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Old 04-18-2012, 08:39 PM   #1
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If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

I'm having this baby at a birth center and Carlos is not enthused. He pretty much said he'd go along with it because he can't force me to go to the hospital, but he said I'm "weird" and that he feels like the place is "too natural" because there aren't any machines or anything (they're in the closets, duh!). Isn't that the point? I keep trying to explain my POV to him but he doesn't want to hear it. He knows what I think but he thinks that I'm backwards and strange for wanting to do things naturally and he said that he wishes I was normal and that I'd just go to the hospital and follow standard birth procedure like "normal" women.

It really hurts my feelings. He thinks that all of my opinions about birth come from the internet and suggested cutting it off so I didn't get any more ideas... Um, no. I wanted to have a natural birth with my daughter, when I was 16 and before I was on DS or in any mothering group. I failed because my support people pushed me to have the epi and eroded all the faith I had in myself and my body. I've always felt strongly that natural is best, and to be honest if we were to put a start date on any of it, it all began when I was in 6th grade and took world cultures and started studying world religions, especially buddhism, druid and wicca on my own time. I have tons of homeopathy and herb books, books about meditation, spells, and crystals. So I've always thought how I think. I've educated myself through the internet, but he seems to think that there is like some cult of strange natural mamas on here who are brain washing me to make stupid decisions that go against the norm.

I mean, he sat there in our orientation and listened to the MALE midwife with over 30 years experience explain the benefits of natural birth, delayed cord clamping, skin to skin contact, etc. But apparently none of that sunk in because to him birth is still an emergency and I should just go to the hospital and let they do what they will to me and my baby because that's what normal people do.

UGHHH I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW Does anyone else have a partner who feels this way about your birth choices? Tell me I'm not alone. I feel like I shouldn't even be continuing to procreate with this idiot right this minute because he is so closed minded and acts like my endless self education is stupidity incarnate.

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Old 04-18-2012, 08:53 PM   #2
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

Hang in there momma! Good thing it is your choice! My DH said no to a home-birth and we birthed in a birth center too. DH thought home-birth was too out there so that was our compromise. Also I agree natural birth has been around long before hospital births came to be routine. Maybe you should have him watch "Business of Being Born". That really opened DH's eyes to the realities of hospital births. Also I don't think the internet can persuade someone to natural birth it has to be a decision within you. Hopefully you have a great support system this time because you will need it when the baby comes.
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Old 04-18-2012, 09:20 PM   #3
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

Oh mama, Im so sorry. With my first baby (i was 20 when he was born) my husband used to make comments to everyone that "if she had her way shed be having this baby in the bathtub at home!" which was true. I ended up choosing a CNM at the OB office because it was the closest thing to a compromise with the limited birth options where we lived at the time (Myrtle Beach, SC). We went in when my water broke, which was my first mistake, and I was augmented with put 12 hours later, the nurses told DH that I was "crazy" for refusing the epi and HE ended up talking me into it .

When I got pregnant with DS2, I tried and tried to talk him into a homebirth, but he was hell bent against it. I went with the same CNM, but that time, I contacted a local doula and childbirth educator who took me on pro bono because we were on Medicaid, and she and my CNM talked the hospital into allowing me to bring in an aqua doula for labor (they wouldn't "allow" me to birth in it) but when my water broke and there was mechonium in the fluid and my midwife was stuck in WV due to flight delays or car trouble (can't remember, she was there for thanksgiving) the OB on call refused to let me use the tub and even with a doula, my birth was almost identical to the first one . Only difference was DH didn't say a WORD about the epi, DS2 was sunny side up and I couldn't handle it strapped to the bed with monitors and pit, so I requested it.

When I got pregnant with DS3, I told him I didn't care what he wanted for the birth. I had done it his way 2 times and both times ended up with every intervention except a csection and I was having a homebirth whether he liked it or not. If he couldn't handle it, he could go somewhere else while I had the baby, and if he refused to pay (which wasn't ALOT, there was a homebirth midwife who was taking Medicaid, I only had to come up with an additional $750) I would find some way to pay for it myself (in the end, my mom payed for it). I ended up being induced at 42 weeks due to SC state midwifery and homebirth laws, but I did manage to go epi free which was very healing for me and the new OB I had during that pregnancy was homebirth friendly and honored all of my wishes for the birth except allowing us to bring in a tub because they didn't have wireless monitors and since I was on pit for the induction I needed constant monitoring. I had an amazing nurse who skipped her lunch break to stay with me and hold the monitors on my belly so I would be able to labor off the bed and a close friend was there as my doula because dh was incapable of being my support system, and unfortunately, my mom wasn't able to be there till the next day.

I wish I could tell you he will come around, but 3 pregnancies and hoping for anoth with my own DH showed that to be untrue for me. The best I can tell you is to keep on truckin. You have confidence in your body, a history of good births and a good birth team in place. You may have to flat out tell him that this is no longer up for discussion. As a Christian wife, it was hard for me to tell DH that his opinion didn't matter the last time, but I did in the most respectful way I could and told him that if he was willing to watch some videos, go to childbirth classes, read some stats, he would understand why I felt being home was the safest option for me, but since he wasn't, and he could not provide ANY research or data to back up his reasons why I should go to the hospital (because there aren't any and he refused to do the research), I had to make this decision for me and our baby.

