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Old 05-05-2012, 01:42 PM   #21
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I did not have a failed VBAC and never will, because I cannot have children any other way than by c-section. I did not know this until my due date, when my baby hadn't dropped and my doctor told me his suspicion was that my pelvic arch was far too narrow. My mom's was the exact same way and found out when her water broke with me, and I got so stuck I was a true emergency c-section.

So, I went into this with my mom's wisdom. She had 29 years to get over it to help me not freak out. She had both my brother and I by C/S. She reminded me of the people he and I are, and what we have contributed to the world. How she can honestly say the world is a better place because of some particular small and large things we have done. You never know what your children are destined for. One of them may do something truly great.

Maybe you couldn't get them out on your own, but you grew them. You gave them their genes, nourished them in utero, and obviously have that mama bear fighting instinct that will make sure they turn into good little citizens. Your mind and your heart will teach them to read, and the difference between right and wrong, and how to love with all their hearts. No matter how they got here.

So what if you couldn't birth them totally on your own and needed surgical help to do that last little bit. That C/S was 45 mins after 40 weeks of growing that person. A microcosm in a larger macrocosm. You need to be nice to yourself. Teach your kids to be as good as they can be to their fellow citizens, this planet, and everyone around them. Then, you will be a success.
What a fantastic perspective mama; thank you for that

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Old 05-25-2012, 06:10 PM   #22
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

I understand the feelings of grief and loss. I had an emergency C/S after DD went into fetal distress, but I didn't know the cause until 5 months ago. I just knew they rushed in, threw scrubs at DH, and off we went to the ER. I did not get to see my baby for 5 hrs after she was born, except for a quick kiss on the forehead before they took her to the nursery. I was shaky and they refused to bring her to me in recovery. I was so depressed, but nobody else understood. I was told to just be grateful and get over it. My OB moved to another state shortly after, and I never thought to ask for the record. I just suffered in silence and felt like a failure until I got pregnant with this one and my new OB requested the record. Then I started talking to a doula who gave me these:

http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/C...begrateful.htm

http://www.ican-online.org/

I read the essay and just cried, all this time later. I finally felt healed.

Now I have placenta previa and may need a planned or ER C/S, after hoping for a VBAC, but I have toured the new hospital and have been assured that the first experience will not be repeated.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:42 PM   #23
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

Hugs momma's! I just had a failed vbac with my 2nd. Only I made it to 9cm and then a had a horrible time in the OR which resulted in me being sedated more and not remembering the 1st time I met my daughter. Mine wasnt necessarily a result of my body not being able to do it though the dr said there seemed to be signs of a threatening rupture. Babys oxygen lvls dropped and despite positioning and oxygen wouldnt lvl out. Turns out the cord had gotten wrapped round DD neck then around her arm. As much as it pains me that I probably wont be able to try again due the threat of rupture I fully believe that God played a hand in what happened. If I had tried to push her out there is no telling if she would still be here in my arms.

I had desperately wanted to give birth naturally not only so It would be easier on me taking care of a 20 mth old at home but because I am a woman. Giving birth is something we do not something that happens to us. I felt it would make me complete as a woman. I now have to make peace with that is just not gonna happen and Just leave it be at I make beautiful, Healthy baby's!
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Old 06-09-2012, 05:03 PM   #24
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

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Old 06-14-2012, 02:35 PM   #25
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

Yep, me too.

It sucks, the feeling of failure. The feeling that this basic biological function of being a woman is something you did not do. That in the whole scheme of things, you are an evolutionary 'failure'. The thing is, here in the developed countries, we are insulated to just how dangerous pregnancy & birth is. It's shockingly common how many babies and mothers die due to pregnancy & birth. Even if someone has had uneventful births in the past, each pregnancy & birth is different. I know a mom who had 4 uneventful births, and then hemoraghed with the 5th. I know moms who had 3rd & 4th degree tears. Here, they get stitched up, but in nature, there's no 'fixing' that. They would be the ones dribbling pee & poop everywhere.

You can also flip it around. Famine is sadly quite common throughout history. Perhaps you would be the woman having a good sized baby during times of hunger/little food. Right now, with abundant food, it's not so adaptive, but in the past, it helped your ancestors survive. Thankfully, with this time of abundant food, there is also the option of safe cesarean.

