to live with me at that age without having to contribute to the household. He is old enough to have responsibilities. I am sorry that talking to your husband ends in a fight, but how else is this supposed to be dealt with? Your husband should respect and listen to your feelings on this. You have supported his grown son for almost 6 months, how much longer does he expect to continue? Would talking about to your husband about his expectations with this situation help?
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:50 AM   #9
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

You can always save the money for him and not spend it/put in in a separate bank account for when he has his own family/needs it for something. But, there needs to be some expectations that either he help out around the house, pay rent or get out or a combination of all of them. I'd stop cooking/cleaning for him in less you are just making a family meal and not cater to him at all as he's grown. Its a frustrating thing with parents with adult kids, especially with new families. We are in the same situation and its hard to find that balance, especially when you didn't get the opportunity to raise that "child" and the values/beliefs/life style choices are so different. Often, Dad's or the NCP get blamed for the lack of relationship, but the system is set up where the NCP's are just there to pay child support (if they pay) and limited visitation (which is encouraged by some, like my husband's ex, as child support is linked to visitation amount and the less visitation, more money - of course, if you are refused its not linked). The system is a mess and ultimately has a negative impact all the way around.
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:20 AM   #10
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Re: Care to give me advice/opinions on this living arrangement w/ Dhs grown SON?

have you offered to help him make a budget and come up with a plan? Relistically if he has 300 dollars to his name and no car it could be awhile before he is solidly on his feet and ready to be out on his own.

Obviously asking him if he has a plan is NOT working so I would tell him something like "lets sit down on saturday and come up with a plan for you to be working towards"

Can he and your husband go and set up a savings account in both names and have him deposit an agreed amount in each week after he is paid? I would say 125 a week which is half his check after child support. that gives him 125 for whatever.

I would also have him be resposible for his own breakfast and lunch. Half you thought about helping him with a budget? If he was never taught it does not come naturally or easily to some people expecially when you dont HAVE to pay something every month.

Is there a sibling he can share a room with? I know your a full house but hes there and it looks like for a while. I would find a room that you can squeze him a bed and a dresser into.

He doesnt see his child have you spoke with him about whether this is his choice or if he has some visitation write or what ? Your husband failed in showing him how a father should be there while a kids growing up if you can stop your step son from abandoning his daughter please do. Offer the vehicle for him to go visit her, encourage phone calls, letters, pictures, whatever... you cant make your stepson man up but you or your husband can admit that it was wrong your husband was not a steady figure there to guide him through his childhood and try and get him to do the right thing by your grandchild.
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