Good luck and BIG
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Old 04-18-2012, 09:34 PM   #4
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

If he's anything like my DH, his mind will be changed after he sees you do it. My first 3 were hospital births, with epis that DH encouraged because he couldn't stand feeling so helpless and seeing me "go through that." I always had problems with the epis, and just did not have a great experience in the hospital, ever. With my 4th, I knew I wanted something different. I was comfortable with a homebirth, but DH was not, and he was very very insistent about it. We found a nurse midwife, who was able to do things like IVs if necessary, and we found a birth house close to the hospital (actually, it was my doula's house where she had a birthing suite set up for that specific purpose). It was a good compromise for us. DH was still not really convinced, and he did use those words like "weird" and "hippie", but I just laughed him off, and made him meet me halfway. After DS was born, peacefully in the birthing pool, weighing 9 lbs 10 oz (a full 2 lbs bigger than any of my other babies!) DH said something like, "maybe this midwife thing is the way to go." He couldn't believe how simple and easy the whole process of birth can be, and he was so proud of me! I am forever grateful to him for admitting that he was wrong. I have had 2 homebirths since then, the most recent one being an unplanned (well, kinda planned, but don't tell anyone I said that, lol) unassisted birth. DH has even bragged about me to his coworkers, who are all men, which I think is so funny and so sweet. Stink to your guns, mama. Don't let him have his way. This is your birth!
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Old 04-18-2012, 09:53 PM   #5
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

Thanks ladies. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. I just soaked in the tub for an hour to cool off, I was so pissed. @ Brittney, I'm sorry your DH hasn't come around. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

I'm just so confused because he's all for the no meds aspect of it after our last birth--I had a natural birth in the hospital with DS, and he even made sure to remind me I didn't want the epi, like I asked. It was HARD, DS was sunny side up and I had the worst back labor but he never one encouraged drugs or questioned me during the birth. After Wes was born, he went with him when they took him away and told me how he was so awake and alert compared to all the other babies, he was so proud of me for going epi free. He saw how hard I had to fight to have what I wanted which, in the end, wasn't all respected. He saw how uncomfortable I was being stuck in the hospital and having to argue with the doctors and nurses.

I originally wanted a homebirth with DS and he was adamantly against it. I didn't know about this birth center then so I compromised and did my natural birth at the hospital. I feel like having a birth center birth is meeting him half way. It's literally 5 minutes from the affiliated hospital, so if anything would go wrong, we'd be transferred in no time at all. So I just don't understand why he would not want me to be in a birthing center with like-minded people so that I can be comfortable and feel safe during a very important life changing event, instead of feeling tense and uncomfortable and worried that things won't be done according to my wishes. *sigh*
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Old 04-18-2012, 09:54 PM   #6
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

I think I'm going to look into getting a doula. I wanted one last time and he said no...but I really need more support (and rubs! LOL!) than he can give during labor. I guess if he doesn't like it, he can wait outside.
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Old 04-18-2012, 10:27 PM   #7
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

I feel your pain!! DH and I just had a similar arguement but ours bled over into his not wanting me to babywear, co-sleep or cloth diaper.
Around here, we don't have many birthing options. We live in the Bible Belt and everything is very conservative. The closest midwife is over 100 miles away. So it will be a hospital birth. I told him about "interviewing" OBs soon to find one that will respect and encourage my birthing choices and he thinks I'm just being difficult. Here, it's rare a birthing mama gets off the bed, much less walks around, takes a bath (there are no baths at the hospital) or does anything else. But my birthing experience with DS wasn't terrible; the OB and nurses tried to follow my birthing plan as much as the hospital would allow. (DS is not my DH's son so this is his first birth experience).
Like you, natural birth, babywearing, co-sleeping and cloth diapering are not something I think I can budge on. After he told me all of this, I blew up at him and said "What, are you going to tell me I can't breastfeed next? Or are you going to tell me how to be pregnant? You have no idea what you're talking about!"
There are plenty of us going through the same thing and it's not easy. I'm not sure what to tell you because I'm obviously pregnant and flying off the handle easily and have not come up with any good way to handle it. But good luck and you're not alone.
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Old 04-19-2012, 12:04 AM   #8
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I tell DH none of it is open for discussion unless he comes ready to debate fairly, with research and reputable sources to back up his arguments.

I want what I want and have research to prove that what I want is not detrimental to me or my child. If he wants something different, he owes me the respect to approach the conversation with an open mind and similarly well-researched.