Personally, realizing how chancey it really is has helped me accept both of my c/s. I am very, very glad to live in an age where I AND my babies have a great chance for surviving birth & pregnancy.

You are more than a Uterus. You are a mother, raising her children to be the best people they can be. Giving birth vaginally, breastfeeding, etc does not make one a mother. The world is rife with women who did that and neglected their kids, abused them, etc. This is such a small part of your children's lives. My mother gave birth to me vaginally, but formula fed me. I never remember when either of those things mattered to me, growing up or now. What mattered was how she mothered me.

As for more children, right now you are very very raw. After my second c/s I wasn't sure if I wanted more kids. I now know I do want one or two more, in time. I am still thinking over if I should even try for a VBA2C or just get a RCS. I myself have some fear issues around surgery, too, so that muddles things. I guess, what I am saying, is that right now, you don't have to make major life decisions. Whether to have more or not, give it some time.

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Old 07-21-2012, 12:08 AM   #26
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JnS Mama View Post
Yep, me too.

It sucks, the feeling of failure. The feeling that this basic biological function of being a woman is something you did not do. That in the whole scheme of things, you are an evolutionary 'failure'. The thing is, here in the developed countries, we are insulated to just how dangerous pregnancy & birth is. It's shockingly common how many babies and mothers die due to pregnancy & birth. Even if someone has had uneventful births in the past, each pregnancy & birth is different. I know a mom who had 4 uneventful births, and then hemoraghed with the 5th. I know moms who had 3rd & 4th degree tears. Here, they get stitched up, but in nature, there's no 'fixing' that. They would be the ones dribbling pee & poop everywhere.

You can also flip it around. Famine is sadly quite common throughout history. Perhaps you would be the woman having a good sized baby during times of hunger/little food. Right now, with abundant food, it's not so adaptive, but in the past, it helped your ancestors survive. Thankfully, with this time of abundant food, there is also the option of safe cesarean.

Personally, realizing how chancey it really is has helped me accept both of my c/s. I am very, very glad to live in an age where I AND my babies have a great chance for surviving birth & pregnancy.

You are more than a Uterus. You are a mother, raising her children to be the best people they can be. Giving birth vaginally, breastfeeding, etc does not make one a mother. The world is rife with women who did that and neglected their kids, abused them, etc. This is such a small part of your children's lives. My mother gave birth to me vaginally, but formula fed me. I never remember when either of those things mattered to me, growing up or now. What mattered was how she mothered me.

As for more children, right now you are very very raw. After my second c/s I wasn't sure if I wanted more kids. I now know I do want one or two more, in time. I am still thinking over if I should even try for a VBA2C or just get a RCS. I myself have some fear issues around surgery, too, so that muddles things. I guess, what I am saying, is that right now, you don't have to make major life decisions. Whether to have more or not, give it some time.

Ami
I love this response so much.^

I had a similar experience, OP. Gained outrageous weight with my son, ate like crap. He was 10 lbs at birth, elective csection because they knew he would be huge. I was mad that I wasn't given the chance. I did think my poor eating habits contributed to his birth weight.
Prepared for a vbac with my second. Ate extremely healthy, only gained FIFTEEN pounds the entire pregnancy. Exercised, etc. My CNMs were suppportive of me trying for a VBAC. Towards the end of my pregnancy I decided the risks outweighed the benefits of VBAC for us and I chose instead to have another cesarean. My midwives had no part in this btw, they were a little surprised. I ended up with another 10 lber.
In hindsight I am glad and proud of my c-sections. My babies might not be here today, at least in the way they are now. The NCB community puts so much emphasis on vaginal birth and yes, it is a beautiful thing. But we can't keep seeing ourselves as failures just because we have c-sections. We are the true winners to be living in an age where we *have* this option and can snuggle our babies, safe and sound.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:11 PM   #27
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

*BIG HUGS* I have and continue to go through the SAME emotions. I have 3 children (ages 12, 5 and 4) and am Due in November with #4.

