Diaper Swappers

Nickel+3 · 05-11-2012, 02:34 PM

OP I understand how you feel about breastfeeding. I don't really have any advice because I think you put your foot in your mouth by already offering for her to live with you.

Dani_Phen · 05-11-2012, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaWillow

How Is it any different than renting a room and saying "no alcohol," or "no meat" if we were vegetarians?

Telling people "no alcohol" is one thing. Places have signs of the like up more for the fact that some people can't control themselves with it so no one is allowed to have it. It's a safety precaution. Telling people "no meat" b/c you are a vegetarian is ridiculous! Same with "Thou shalt only bf in my house". It's ridiculous!! You are pushing your beliefs on her. In doing that, all you will do is push her away as a friend. If you are a real "friend" you need to support her as a mother. As long as the baby is safe, well fed, and loved, why does it matter? I was so shocked to even think that as a mom, you'd ridicule another mom's choices. I had to go back to work after ds was born and so gave up on bfing b/c it was almost impossible to pump where I worked at the time. I'd be thinking about showing her compassion and love not judgement and pressure. Geeze!

Quote:

Originally Posted by keen1981

I'm pretty sure you are gonna be crossing a serious mommy boundary. I do not believe you should even consider this any more. It's way beyond being companionate to her needs. You are putting YOUR needs before Her's. Sure, we all know breast is best.. But so is minding ur own business. Sorry, I'm a lactation educator, so I get the passion. But it's YOUR passion.

Either be straight forward, 'you are only welcome if you nurse. If I see formula in my house, your butt is in a shelter' or completely move on. I don't think you are doing this out of a kind heart honestly. You want control over how she feeds HER baby. And that's wrong.

I have pregnancy hormones. I apologize. Just literally shocked. SHOCKED.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyQ215

I just wanted to share a few things to think through. I'm impressed by your generosity in opening your home! Please be careful with expectations, though.

I am very pro-breastfeeding, and I get wanting to help as much as possible. However, I don't think you can force someone to breastfeed. It sounds like she has other issues going on, and the last thing I would want to do would be to accidentally create a situation where she resents her baby. As someone else said, you never know what she's been through/going through.

If you think that having her live with you offers her the BEST chance of breastfeeding, then you can do you best to encourage her in a loving and supportive way as she's in your home but forcing it is over the line IMO. Also, based on what you've shared, it sounds like she might really benefit from having some positive parenting influences around her, regardless of whether she breastfeeds or not. I'd hate to withhold the community and support based on her choice to FF or BF. Perhaps overall parenting role modeling will affect the child for the next 18+ years in a positive emotional way. I think the dangers of emotional scarring due to other issues are greater than the "dangers" of FF.

My other concern is that if you disagree on this issue, you will likely disagree on others and it might get really uncomfortable (for example, crying it out, etc.).

If you decide to go forward, please take some time to think through your approach to letting her parent HER child. At some point, you might need to trust that she is learning from being in your loving home and watching your example even if she makes different choices (as long as baby is not in danger).

Please, please be careful about having her in your home with tons of conditions, but please also be careful about shutting her out based on one issue. You might be able to do great long-term good overall in the child's life, regardless of whether the baby thrives on formula or breastmilk. I hope you are able to find some balance and make a wise decision that works for your family and for hers. Best of luck!

P.S. I am not trying to sound negative, just trying to provide food for thought. Having someone live with you can be really challenging.

This too!

heidisue · 05-11-2012, 02:50 PM

Ikes, really?? Umm, don't invite her - this will get bad. I am super pro BF too, but I would never ever consider requiring that of my renters?? That is strange. Same with the alcohol and meat example. Being someone's landlord does not make you their jailer.

Since you compared it with religion then I would ask you this - if you are Christian and you wanted to rent to somebody of Jewish faith would you require them to convert first? You have the choice to not rent or rent, but you can't ask them to bend to your will.

And give the girl some support! She hasn't even had the baby yet and you are creating this whole scenario on the feeling that she might not be able to continue. That won't help matters.

saongiri · 05-11-2012, 02:53 PM

I personally think if you lay it out thee well prior to making the arrangements the she has fair warning. That being said I Think if you are taking this on you have to realize you cannot dictate her decisions- you are not her parent or boss. I think it is kind what your intentions are but you need to set up boundaries for both you and her. I have had family members live or sty with me for extended periods of time and it gets tricky sometime. Best wishes to you.

Leiiki · 05-11-2012, 03:32 PM

Look at it the other way: would you feel like a terrible person if you said "No breast feeding in my house! Formula only!" as a condition of renting?

laila · 05-12-2012, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leiiki

Look at it the other way: would you feel like a terrible person if you said "No breast feeding in my house! Formula only!" as a condition of renting?

Exactly what I was thinking!

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

dudleypippen · 05-13-2012, 06:14 AM

Please remember that there are TONS of ways to support a new mom without having her live with you- cook a meal, stock her freezer with meals, offer to help with household chores, accompany her to pediatrician appointments, go grocery shooing or watch the baby for an hour so she can go, watch the baby for a bit in the morning so she can sleep in, etc. While it would be easier to do this under the same roof, it's certainly not required. Maybe this would better suit you and reduce your stress level instead of having her in the same house and worrying about her method of feeding. Since its more emotional support she seems to be lacking I would reflect on what you can do to fill this need and leave the parenting to her. It sounds to me like living in the same house is a recipe for disaster, especially if you are already anticipating problems. Be honest and tell her that, but don't abandon her during this major change in her life. I think your heart is in the right place, it's just a bit muddled in the execution of your intentions.