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Old 04-19-2012, 12:23 AM   #9
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We have 2 and one on the way. We weren't together for the first one and he wasn't apart of the birth. It was an induction that eneded with a csection. When I found out I was pregnancy with #2 I knew right away I wanted a vbac. I wasn't sure about home birth still. I had said something to DH and he said yeah when pigs fly! He didn't understand why I wanted a vbac. On the day I found out I was having another csection I cried the entire day. It was so upsetting to me. And then the spinal was awful. It took so many painful tries to get it in. DH layer told me he could hear me crying in the hall and he'd never heard someone in so much pain. And then the recovery was hard. I had a spinal with no morphine and then the pain medicine they were suppose to give me got delayed. The spinal wore off and I had nothing in my system for the pain. Once we got home I needed DH to wash me in the shower and put my clothes on. After all of that he finally figured out why I didn't want a csection.

So this time I didn't even ask I just hired a midwife. He made a few comments like the money I'm paying her is a waste I'm just going to have a csection. After a few comments I finally told him this is how its happening and explained his roll. He hasn't said anything neg since. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy still. But once it happens I think he will see the difference and be on board if there is a next time.

I hope your DH comes around once it happens!
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Old 04-19-2012, 05:10 AM   #10
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Re: If you natural/home birth, does your partner think it's strange?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TattoedMama View Post
I feel your pain!! DH and I just had a similar arguement but ours bled over into his not wanting me to babywear, co-sleep or cloth diaper.
Around here, we don't have many birthing options. We live in the Bible Belt and everything is very conservative. The closest midwife is over 100 miles away. So it will be a hospital birth. I told him about "interviewing" OBs soon to find one that will respect and encourage my birthing choices and he thinks I'm just being difficult. Here, it's rare a birthing mama gets off the bed, much less walks around, takes a bath (there are no baths at the hospital) or does anything else. But my birthing experience with DS wasn't terrible; the OB and nurses tried to follow my birthing plan as much as the hospital would allow. (DS is not my DH's son so this is his first birth experience).
Like you, natural birth, babywearing, co-sleeping and cloth diapering are not something I think I can budge on. After he told me all of this, I blew up at him and said "What, are you going to tell me I can't breastfeed next? Or are you going to tell me how to be pregnant? You have no idea what you're talking about!"
There are plenty of us going through the same thing and it's not easy. I'm not sure what to tell you because I'm obviously pregnant and flying off the handle easily and have not come up with any good way to handle it. But good luck and you're not alone.
I'm glad that DF is supportive of my CDing and BFing, but its really more of a cultural thing for him than that he actual supports the choices Ive researched and made--he's from El Salvador and pretty much everyone CDs and extended BFs, even in the cities where he grew up, because its so much cheaper and jobs are scarce. He used to complain about my babywearing too, he would get really embarrassed whenever we went out in public and I wrapped in the parking lot, and would always push me to bring the stroller instead. He said that I looked like "una india" (an Indian lady) and that it embarrassed him to be seen with me wrapping my kid on my back like a poor woman. Again, a cultural thing...strollers are apparently a sign of wealth :headsratch: because some of my wraps cost more than the stupid stroller we never use. In the end it wasn't my arguments that won him over but DS's clear preference for being wrapped. We would often take the stroller and about 30 minutes into the trip he would end up wrapped on my back and eventually fall asleep. So then DF would be stuck pushing an empty stroller around Now he still doesn't love it, but he tolerates it and doesn't comment. DS is almost 2 and I wore him grocery shopping the other day for 2 hours and he was so good, he cried when I took him down to get in the car!

Hang in there mama You know that you are making the best choices for your babies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmmaGM View Post
I tell DH none of it is open for discussion unless he comes ready to debate fairly, with research and reputable sources to back up his arguments.

I want what I want and have research to prove that what I want is not detrimental to me or my child. If he wants something different, he owes me the respect to approach the conversation with an open mind and similarly well-researched.

Sent from my Galaxy Skyrocket using DS Forum
This is exactly how I feel...the man doesn't read or research anything, and it was one of my points! He just thinks what he thinks, and since he thinks so it must be true. He has no desire to learn about other ways or other points of view. It's infuriating! I feel like he is purposefully ignorant so he can continue to justify whatever he believes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jaelynsmommy61607 View Post
We have 2 and one on the way. We weren't together for the first one and he wasn't apart of the birth. It was an induction that eneded with a csection. When I found out I was pregnancy with #2 I knew right away I wanted a vbac. I wasn't sure about home birth still. I had said something to DH and he said yeah when pigs fly! He didn't understand why I wanted a vbac. On the day I found out I was having another csection I cried the entire day. It was so upsetting to me. And then the spinal was awful. It took so many painful tries to get it in. DH layer told me he could hear me crying in the hall and he'd never heard someone in so much pain. And then the recovery was hard. I had a spinal with no morphine and then the pain medicine they were suppose to give me got delayed. The spinal wore off and I had nothing in my system for the pain. Once we got home I needed DH to wash me in the shower and put my clothes on. After all of that he finally figured out why I didn't want a csection.

So this time I didn't even ask I just hired a midwife. He made a few comments like the money I'm paying her is a waste I'm just going to have a csection. After a few comments I finally told him this is how its happening and explained his roll. He hasn't said anything neg since. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy still. But once it happens I think he will see the difference and be on board if there is a next time.

I hope your DH comes around once it happens!
Aw mama I hope everything works out and you get your VBA2C1
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