#1 I had it all planned- I was going to do a natural birth- no meds- no c-section nothing. Daughter was 2 weeks "late" so was induced and I did great- went 20+ hours of labor without any medicine- I was so focused on breathing it was great. However I would not dilate past a 2 for anything- the Dr was already having reservations when I had my first OB appointment because I have "very narrow pelvic bones"? So after 20 hours of labor and 2 days without sleep and the c-section looking immanent, I opted to have an epidural. I was surprised the epidural didn't hurt like I thought- my labor pretty much stopped after the epidural and tearfully I agreed to have the c-section. I was lucky enough that my OB was the on call Dr that night too! My aunt had given me a lot of support- as she was the only woman in my moms family to have had c-sections- so I was prepared for the c-section, which helped. Things went ok- it wasn't as bad as I thought- although afterwards was pretty traumatic (I was a single mom- and in the hospital alone- and dropped the nurse call- my daughter was in the crib and too far for me to reach her and was crying and I couldn't move or call the nurse- ack it was just a bad experience as a first time mother at 20 years old) I didn't get up and walk right away after that much labor and then the c-section the recovery time for me was horrible.

#2 pregnancy came some 7 years after my first. I was in a better place in life, I was hooked on having a VBAC and was prepared for it. (Although part of me was scared to have a baby vaginally lol) I talked with my Doctor and she was very supportive of my VBAC (they originally just wanted to schedule me a c-section 2 weeks before my due date ACK). I went into labor in the middle of the night and by 6am we were on our way to the hospital. Same scenario was playing out at 1st baby. I wasn't progressing at all. I wasn't handling the pain as well, and seemed to be in much more pain and unlike my first labor, I just couldn't get control of myself emotionally to breath through them and relax. I ended up getting an epidural after 4 hours of labor. The epidural was HORRIBLE. The dr was soo busy talking about his vacation with the nurses- that he "missed" and went to far or something and I had these HORRIBLE PAINS shoot down my legs- I just screamed. The epidural never took, and I never got relief from it. They tried to break my water 15 times or so- I wouldn't dilate.. it hurt so bad! I just wanted it over with. (all of this was so traumatic for me- I am sitting here balling my eyes out now as I type this) The on call Dr came in and talked to me- and argued with me- because I still wanted to try for a VBAC and she just wanted me to have the c-section because she had triples she was going to have to deliver later that night (she wasn't my OB- just someone else from the office who was on-call) so that upset me. After I argued with her and she left- it was no more than 15 minutes later when I completely broke down and lost it and caved in. I said I can't do this anymore- just do the c-section. So they were giving me more medicine in the epidural line- but it wasn't numbing me at all. They still prepped me for the c-section and took me in. Once in the c-section room- I kept telling them I wasn't numb. The anathesiologist (sp) gave me as much of the medicine as he could and said 'that should work'. AS we were waiting for me to get numb (mind you i'm prepped on the table with my arms strapped down etc..) the OB started laughing and asked if I was the one who had shaved myself (i said no- because one of the nurses had- but still- she was laughing at me?) She then went on to laugh at the incision my normal OB had previously cut because it wasn't a straight line. Then she took out the big poker and poked my stomach and I said OUCH I can feel that and she didn't believe me. She argued with me again and said, "oh no thats just the pressure you are feeling" and I said NO- I CAN FEEL IT it's not pressure- i've had a c-section before I know the difference between I AM NOT NUMB vs. PRESSURE. She kept poking me and I could feel all of it. So finally they decided I would need a spinal. Oh that hurt soo bad but it numbed me up, but it also made me throw up... so the entire time my daughter was being born and weighed.. I had my head turned to the side puking in a dish the anathesiologist was holding up to my mouth and helping suction it out. I thought i was going to choke on it and die. so scary. The OB was so rough taking my daughter out- I had bruises ALL over my stomach for weeks- it was horrible looking and PAINFUL. Afterwards they forgot to give me stool softners and I forgot to ask- and went home and a week later still hadn't been able to poop. I was in the bathroom crying and screaming in pain- I was about to go to the ER and I managed to go #2. The recovery time wasn't as bad as the first daughter (because this time i got up and walked right away etc..) Also I have HUGE numb area between my belly button and pubic bone from this c-section- and it's STILL numb there.