Lu&Ce'sMommy · 05-13-2012, 07:49 AM

I really think that that is ridiculous for you to put that stipulation in there. For some Moms breastfeeding doesn't come easy and I'm not talking about mentally either. I couldn't BF DS no matter what I tired and I struggled almost daily to BF DD until 7mo. when my supply tanked. Some women can just whip it out and there you go, some women no matter what it's difficult.

Have you asked her if she's having trouble with it? Does she need help and is afraid to ask?

I don't get this, obviously you think she is in need of some help but not enough if she isn't going to breast feed? That's like telling someone who has no food their not hungry enough so you won't feed them until you feel they are.

Is she just staying with you so she can have some help with the new baby?

If someone told me that (especially after you offered), I'd be wanting to find friends that weren't so judgmental (sorry if that sounds harsh but really).

Courtneymomof2 · 05-13-2012, 12:14 PM

I think if you are going to compare bf to a religion, then the proper response would be to share your belief and why you believe what you do, and choose to love her what ever she chooses. Encourage her and share your own experiences with bfing. I know that as a first time mom it can be draining and time consuming and bottles may seem easier, but in the long run, when mom and baby get the hang of it and baby is not so dependent on it it is so easy and natural, even more so than cleaning bottles and spending money on formula. That said you need to realize that if she is going back to work, pumping milk might not be a realistic option for her. I know many women do it, but I don'tthink anyone should be made to feel guilty for not doing it. Its not your place to judge her, just as its not our place to judge you.

mibarra · 05-13-2012, 12:25 PM

Didn't read all the responses, but this seems like a really intolerant attitude. I know you feel strongly about BFing, but revoking an offer to help this woman out because she is not in line with your beliefs seems extreme. I would feel the same as if it was a Christian saying, I know we said we'd help you out, but since you believe differently than us you simply can't live under our roof.

Maybe she'll be more likely to BF living in a supportive environment with you. Maybe BFing makes her miserable and resent her baby, would you want her to do it then? IMO, you either want to help her out, or you don't, and it kinda sounds like you don't. But either way, you need to make a decision you can live with and tell her. Since this is not necessarily a life or death issue (like illegal drug use), I don't see putting conditions on how she raises her child so she can get your support as very helpful. But I it's your home and life, and you have to make the right decision for you.

05-11-2012, 02:34 PM	#41
Nickel+3 Registered Users Formerly: nickel+2 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Whidbey Island, WA Posts: 4,026 Ratings: 65 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	OP I understand how you feel about breastfeeding. I don't really have any advice because I think you put your foot in your mouth by already offering for her to live with you. __________________ Nickel - mama to boys D 09 and F 10 and my girl H 12 #4 due in October!

05-11-2012, 02:50 PM	#43
heidisue Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Arizona Posts: 5,150 Ratings: 293 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Would this make me a horrible person? Ikes, really?? Umm, don't invite her - this will get bad. I am super pro BF too, but I would never ever consider requiring that of my renters?? That is strange. Same with the alcohol and meat example. Being someone's landlord does not make you their jailer. Since you compared it with religion then I would ask you this - if you are Christian and you wanted to rent to somebody of Jewish faith would you require them to convert first? You have the choice to not rent or rent, but you can't ask them to bend to your will. And give the girl some support! She hasn't even had the baby yet and you are creating this whole scenario on the feeling that she might not be able to continue. That won't help matters. __________________ Little People Wealth - Spend Small to Live Large!

05-11-2012, 02:53 PM	#44
saongiri Registered Users Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 4,214 Ratings: 217 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Would this make me a horrible person? I personally think if you lay it out thee well prior to making the arrangements the she has fair warning. That being said I Think if you are taking this on you have to realize you cannot dictate her decisions- you are not her parent or boss. I think it is kind what your intentions are but you need to set up boundaries for both you and her. I have had family members live or sty with me for extended periods of time and it gets tricky sometime. Best wishes to you. __________________ Sarah - mama to Ray Olivia and Jack

05-11-2012, 03:32 PM	#45
Leiiki Registered Users Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: WI Posts: 4,478 Ratings: 40 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Look at it the other way: would you feel like a terrible person if you said "No breast feeding in my house! Formula only!" as a condition of renting? __________________ Wife to my best friend , SAHM to DD1 (4/15/10) and DD2 (5/16/13) ISO YYMN Trades, Squirrels, Sushi, JJB Toki Perky Accesories

05-13-2012, 06:14 AM	#47
dudleypippen Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Georgia Posts: 367 Ratings: 26 Feedback: 100%	Re: Would this make me a horrible person? Please remember that there are TONS of ways to support a new mom without having her live with you- cook a meal, stock her freezer with meals, offer to help with household chores, accompany her to pediatrician appointments, go grocery shooing or watch the baby for an hour so she can go, watch the baby for a bit in the morning so she can sleep in, etc. While it would be easier to do this under the same roof, it's certainly not required. Maybe this would better suit you and reduce your stress level instead of having her in the same house and worrying about her method of feeding. Since its more emotional support she seems to be lacking I would reflect on what you can do to fill this need and leave the parenting to her. It sounds to me like living in the same house is a recipe for disaster, especially if you are already anticipating problems. Be honest and tell her that, but don't abandon her during this major change in her life. I think your heart is in the right place, it's just a bit muddled in the execution of your intentions.