#3 Was a planned c-section. I HATED knowing the date ahead of time. I LOVED the surprise of not knowing when a baby was coming. So after my sister and her husband opted to not find out the genders of their kids- we decided with #3 that we would leave that as a surprise. It was so fun- it completely gave me something to look forward to! I was so SCARED to have this c-section. After my ordeal with baby #2, I had seriously considered never having another child. I talked to my OB a lot about my feelings, and she was great and so supportive. I was tearful and very nervous the morning of my c-section- but my OB (the best in the world LOL) came in my room special to talk to me with the nurses and the anathesiologist about my fears and how they could help ease them and make it a great experience for me. How many of you have actually sat and cried with their OB? It was the best birth experience I could have asked for! Everything went so smoothly. While the spinal hurt- the 2 people doing it were FABULOUS and talked me through everything. And to hear that baby #3 was another girl- was such a joy- it made the whole c-section worth it! I breast-fed for all of 5 days, and developed such a bad yeast infection that I stopped feeding. I just couldn't handle it emotionally. =(

#4 Is due in November. This is going to be our last child. While I have some reservations about the c-section (i mean they aren't fun- no matter how great they go) I feel ok with it. We decided to keep the gender a surprise- however recently DF (fiance) voiced that he wants to find out the gender (that's a whole nother can of worms LOL).

So back to your original question.... lol I am very much into natural things- where a majority of the women have vaginal deliveries. It hurts when they make comments about "see you don't need c-sections, all women can have beautiful vaginal births at home" blah blah. Great- but not ALL women can. At first I felt like a failure- like I wasn't good enough because I had to have a c-section. Then I changed my thinking. I am so blessed that I live in a day and age where we have c-sections so that I CAN have babies. Had this been 100 years ago- I probably would have died trying to give birth to my first daughter. Babies are blessings no matter how they were brought into this world and it doesn't make us any less of a mother! In my opinion- vaginal deliveries are a piece of cake! C-section mammas not only are dealing with a newborn- but recovering from a MAJOR surgery as well. and only certain women can handle that much at a time- so yes, we are very special =) We are TOUGH mammas! Not only can we handle having a newborn baby- but we can handle having a major surgery at the same time! LOL

My family is really supportive of my choices. One of my sisters was able to have her children vaginally and I had the HONOR of being in the room for both of them- =) My other sister tried for a V-BAC but her body was like mine- just wouldn't go anywhere. So she has had 2 c-sections.

Now where I feel like a failure is breastfeeding. My sisters are awesome breastfeeders (2+ years of breastfeeding each child and one of my sisters works full time and was a champion pumper!) The most I ever went was 2 months with my oldest. I have very large breasts- and have a hard time with breast feeding, but I always go as long as I can. With my 3rd daughter I developed a HORRIBLE yeast infection on my nipples and after 5 days I just couldn't tough through the pain anymore and I gave up. Then my mother proceeded to scold me about it (mind you, I was 30 at the time) :/ So that made me feel REALLY horrible. I need to find a way to spin it positive- because I really do struggle with feeling like a failure for not breast feeding longer.

I know this was a bit of a rant/birth story, but I hope it helps someone put a positive spin on c-sections.
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Old 08-03-2012, 06:20 AM   #28
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

I am so disgusted with the natural childbirth idealogues right about now.

Some laypeople who don't know enough to interpret the literature set themselves up as "experts," start putting moral/value constructs on the fact that we don't like to take risks with our babies, and have managed to f*ck up the heads of half the young women I know.

Ladies, whether you pushed a baby out of your vagina or not has NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! to do with being a "complete woman" or any of that. It is a body process just like digestion, of r healing, and you wouldn't feel 'less than' if you needed medical assistance with that, would you?

Look into biological essentialism. This is an ugly thing that has seeped into our psyche under the guise of womenhood/sisterhood/empowerment, when it is nothing of the kind.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:10 AM   #29
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

It is really hard to deal with those feelings. Hopefully you can take comfort in your healthy children that are in your arms today because of what you have been through, but I understanad those feelings from time to time.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:20 AM   #30
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Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?

I can completely relate to your feelings of failure OP. I was induced with my first which ended up in a c-section. I felt I failed at it... and I still do. I'm starting to feel a little better about it, but with my impending birth any day now I keep coming back to it and second guessing whether I can do a VBAC or not.

I think the most important part of having a baby is that he/she & Mama are healthy. You carried your babies inside you for over 9 months, and they made it, you made it. We should be thankful for this. I know it's hard.. trust me I do...but don't worry about the doubts and feelings of failure.

Look at your two beautiful children and accept that YOU made them... and that YOU carried them inside your body and nurtured them. Maybe some of us just "can't" birth naturally. But at least in this day and age we don't lose our babies as a result of it, and we don't die in labour like they used to. We may not have our dream births, but we have the children we dreamed of.
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